It was the anger of that summer moon. The way it mocked. The way, it almost looked hurt, or… betrayed. The way it hung there- so haughty, so beautiful, so far, and yet somehow also close, a dream daring you to reach so that it could be snatched back away and laugh. Okay… so maybe I was projecting. A little. Or a lot. Externalizing this pain so I could be mad at the moon or the stars or my dreams or… anything but her. Anything.
Magics- I’d rather admit I was wrong than face that again. No- I would definitely rather spend the rest of my life hating that stupid moon than facing what I’d done. Or hadn’t done. I wasn’t sure anymore. I didn’t want to kiss her, certainly didn’t want her to kiss me back, but I also didn’t want to pull away, and surely I didn’t care that she’d been hurt when I had stalked off. I couldn’t be bothered one way or the other if that moon up there was crying in her bed… oh I was in such trouble.
A deep breath. Another, deeper breath. Only then did I remember to exhale.
Then I took another breath.
But my hands were still shaking. Magics curse it all! She was just a girl. Just one gentle, simple, warm-hearted, girl with a caustic wit and security issues and- and the most beautiful smile- which she didn’t use nearly enough and certainly never at me no matter what I did for her- who was also extremely ungrateful and frustratingly silent and- and yet somehow pensive and wise- if you could even get her to speak- with that quiet demeanor and shy tilt of her head- all the better to glance out from under her eyelashes from- while she quietly plotted how best to annoy me best or take over the world or…
What was this? I Hated her. With a capitol H. Hated. Or… didn’t I? I had, but… should I? well, shouldn’t I? Well, was there any reason why I should? But I certainly didn’t feel for her. Didn’t spend all day thinking of something clever to make her turn around just so I’d have an excuse to engage in another enlightening battle of the witty barbs. I did NOT spend an entire evening working up the courage to taunt her about tonight’s dance in a hope I’d somehow get her to come with me- purely so I could stand her up, I'm sure. And, whatever it was- that feeling in the pit of my stomach when she had come in on Jason’s arm looking positively gourgeous- that feeling had not been jealousy. I had not wished Jason a swift and untimely death so that I could steal her away. Or if- IF- I had, it was only because I could better insult her while she was in my arms, dancing with me.
And then she had been in my arms, and… and she’d smelled so good. And I’d said… something. I think it was insulting. Something about Jason, I think, and she’d laughed, and smiled at me. Somehow, I had earned that mysterious half-smile that was also half-smirk that she seemed to reserve only for me. Because she never smiled her real, sweet, charming, innocent smile at me. No, my smiles were also slightly tempered with an edge that stole their sweetness. Anyhow, she’d smiled. And then she’d responded, and I think it was an insult, but to Jason and not to me. And I’d smirked. Because I could never smile properly when she didn’t. And then- and then- and then I was kissing her. Just like that. AND she was kissing me. Sort of. And then she wasn’t, because I’d pulled away. And I’d mumbled… something. I think it was an apology. And I’d left.
And magics curse that stupid moon, but didn’t I know I’d screwed up. There was no reason for it to be there- sitting perfectly smugly in the sky like some sort of happy little, well, whatever-it-was-made-of! If I liked her. If I wanted her to dance with me, or talk with me, or laugh with me, or… or smile at me, I’d go in there and we would. But I didn’t want it. no, I most certainly didn’t. Didn’t want my rival and competition who was possibly the only one at this school intelligent enough to understand me and to carry on a decent conversation with to be crying because of me. If she even was crying. She probably wasn’t. But, then, she was a woman. And women were always crying. But if I wanted to, moon, I could very well and go in there and find her and explain and tell her how I felt and have a very nice evening with her. If I wanted to, I could kiss her again and do it properly this time. And I could apologize. In fact, just to prove it to you, you angry summer moon, I think I will. So there.
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus…
For by grace you have been saved through faith… it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.
Please always feel free to critique anything I write as I am by no means perfect!