POETRY CHALLENGE - 10-2-07

Want to write a poem but can't think of a new idea? Here's the place for inspiration.

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Mlou
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POETRY CHALLENGE - 10-2-07

Postby Mlou » Tue Oct 02, 2007 3:05 pm

Time for you poets to enter the fray again. Let's have some great insights in verse this week.

1. Write a poem about choices...or A choice. Have you made a difficult one or a wonderful one? Or are you just contemplating life's choices?

2. Word list from which to build a poem, any style or length...
cloud, thinking, picture, underneath, bone, wander, undone, post, late...
and your choice of a color (blue, red, gold, etc.)

3. Take one headline or story from the newspaper and write a poem on the subject.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby mae » Tue Oct 02, 2007 5:36 pm

Now those are very interesting challenges, mlou. I look forward to working on this week's! mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.

Give me a crit! I can take it!

CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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Postby mae » Wed Oct 03, 2007 2:22 am

This is an old poem that I wrote several years ago. I thought it fit the choices challenge. I'm still working on a new one. mae


Shh

Whisper soft and softly,
The better to be heard.
Lean in a little closer.
Don’t miss a single word.

Pay close attention now
To sage advice and true.
I’ll not shout nor speak aloud
For this is just for you .

Life begins unknown to us,
The living’s what we know.
We spend our days spending our days
With nothing much to show.

Our minds pine away wistful hours
Mourning each breath we breathe;
Or, wishing for some other life,
We set our anger to seethe.

Wasting valued energy
On thoughts both dark and drear
We make our choices sadly
Spoiling precious years.

Our dreams remain but dreams
As the future turns to now;
Today's become our yesterday
With neither a why nor how.

Listen closely, friend,
And heed my whispered word
Wishes and dreams are swirling fog.
Satisfaction’s much preferred.

Bide with me and listen now
To my whispers, slow and weak.
Wisdom gained through living life
Insists that I must speak.

Though your dream has only started,
All youth soon turns to age.
Like a puff of smoke dreams dissipate
Leaving only death on stage.

Don’t squander your days wand’ring about
Through fog and misty vapors.
Make your choice with no regrets,
Contented with your labors.
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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Postby fiona » Wed Oct 03, 2007 10:13 am

Whom were you giving advice to, mae?
And, it seems a little selfish to me. Too individualist, perhaps?
Are you in bed, talking to a child?

We spend our days spending our days

I'd say spending them

And, personally, I don't mourn each breath I breathe.


Our dreams remain but dreams
I think some dreams must be dreams forever to avoid that they turn into nighmares. :roll:

Wishes and dreams are swirling fog.
Satisfaction’s much preferred.
I agree, I agree! Some of them, yes. :cry:

Bide with me
I don't know this expression :dunno:

Like a puff of smoke dreams dissipate
Leaving only death on stage.
this one scares me and makes me very sad, mae. :(

Make your choice with no regrets,
Contented with your labors.
Easier said than done. :x
Know me by what I did today.
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Postby mae » Wed Oct 03, 2007 10:20 am

Whom were you giving advice to, mae?



Whoever needs it, fiona.

And, personally, I don't mourn each breath I breathe.



Then the poem isn't for you.

Bide with me
I don't know this expression


Bide means stay.


Sorry you didn't like it, fiona. It happens that way sometimes.

mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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Postby mslover » Wed Oct 03, 2007 11:07 am

mae - how true this poem is... far too much time is spent with regret over, worrying...

"Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories - we've already missed the spring"

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
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Postby mslover » Wed Oct 03, 2007 2:25 pm

if only...

thinking of you,
as clouds dance above,
painting pictures,
white on blue,

if you were here
we would lose ourselves in imagination,
sharing thoughts, and love,
as world faded away,

wish I could touch you
my fingers tracing the curve of your lips,
breath catching, tender looks shared
between your eyes and mine,

underneath this brilliant sky
we would blend together, perfect fit,
this puzzle of you and me only yet
undone by distance between

it grows late
shadows wander closer,
I put away my desires, my want of you,
for a someday which may never come.

"Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories - we've already missed the spring"

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
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Postby mslover » Wed Oct 03, 2007 2:45 pm

okay - so i didn't use two of the words from the word list but criminey, mlou, "bone"? lol

"Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories - we've already missed the spring"

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
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Postby Mlou » Wed Oct 03, 2007 2:56 pm

mae..In this case, I like the repetition of: spend our days spending our days. Not so much so, in the repetition of listen to whispers.
And maybe fiona isn't as old as we, who know the feeling of mourning each breath.
The last lines of verse 4 seem a bit awkward to me.
And "bide" is so much more poetic than stay. Somehow, it conveys a deeper meaning, don't you think?

Well, now, ms...you've gone and done it. Now I have to come up with a poem that uses bone in it! :D So, although I read mae's, I won't read yours 'til I do a list poem. Luckily, I read your last comment first.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby Mlou » Wed Oct 03, 2007 3:14 pm

Okay...here's my attempt to use them in order.

RETROSPECT
Memories
cloud my thinking today,
projecting pictures
from underneath the day-to-day
minutiae, scenes that have
lain bone-deep,
long-hidden.
I wander among them...
the things undone, the old
mistakes and triumphs...

yet I am not chained
to the post of regret,
of moments left too late,
holding instead to the white light
of joy for what is now.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby Mlou » Wed Oct 03, 2007 3:28 pm

Very nice, ms! Loving and sentimental. And yes, you could have managed to get bone in there...fit together, even to the bone/bone-deep...or something like that...or tracing your lips, the delicate bone of your arm/chin/wrist, whatever. As the signposts that mark the world fade away. Good job anyway. I love word lists. :D
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby mslover » Wed Oct 03, 2007 4:07 pm

lol - yes, that would work nicely... hmmm... maybe i can revise and add (except that it couldn't be delicate as a man's arm/wrist/chin wouldn't be delicate...). like the signpost idea too...

nice job with yours mlou - in order no less? very impressive!

"Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories - we've already missed the spring"

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
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Postby mae » Wed Oct 03, 2007 6:20 pm

Ladies, those were nice. msl, you could have a strong arm/wrist/chin, hm?

mlou, those lines in stanza 4 are awkward. I really need to go back and revisit this poem. It's been published once or twice, but I see changes that I think would make it better - like stanza 4.

And yes, I do like 'bide' better than stay.

I'll work on the others tonight.

(As far as mourning every breath you breathe, you don't have to be old to do that. How many teen-agers have felt that way, just for an example. I'm glad fiona doesn't, though.) mae

mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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Postby fiona » Wed Oct 03, 2007 6:24 pm

Sorry you didn't like it, fiona. It happens that way sometimes.
I never said I didn't like it. Perhaps I don't share all the htings you say there and still like it.
soory, I'll come back later. :shock:
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Postby fiona » Wed Oct 03, 2007 6:52 pm

OK, I'm back. I was saying... Well, read up.
Anyway, I don't like the feeling of mourning in general. I KNOW it happens and sometimes it is even necessary to get rid of negative energy, but I reject the idea of thinking every nanosecond of my life goes away. I KNOW it's true, but it hurts and there are too many things and thoughts that hurt as to add another one. I do have thoughts like that. I don't write much about anything but sometimes I even reject the ideas reflected in the things I write. This was what I was trying to convey. :)

if only...

I see: you love love poetry, mslover, don't you?
It's a nice piece. Still I don't understand how the title grammatically links the rest of it. As a way of example: If only... (no stop mark from here on) if you were... we would...wish I could...we would... it grows late... I put away my desires...come

I don't really understand WHAT are your desires. It sounds good but dubious. If you really long for her/him and want to send them your poem, I suggest that you check punctuation. :o

And, mlou, right now I'm hearing suspicious noise of plastic bags... I'm afraid my beautiful fluffy girls are stealing food from the table.
I'll come back later. :shock:
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Postby fiona » Wed Oct 03, 2007 7:48 pm

mlou, I don't know if it's just me... This piece is emotionless, as if your retrospect were only at a thinking level. You give me no feeling. However I'm not sure I understand the whole thing. I'm not fond of thinking in retrospect. Perhaps a few times.

of moments left too late,
what are you talking about?
:?:
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Postby mae » Wed Oct 03, 2007 8:11 pm

Sorry, Fiona. Since all your comments were critical, it seemed you didn't like it. Even if that were the case, it's okay. We won't like everything someone writes - unless their writing is one-dimensional, anyway.

Perhaps you don't mourn your life, but plenty of people do. This poem is for them.

mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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Postby mae » Wed Oct 03, 2007 8:16 pm

Well, mlou, your retrospect piece doesn't seem emotionless to me; more like you're shaking off the emotion and not allowing yourself to look back and feel old emotions. It was as if at the end of the first stanza, you gave a physical shrug of the shoulders and said "Enough of this." and walked away. I would have liked to see you examine those old memories and tell us a little about the you that lived them.

(That may be asking a lot from a word list poem! But revision is a wonderful thing.)

mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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Postby mae » Wed Oct 03, 2007 8:33 pm

Challenge #1, new poem


Outlook


I do not feel sad today,
nor even pensive,
though the clouds are almost black
and seem to have been
ripped open.
Thunder rattles
my windows
and wind threatens
to topple the corn rows outside.

Rain pouring from the gutters
brings only anticipation.
I am trapped inside,
watching the drama
on the other side of the glass,
yet I choose not to feel
trapped.
I choose not to let
the dark clouds
invade my heart,
but to look ahead instead.

I choose to wait for the rainbow
at the end of the rain.
I seek the gold of the sunset
after the storm.
And if it's too dark at the tempest's end
to see either rainbow or sunset,
then I choose to look again,
tomorrow.


mae
Last edited by mae on Thu Oct 04, 2007 5:13 pm, edited 2 times in total.
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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Postby mae » Wed Oct 03, 2007 8:45 pm

Challenge #2

Second Guesses


Emotion clouds my thinking,
painting a picture of anger
and insecurity.
Underneath its heavy blanket,
I toss and turn restlessly,
and rise, still bone-tired.
Wandering through the day,
I cast my mind over
this memory and that
until I am undone.

At last, I know the danger
of such an exercise,
as I feel the growing
dissatisfaction in my heart
and watch my contentment
destroyed.
I return once again to my peace,
planted like a fence post,
flowering like a late-blooming
soft pink rose.


mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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Postby mae » Wed Oct 03, 2007 9:14 pm

Challenge #3. This one was tremendous fun.

86-year-old spurns developer's $1 million offer

Gathered 'round the table that day
the men in suits sought to convey
their sincerest wishes for her well-being.

They imagined her frail heart quaking
unaware of outrage awaking,
as she listened to their scheming.

Her cane tapped on the tiled floor
until finally she could take no more
and she rose as straight as age allowed.

"I shared that bedroom with my dear one
It became for us a bastion
and we remained uncowed.

"No wars could move us,
nor in-laws reprove us
for we remained indurate.

"I've no wish to cause you strife.
but money's not all there is to life.
And though I don't want to seem obdurate,

I say no thank you."
Last edited by mae on Thu Oct 04, 2007 5:20 pm, edited 2 times in total.
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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Postby Mlou » Thu Oct 04, 2007 7:56 am

fiona, another poet once said, "Poetry is emotion remembered in tranquility." I like that.
"moments left too late"...things that will never happen now because they were left undone too long/too late and the opportunity is past and gone.

mae, you nailed it. It's remembering without regret and savoring what IS.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby Mlou » Thu Oct 04, 2007 8:05 am

mae, you're really cooking! I like all your efforts. Good use of the word list and loved your choice of headlines. Gotta go but will try to be back later for a crit.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby mae » Thu Oct 04, 2007 2:55 pm

mlou, I just noticed that we both used the phrase 'cloud[s] my thinking' in our poems. That's the sign of a cliche'! Grrr. :wink: :wink: mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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Postby mae » Thu Oct 04, 2007 3:05 pm

mslover, I just reread your poem if only... . It's really very nice, very nice indeed. I do have two suggestions for you if I may.

thinking of you,
as clouds dance above,
painting pictures,
white on blue,


I would suggest deleting 'above' here. We know clouds are in the sky and everyone from 2 yrs. old up knows that the sky is above them. It's redundant in nature and sounds kind of pedestrian when you read it.

if you were here
we would lose ourselves in imagination,
sharing thoughts, and love,
as world faded away,



It seems as though you need SOMETHING before 'world' - the, our, my, something. It just feels incorrect this way.

Other than that, it's really nice. Your language is expressive and, well, beautiful. I especially like the last stanza.

Nicely done, ms. mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing

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