Train

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wrathofpengy
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Train

Postby wrathofpengy » Mon Dec 12, 2005 2:26 pm

Let me know what you think. What I originally wrote this poem, I assumed it really sucked, but after some critiquing, I realized its not as bad as I thought and just needs a little work. Tear into it!

Trains

I have no memories of you.
Faded photos line empty walls
telling stories of a time
I long to remember.

I've never seen your face,
but I know your voice by heart.
I feel you in my sleep,
a part of me
I will never get to love.

In a dream I am at the station
waiting for the train
and feeling your absence.
Again, I miss you and again
I am confused.

I board and hear your call
(a little too late again)
and I reach out to grasp
a slipping hand.

I feel guilty
because I left you behind.
"Well, here we are, Mr. Pilgrim, trapped in the amber of this moment." - Slaughter House Five, Kurt Vonnegut

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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Mon Dec 12, 2005 3:51 pm

Very nice, wop. Really not much to pick apart here. Maybe the 3rd stanza doesn't grab quite as well...and I don't even know why. maybe 'confused' isn't the word that fits best. "I am at the station waiting for you. Again, I miss you and again I am bereft. I board the train and hear...."
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Mlou
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Location: Vermont

Postby Mlou » Mon Dec 12, 2005 3:52 pm

PS...You call it Train at top but Trains in poem title?? I like Train better.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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wrathofpengy
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Posts: 37
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Postby wrathofpengy » Mon Dec 12, 2005 4:37 pm

Thanks for the critiques Mlou. ^_^
"Well, here we are, Mr. Pilgrim, trapped in the amber of this moment." - Slaughter House Five, Kurt Vonnegut



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