Old Humor #2

A lovely place to chat, post word games, escape momentarily from your writing, or just hang out.

Moderator: Metaphor Makers

User avatar
Ran
Wordtrip Grand Master
Posts: 1518
Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2004 4:12 pm
Location: Clever, MO.

Postby Ran » Mon Jun 07, 2004 7:14 am

WASHINGTON, D.C. --

Hang on to any of the new State of West Virginia quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury
announced today that it is recalling all of the West Virginia quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

"We are recalling all the new West Virginia quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices." The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. "The problem lies in the unique
design of the West Virginia quarter,"

Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to
gnaw through the leather straps.
User avatar
Anblick
Wordtrip Fixture
Posts: 14774
Joined: Mon Feb 16, 2004 9:57 am
Location: In that instant between then and now...
Contact:

Postby Anblick » Mon Jun 07, 2004 11:42 am

HOW TO CLEAN YOUR TOILET THE EASIEST WAY


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.


2 Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.


3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.


4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.


5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".


6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.


7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.


8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.


9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Sincerely,


The Dog
User avatar
Ran
Wordtrip Grand Master
Posts: 1518
Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2004 4:12 pm
Location: Clever, MO.

Postby Ran » Wed Jun 09, 2004 3:48 pm

The Irish Virgin

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:


"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"


Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.


The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:










"RETURNED UNOPENED"
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
User avatar
Ran
Wordtrip Grand Master
Posts: 1518
Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2004 4:12 pm
Location: Clever, MO.

Postby Ran » Fri Jun 11, 2004 2:19 pm

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with the importance of
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

Then he addressed the man. "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?








The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop
right here.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
User avatar
Ran
Wordtrip Grand Master
Posts: 1518
Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2004 4:12 pm
Location: Clever, MO.

Postby Ran » Tue Jun 15, 2004 10:51 am

Once Upon a Time there were 3 Little Pigs . . . ETC, ETC . . WE ALL KNOW THE FIRST PART OF THIS STORY. SO I'LL CUT IT SHORT

The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down."

The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black stretch limo pulls up. Out step three pigs named Guido, Nunzio, and Dominic. These pigs walked over to the wolf, grabbed him by the neck and beat the living crap out of him. Then one of them pulled out a knife, and cut off one of the wolf's ears.

Then they got back into their limo and drove off. The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who were those guys?" they asked.

The brick pig said, "Those are my cousins from North Jersey...






...THE GUINEA PIGS"
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
Aiden

Postby Aiden » Tue Jun 15, 2004 3:02 pm

A farmer, a doctor, an engineer, and a politician were all talking together.

The farmer said, "My profession is the oldest profession, because the first Man Adam was a farmer."

"No," said the doctor. "When Adam was lonely, God cut him open and made a woman out of a rib. Doctors existed before Farmers."

The Engineer said, "Before men and women were made, God designed all the Heavens and the Earth from Chaos. God was an Engineer before He was a Doctor."

"Right," said the politician. "But who do you think created all that chaos?"
User avatar
Anblick
Wordtrip Fixture
Posts: 14774
Joined: Mon Feb 16, 2004 9:57 am
Location: In that instant between then and now...
Contact:

Postby Anblick » Tue Jun 15, 2004 5:23 pm

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the
grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before
they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I
want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The
second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another
snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last
guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this
guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy
eventually calms down and says: "Make'em all ugly again".
Aiden

Postby Aiden » Tue Jun 15, 2004 10:47 pm

A duck walks into a hardware store. "Hey mister, got any grapes?" the duck asks?

"Of course not," says the owner. "This is a hardware store, not a produce market."

The duck comes back the next day. "Hey Mister, got any grapes?"

"I already told you once, we don't sell grapes here."

The third day, the duck comes back. "Hey mister, got any grapes?"

By this time, the owner is angry. "I've told you twice, we do not sell grapes here. If you come back again, I'm going to staple your feet to the ground." The duck leaves the store.

The next day, the duck walks into the store. "Hey mister, got any staples?" The owner at first glared angrily, and then smiled, relieved.

"Nope, we just sold out."

"Then, do you got any grapes?"
User avatar
PepsiMom
Wordtripper
Posts: 25
Joined: Mon May 26, 2003 7:20 am
Contact:

Postby PepsiMom » Wed Jun 16, 2004 11:41 pm

How many forum members does it take...?
...to change a lightbulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

17 people who read the post, but don't respond
because "they don't want to get involved" in the light bulb
controversy.

125 lurkers who read the post but just don't feel they are good enough at light bulb changing to make a comment
User avatar
Delaney
Wordtrip Fixture
Posts: 5390
Joined: Mon May 10, 2004 9:31 pm
Location: Eden

Postby Delaney » Thu Jun 17, 2004 12:27 am

LOL ok I really enjoyed that last one. PepsiMom, why do you have link to CharlesP's website? j/w :)
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
User avatar
charlesp
Site Admin
Posts: 13851
Joined: Sun Apr 27, 2003 8:56 pm
Location: Lawrenceville, GA
Contact:

Postby charlesp » Thu Jun 17, 2004 12:32 am

Delaney wrote:LOL ok I really enjoyed that last one. PepsiMom, why do you have link to CharlesP's website? j/w :)

Pepsimom is Mrs Charles/BFedRec

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C Clarke
"Coffee is sufficiently advanced technology" - Merlin Mann
One day I realized that sadness is just another word for not enough coffee." - Wally (Dilbert)
User avatar
Delaney
Wordtrip Fixture
Posts: 5390
Joined: Mon May 10, 2004 9:31 pm
Location: Eden

Postby Delaney » Thu Jun 17, 2004 10:42 am

ahhh ok. I wondered if that was the case.
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
User avatar
Ran
Wordtrip Grand Master
Posts: 1518
Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2004 4:12 pm
Location: Clever, MO.

Postby Ran » Thu Jun 17, 2004 12:26 pm

New Survivor Game


Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV stations will be airing a new Survivor show, "Southern Style".

The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi, Louisiana and Texas; finally ending up back over in Alabama.

Each will be driving a pink Renault with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read:

I'm Gay
I'm a Vegetarian
NASCAR Sucks
Go Yankees!
Smoking is for Idiots
Hillary in 2004
Deer Hunting is Murder...and...
I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!

The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
User avatar
Mlou
Wordtrip Fixture
Posts: 16613
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2004 10:24 pm
Location: Vermont

Postby Mlou » Thu Jun 17, 2004 1:41 pm

Pepsi Mom: You left out:

At least one to say that while I don't agree with the opinions expressed above, I will defend to the death their right to hold those opinions.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
User avatar
Hissmonster
Wordtrip Fixture
Posts: 9359
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2003 12:04 am
Location: Boston, MA

Postby Hissmonster » Thu Jun 17, 2004 2:45 pm

Pepsimom..

that was great! Printed it off for my collection....

Ran

are you warning us Northern, city folk of the perils of travelling to the south this July...I will make sure my Gay Rule, No guns and Hillary awesome pins are left at home (laugher) I have to see if I can contribute to this thread..used to have some good jokes..hmmm

Oh well, till I find them...will leave the postings to our reigning king of humor....with occasionally guest performers... 8)

More jokes please :!:
User avatar
Sossity
Wordtripper Extraordinaire
Posts: 634
Joined: Mon Mar 08, 2004 2:16 pm
Location: Middle of nowhere, half way to everything.

Postby Sossity » Thu Jun 17, 2004 9:41 pm

Pepsimom, A.K.A. Mrs. CharlesP/BFedRec you also forgot that those are the reasons we all love this site. 'Cause we're all sick.
There's no limit on happy memories. Make some more!
User avatar
charlesp
Site Admin
Posts: 13851
Joined: Sun Apr 27, 2003 8:56 pm
Location: Lawrenceville, GA
Contact:

Postby charlesp » Thu Jun 17, 2004 9:46 pm

Sossity wrote:Pepsimom, A.K.A. Mrs. CharlesP/BFedRec you also forgot that those are the reasons we all love this site. 'Cause we're all sick.

thing is HOW universal those sort of things are to most forum/bulletin board type sites, whatever the subject.

CharlesP

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C Clarke
"Coffee is sufficiently advanced technology" - Merlin Mann
One day I realized that sadness is just another word for not enough coffee." - Wally (Dilbert)
User avatar
Sossity
Wordtripper Extraordinaire
Posts: 634
Joined: Mon Mar 08, 2004 2:16 pm
Location: Middle of nowhere, half way to everything.

Postby Sossity » Thu Jun 17, 2004 9:55 pm

Everyone just wants to be heard and validated. Thats what's great here. We can all have an opinion, and have it argued against, but we still walk away with our opinion, and no one bashing it or making anyone feel as they don't belong. Alot of other sites I have been on have been very one sided and it depends on what side you are on as to whether you stay or not.
There's no limit on happy memories. Make some more!
User avatar
Ran
Wordtrip Grand Master
Posts: 1518
Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2004 4:12 pm
Location: Clever, MO.

Postby Ran » Fri Jun 18, 2004 9:01 am

Are you a Conservative or a Liberal???



Question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and
charges.

You are carrying a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:

Well that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would
inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun and what kind of message does this send to society and my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

_______________________________________________________

Conservative Answer:

BANG!

_______________________________________________________

Texan's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click... (sounds of reloading).

Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"

Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click.

Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
User avatar
Mlou
Wordtrip Fixture
Posts: 16613
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2004 10:24 pm
Location: Vermont

Postby Mlou » Fri Jun 18, 2004 9:21 am

Right on, Ran! BANG, BANG, BANG!
We old New England Yankees are nothing if not practical.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
User avatar
Sossity
Wordtripper Extraordinaire
Posts: 634
Joined: Mon Mar 08, 2004 2:16 pm
Location: Middle of nowhere, half way to everything.

Postby Sossity » Fri Jun 18, 2004 9:34 am

I was taught to unload the gun. Dead men tell no tales.
There's no limit on happy memories. Make some more!
User avatar
Ran
Wordtrip Grand Master
Posts: 1518
Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2004 4:12 pm
Location: Clever, MO.

Postby Ran » Fri Jun 18, 2004 1:15 pm

You know what they say about gun control.....


....is being able to hit your target ;o)
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
User avatar
Hissmonster
Wordtrip Fixture
Posts: 9359
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2003 12:04 am
Location: Boston, MA

Postby Hissmonster » Fri Jun 18, 2004 11:51 pm

laughter..remind me never to get drunk and run at you w/ a knife ran 8)
Aiden

Postby Aiden » Sat Jun 19, 2004 12:17 am

Dead men tell no tales.

Dead men also don't rape your wife, kill your children, or rob you blind.

Plus, you don't want the poor man to just lay there and suffer. I'm not cruel.
User avatar
Ran
Wordtrip Grand Master
Posts: 1518
Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2004 4:12 pm
Location: Clever, MO.

Postby Ran » Sat Jun 19, 2004 7:28 am

This is one of my favorite jokes. It holds an honorable place in my personal joke hall of fame.

ENJOY!



The U.S. has distinct regional cultural differences, and the following is a classic example.

It recounts a chili cook-off held in Texas in the parking lot of the Astrodome during Rodeo Season. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Judas Priest, what in the name of all that's Holy is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my
face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting wasted from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge# 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. hunk of love is starting to look HOT ...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those red necks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3-- I soiled myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally that wanton barmaid. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava like substance to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over
and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.

Return to “The Coffee Shop”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest