POETRY CHALLENGE - 10-2-07

Want to write a poem but can't think of a new idea? Here's the place for inspiration.

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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Thu Oct 04, 2007 4:28 pm

I just wrote a long crit, mae, and lost the whole thing. Grrrrrrrr and double grrrrrr!
Now I don't remember it all.
I liked your rain poem. Perhaps "at the end of the rain" might not be needed, as that's always when the rainbow comes. It might be possible to tighten a litte...
I choose to wait for the rainbow and the sunset's gold, as you used storm too sentences in a row.
Your headline poem was a goodie but I'll add just one thing. When you rhyme, you very often tend to transpose words in order to assist the rhyme...offer to my life endow...it sounds contrived and awkward to the modern ear, although I know that it was always done "way back when".

Good job, guys! I'm waiting for fiona's poems. :D
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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mae
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Postby mae » Thu Oct 04, 2007 5:11 pm

Things to think about, mlou. "at the end of the rain" is going to stay because of the following line's 'after the storm'. A repetition of form, if you will. I don't think it's so awfully bad that it just must be removed.

I will change the following storm - got a line in mind already.

And the 'my life endow' - oh, I bristled at that suggestion. But you're right, and if it's too egregious, I'll scold another poet for doing it. I'm always the first to say, of course, that mine are different!! The problem for me is that I often think that way! But, after getting all that out of the way, you're right. If I can't rhyme it with ordinary sentence structure, then I need to do what I tell everyone else to do (but it's different!) and change the words.

And yes, I'm also waiting to read fiona's poetry.

mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.

Give me a crit! I can take it!

CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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funkywriter3
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Postby funkywriter3 » Thu Oct 04, 2007 8:29 pm

Close-Minded by Choice

An eclipse in my mind
Denies Reality
Darkening
Vanquishing
An eclipse of my mind
Steals light
Erasing
Harming
But this eclipse in my mind
Is naturally temporary
For I control my universe
Choosing to rid
My mind of an eclipse
" The purpose of a writer is to keep civilization from destroying itself."- Albert Camus

"Writers will happen in the best of families."
-Rita Mae Brown

" Do not ask a poet to explain himself, he cannot." - Plato
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mae
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Postby mae » Thu Oct 04, 2007 11:11 pm

fw3, this was very interesting and poetic until you got to the comparison. You lost the poetry somewhere. It's like you were twirling and dancing in your lovely prom dress in the first eight lines, then stepped out of your dress and pulled on jeans for the last five lines. Can you say what you wanted to say as if you still had on your prom dress?

mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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fiona
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Postby fiona » Thu Oct 04, 2007 11:51 pm

It's like you were twirling and dancing in your lovely prom dress in the first eight lines, then stepped out of your dress and pulled on jeans for the last five lines.
I like the effect. I do feel identified with it. I'm like that! Well, perhaps life forces me to be like that. As if an inner voice were telling me: Whaaaat eclipse! Quick! Go now, change the baby, feed the cat, submit your tax return and if you happen to lack spare hands, stick a broom in your ass and wipe the floor! Eclipse...Hmmm :evil: (Sometimes the inner voice is not so).
Anyway, funky put me to thinking.

As for my poems, I haven't felt poetic in a long time. You know, nowadays there are not many poets to interact with, and, even though I'm glad to know you because you are the first poets I know, I'm still shy to show them. :oops:

And now I have to put myself to bed. Good night.

Oh, mae, I've no idea of what you're talking about in your "86-year-old spurns developer's $1 million offer". Universe unknown. :scratch:
Know me by what I did today.
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mae
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Postby mae » Fri Oct 05, 2007 3:37 am

fiona, the title is part of the poem. Use your imagination. Why would a developer (hint, hint) be offering an 86 year old person $1 million?

mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Fri Oct 05, 2007 7:57 am

fiona...read the challenges! mae was replying to the challenge which said to use a current newspaper headline and build a poem on its contents. She did a great job of showing the elderly lady's resistance to the pressure from developers to sell her property to them. This happens far too often.

mae...you take crit very well. :-D Gosh, it's hard to do. We all feel so protective of our "children" and like what we've done exactly as it is. But I, too, need to admit that sometimes others see it more clearly than I do, being too close to the work.

funky...nice to see you. It's been a while. How's school going? It may be that you repeat eclipse a bit too often. In some places perhaps you could refer to it in another way? "But this will pass..." "choosing to free my mind of this darkness", or whatever.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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funkywriter3
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Postby funkywriter3 » Sat Oct 06, 2007 1:52 am

school's going well. I am in AP English and just finished The Hollow Men by Eliot. It's quite inspirational.
" The purpose of a writer is to keep civilization from destroying itself."- Albert Camus



"Writers will happen in the best of families."

-Rita Mae Brown



" Do not ask a poet to explain himself, he cannot." - Plato

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