Old Humor #2

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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Sat Jun 19, 2004 9:25 am

Ran...I was laughing so hard Jim had to come in and see what was going on. Now HE'S laughing.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Sat Jun 19, 2004 11:28 am

I've read this joke a hundred times and it still brings tears to my eyes ;o)
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to
gnaw through the leather straps.
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Sat Jun 19, 2004 11:42 am

Just had to come and read this aloud to someone. My eyes are watering from laughing. Did you ever try to read aloud while laughing?
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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TheMudge
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Postby TheMudge » Sat Jun 19, 2004 12:12 pm

Gotta admit, Ran--that was LOL funny.

I have one like this--a personal favorite, that on matter how many times I read it, I still laugh until I cry. Unfortunately, I can't really post it in a family-oriented site . . .
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi

"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge

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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Sat Jun 19, 2004 2:53 pm

We HAVE to see it, Mudge! Is there a "restricted" thread here, maybe? Like for those around 50 who might need to be reminded of certain facts of life??
The mind goes, you know...along with everything else. lol
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Erin Lemley
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Postby Erin Lemley » Sat Jun 19, 2004 3:12 pm

Ran wrote:I've read this joke a hundred times and it still brings tears to my eyes ;o)


I got a box of kleenex next to my 'puter just for the chili cook off one. Saw it awhile back and I still crack op beyond belief. :lol:
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Erin Lemley
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Postby Erin Lemley » Sat Jun 19, 2004 3:16 pm

GIRLS NIGHT OUT

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh sh!#," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted. :oops:


I also love this one. It's been around the web a few times.
Fasten your seatbelts. It makes it harder for the aliens to zap you from your car!
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Sat Jun 19, 2004 3:36 pm

When I first started this one, Erin, I thought it was autobiographical. By the time I got to the end, I decided...between laughs...that no, it wasn't. Which part of me was right?
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Sun Jun 20, 2004 9:21 pm

R-Rated ;o)



Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far. Bless her heart.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Erin Lemley
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Postby Erin Lemley » Sun Jun 20, 2004 10:40 pm

Mlou wrote:When I first started this one, Erin, I thought it was autobiographical. By the time I got to the end, I decided...between laughs...that no, it wasn't. Which part of me was right?


Hmm that would be funny if it really did happen, but no it is not autobiographical. Cuckooing would be a dead giveaway to my husband that I was snockered. We don't have a cuckoo clock. I'm sure I'd end up tripping over one of the cats and let's hope I wouldn't fluff so loud it would wake anyone up. :oops:
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Erin Lemley
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Postby Erin Lemley » Sun Jun 20, 2004 10:43 pm

But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far. Bless her heart.


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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Postby Anblick » Tue Jun 22, 2004 10:40 am

New from the world of medicine..........


D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you
of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they
moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before
an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the
urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get
naked now?"

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headaches caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T!
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers in elevators or on
airplanes.

N A G A M E T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as
nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing
it herself.
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Tue Jun 22, 2004 1:20 pm

Scary stuff YOU don't want to know!


During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.) Remote controls in hotels are the worst! (Always carry your Lysol spray!)

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually, you will shake hands with 11 men who have recently 'spanked their monkey' and failed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime, 22 nosey workmen doing work in your home will have examined the contents of your dirty laundry basket. We won't even go into guests snooping in your medicine cabinet.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests. Mouth herpes.

Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.



YOU ALL HAVE A GREAT DAY NOW !!!
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Tue Jun 22, 2004 2:21 pm

Eeeeeewwwwww!!
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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siggidam
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Postby siggidam » Tue Jun 22, 2004 5:23 pm

i second mlou...eeeeewwwwwwwwww!
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Fri Jun 25, 2004 12:30 pm

Axes of Evil, by John Cleese

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just
as Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name.

"Right. They are just as evil . . . in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils . . .
best at being evil .. . we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.
"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

"An axis can't have more than three counties", explained an unnamed Iranian Sheik. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia
announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally
Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable".

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis
of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics".

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false application.

Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

By John Cleese
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Postby TheMudge » Fri Jun 25, 2004 12:40 pm

Hah!
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi


"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge



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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Fri Jun 25, 2004 1:45 pm

How come nobody formed the Axis of Lesser Weevils?
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby Quicksilver Wolf » Fri Jun 25, 2004 8:30 pm

YES! I LOVE MY AXIS! (Australia, Canada and Mexico - Axis of places that are actually rather nice but secretly have nasty thoughts about America). Beautiful!
I like stupid people. They're like cupcakes, only stupid.

~ Darklord DM (I think)
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Fri Jul 02, 2004 11:23 am

If you'll do a QUICK study of history, you might find that America is largely responsible for English being the native tongue of Australia.......and not Japanese....but that's a whole 'nother story I guess ;o)

PEST CONTROL
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said........

"Why those little swine"
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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JillStar
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Postby JillStar » Fri Jul 02, 2004 11:25 am

That's a good one Ran...

Ran?

Oh hey. . . Ran is here!
Fast Fiction Friday Blog 2011-2018: Additional FFF Prompts
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Fri Jul 02, 2004 11:28 am

I be here Darlin' Summertime has been calling me out on my 'scooter' and making me fish some.....ya gotta take the good with the bad ;o)

How are you????
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Fri Jul 02, 2004 2:44 pm

Oh, I liked that one Ran! I dreamed last night that my bed was infested with pissmires (those little tiny red ants). What can this mean, Doctor?
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Sossity
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Postby Sossity » Fri Jul 02, 2004 3:05 pm

Look at Anblicks home cures Mlou, all you need is Preperation H.
There's no limit on happy memories. Make some more!
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Fri Jul 02, 2004 5:08 pm

For ants?? Hmmmm.... Funny thing, I wasn't at home. It was a fancy hotel somewhere. Maybe my subconscious is telling me I need a vacation. :o
I don't need my subc. to tell me THAT!
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America

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