TUESDAY POETRY CHALLENGE - 6-17-08

Want to write a poem but can't think of a new idea? Here's the place for inspiration.

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Mlou
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TUESDAY POETRY CHALLENGE - 6-17-08

Postby Mlou » Tue Jun 17, 2008 1:23 pm

1. Have you taken a trip lately? Across town or across the country. Wax poetic about it, praise or peeve.

2. What's your favorite color? Has it always been, or are you changeable about the color spectrum. Give us an insight into your preference and why it is so.

3. If you came across a bit of wildlife UNEXPECTEDLY (as I did recently, finding a small bat in my downstairs!), what would your reaction be? A verse about a wildlife experience please, real or imagined.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


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LizGrayson
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Postby LizGrayson » Wed Jun 18, 2008 1:01 pm

I had a great reaction with a sand crab at the beach last week...just need to make it into a poem now...
Don't buy drugs. Become a pop star and they give you them for free! ~ Billy Mack (aka the lovely Bill Nighy), Love Actually
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Thu Jun 19, 2008 6:36 pm

Oookay! We'll wait. :)
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby Saphyre » Fri Jun 20, 2008 1:29 pm

Slipping unto Memorias

Black night, white car.
Twisted metal, odd-shaped wall.
The perfect darkness, wrapping delicate fingers over my vision.
To embrace it I smell the cologne again.
Papá! the fragrance of childhood reclaims me.
Dark suited figure, unbreakable hugs,
gentle hands, uncontrolled love.
Ripped away, cast from this world.
Darkness, rain, stone, alone.
Left longing to embrace mi Papá.
I slip away, toward mi Papá.

--------

Out of curiosity- how much of the following did you guys catch? How much did I get across?

1) The girl loves black because it reminds her of her father's suits.
2) Her father died when she was young.
3) She’s dying and embraces death so she can see her father.

I ask because I reworked this poem five or six times but I’m still not happy with it. I just wondered how much of my message I managed to convey. Thanks!
Last edited by Saphyre on Mon Jun 23, 2008 4:42 pm, edited 2 times in total.
~Saphyre
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus…
For by grace you have been saved through faith… it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.
Please always feel free to critique anything I write as I am by no means perfect!
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mae
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Postby mae » Fri Jun 20, 2008 3:47 pm

#3 - This is the story of the house I just moved out of!

Greetings to Mickey and Minnie!

My cat loves mice,
though I do not.
But mice really like my house.
A lot.

The cat is worthless
for solving this woe.
She just plays with them
and then lets them go!

We've used poisons and traps
of various kinds.
Nothing's worked, no nothing at all.
We're starting to lose our minds.

We have cute little baby mice,
with big round ears.
And mice with long, long tails.
The kind that feed our fears!

Some are brown and some are gray.
Some are black and some two-toned!
I feel their eyes staring at me.
I'm sure they've all been cloned!

I can think of nothing else to do,
but pack up and move away
and turn my house to a mouse resort
where rodents stay and play.


mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.

Give me a crit! I can take it!

CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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mae
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Postby mae » Fri Jun 20, 2008 3:49 pm

Actually, Saphyre, I got something much more sinister out of it.

Dark figure, unbreakable hold,
gentle hands, uncontrolled love.
Ripped away, cast from that form.
Darkness, rain, stone, alone.


This part made me think of incest. Sorry.

mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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Postby Saphyre » Sat Jun 21, 2008 2:02 am

I don't know what incest is, but I see where you're coming from. Dark figure is her father in a suit, unbreakable hold is the hugs they would share when he came home from work and she greeted him at the door. Gentle hands, uncontrolled love is more of the same- descriptions of her father. Ripped away, cast from that form is referring to his untimely death. The line with darkness is the funeral; the last line is her giving up on life. Originally it was several stanzas and I had a lot more detail, but I didn't like it. What should I do?

On a happier note, I loved your poem. It was so expressive in a simple way. You could almost make it into a children's book if it was a little bit longer or had more plot. Still- I love it. :-D :clap:
~Saphyre

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus…

For by grace you have been saved through faith… it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.

Please always feel free to critique anything I write as I am by no means perfect!
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Sat Jun 21, 2008 9:49 am

Look it up, Saphyre. Learning a new word every day is an easy way to increase your knowledge...even on a disgusting subject like that one. And mae had a point. The poem did give suggestions of that in several ways.
Maybe if you titled your poem, which you should usually do...one poet says that a poem isn't finished without a title...the title would point the reader on the right track toward your theme of loss, funerals, etc.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Saphyre
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Postby Saphyre » Mon Jun 23, 2008 4:38 pm

okeydokey- i now know what incest is. definately not what's going on here. but thank you for your insight... i guess. jk. i tried titling it, and adding back in a bit of what i took out.
~Saphyre

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus…

For by grace you have been saved through faith… it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.

Please always feel free to critique anything I write as I am by no means perfect!
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LizGrayson
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Postby LizGrayson » Tue Jun 24, 2008 10:44 am

Such a sad poem! I didn't see the incest angle, although I see why it could read that way. I think there's nothing better than poetry that reads one way to the author and another to the reader. I wrote a poem like that one time based on Paradise Lost and someone told me they thought it was about rape. Gave me a different perspective, even though I didn't mean for it to sound like that.

Titles are definitly important - in my opinion, they're the hardest part to write sometimes. Please post your rewrite so we can see how it's progressing
Don't buy drugs. Become a pop star and they give you them for free! ~ Billy Mack (aka the lovely Bill Nighy), Love Actually
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Postby Saphyre » Tue Jun 24, 2008 3:24 pm

i have posted the re-write. i replaced the origanal poem with the new one so i wouldn't clog the topic. what's your opinion, Liz?
~Saphyre

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus…

For by grace you have been saved through faith… it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.

Please always feel free to critique anything I write as I am by no means perfect!
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Postby PaulG » Mon Jun 30, 2008 8:32 pm

Mlou,
This had nothing to do with a recent trip, so I take a little license to go back about ten years. There is a little town in California by the name of Cotati, where each summer they have an accordion festival. I happened to be in the area and with nothing else to do before heading back into San Francisco for my flight home I stopped and spent a few hours at the festival. It was like stepping into a Norman Rockwell painting. I hope I did them justice.

Cotati Accordion Festival- 1997

A perfect sky, vivid cerulean blue,
Wine sold in a tent, a beer wagon too!

Ninety-nine accordions play “Lady of Spain”,
The jewelry man sells me an amber-like chain.

Bales of hay for all those who haven’t a chair,
Circle the folks gathered here in the square.

Memories of a founder with the name Jim,
They unveil their statue in honor of him.

Little kids and old folks all dancing the polka,
I find absolutely nothing can rhyme with polka.

Little town of Cotati, off route one oh one,
I’d go back in an instant for your old time fun.

The cost of your day is the size of your smile,
The payoff, forgetting the world for a while.
...and every now & then I spend my time at rhyme & verse & curse those faults in me...- "Along Comes Mary"- The Association

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Postby Saphyre » Mon Jun 30, 2008 8:45 pm

i really liked this. personally, i'd take out the whole polka stanza and let the memories of jim tie into your own memories. also, watch your rythm. you sorta had a candance, but then one line wouldn't fit and throw off the whole thing. this is a music festival, so a steady, reliable candance might help enhance our image. other than that, i truely enjoyed.
~Saphyre

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus…

For by grace you have been saved through faith… it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.

Please always feel free to critique anything I write as I am by no means perfect!
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Postby mae » Mon Jun 30, 2008 11:06 pm

For me, I liked the stanza about the polka. I felt it enhanced the whimsy of the piece. I also liked the Lady of Spain stanza. I did feel it lacked complexity and I would have enjoyed it more if it had been more complex. (Now what does she mean by that? Honestly, I don't have a clue how to explain that. ) It just seemed overly simple to me. Even simple fun has a certain intricacy to it. I'm sure there was a lot going on at this summertime festival, a cacophony of hawkers, children crying, friends calling to each other, music playing loudly; more smells than your nose could identify; and colors that put sparkle in your eye. And that doesn't even mention the variety of foods! Yet we heard very little about that. That's what I mean by complexity.

mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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Postby mae » Mon Jun 30, 2008 11:11 pm

Dark suited figure, unbreakable hugs,
gentle hands, uncontrolled love.


I still get the same feeling, Saphyre, and I think it's these two lines that are doing it. They remained unchanged from before (or virtually unchanged.) It's the 'gentle hands, uncontrolled love' part that really does it for me. Gentleness is expressed by more than just hands, but hands are what are used for "touching". And if there is one thing a parent should be, it's controlled, so your uncontrolled love doesn't sound like a happy love to me. Unconditional love, 'die for me' love, love me enough to correct me when I'm wrong, but not uncontrolled love.

mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Tue Jul 01, 2008 8:18 am

Really nice one, Paul. The rollicking, old-time feeling comes through.
As to the polka, there are many ways to get around that. For ex., put the word in the beginning or the middle of the line.
I found nothing wrong with your cadence. It read well and in keeping with its subject matter.
And I agree with mae, you could add layers of atmosphere to the piece by including the smells, tastes, etc. so intrinsic to this type of public celebration.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby PaulG » Tue Jul 01, 2008 9:30 am

Thanks for the comments.

Oddly enough I do not recall any smells. Kind of weird. But, I agree with your point. A little more meat on the bones wouldn't hurt. "Lady of Spain" is not from my imagination, they actually get ALL the accordion players to perform the number all at once. It is one of the cornerstones of the festival. It may be a federal regulation.

Saphyre- I see your point regarding cadence & the fact that I was at a music festival, good point.
I did not know Jim as he was a "founding father" of the festival and they were unveiling a statue that day to him.
They set up his left hand on the statue to the opening notes of "Lady of Spain".

As far as the "polka" stanza goes, I knew I had painted myself into the corner and thought of deleting but figured, admit the problem & get out with the mea culpa. :wink:

Strangely, I woke up this morning and thought I could have worked in Oscar Homolka, the old character actor, putting him in with the polka line. Why he came to mind, I'll never know. Must have been the spicy sauce on the penne.
...and every now & then I spend my time at rhyme & verse & curse those faults in me...- "Along Comes Mary"- The Association

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."- Steven Wright
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Tue Jul 01, 2008 6:05 pm

Oscar Homolka! You maka da joka? :wink: I remember him though.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Saphyre
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Postby Saphyre » Wed Jul 02, 2008 4:20 pm

Hey- joka rhymes with polka!
~Saphyre

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus…

For by grace you have been saved through faith… it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.

Please always feel free to critique anything I write as I am by no means perfect!

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