Old Humor #2

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Ran
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Postby Ran » Sat May 29, 2004 5:41 pm

A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption.

One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amal. The other went to a family in Spain, and they named him Juan.

Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished that she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responded, "But they're twins....






If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to
gnaw through the leather straps.
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Sun May 30, 2004 5:07 pm

How the "non bias" press really works.

Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off a near by fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over with his laptop computer to interview the boy for a story.

The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal."

"But I'm not a Celtics fan, "the little hero interjected.

"Sorry, "replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack."

"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.

The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or Kerry."

"What team or person do you like? "

"I'm a Sacramento Kings fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says.

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again, "Arrogant Little Conservative Scumbag Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Sun May 30, 2004 5:10 pm

Oh, how true, Ran!
I live in the wrong state for most of my views, I think. Only Bill O'Reilly keeps me sane...or as sane as I'm ever going to be. :o)
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Sun May 30, 2004 5:13 pm

I confess I'm an O'Reilly fan too. Can't hardly abide Mr. Kerry and his rhetoric. I was in Viet Nam about the same time and did pretty much the same stuff, I do take exception to the garbage he's been saying and has said about how we conducted ourselves there....

sorry won't get into it. ;o)
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Sun May 30, 2004 5:17 pm

That's okay. I mouth off every time I see his mug on the news with his sanctimonious air. He should have been representing us in Congress instead of campaigning and perhaps that important bill would have passed. (lost by one vote) It irks me that we're paying him to campaign instead of tend to business.
Can't stand the Kennedys or him, so you know I'm in the wrong state.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
slickerydoo

Postby slickerydoo » Sun May 30, 2004 6:06 pm

Ronald Reagan once walked through a cemetery with his wife and stopped at a particularly large tombstone which read, 'Here lies and honest man and a politician.' He turned to his wife and said, "Look Nancy, two men buried in the same grave."

Down here in South Carolina Kerry is known as John F'ing Kerry. If he gets elected, can you imagine what his State of the Union address will sound like? They'll have to air it at midnight after all the kids are in bed.
slickerydoo

Postby slickerydoo » Sun May 30, 2004 6:45 pm

A waitress, a truck driver, and a lawyer all died at about the same time and stood before the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter found their names on his list and noticed that the three of them were sort of "iffy." Before I can let you guys in you're all going to have to answer a question."

Saint Peter turned to the waitress and said, "name the ship that hit an iceberg and sunk." The waitress smiled. "That's easy," she said, "I saw the movie, it's the Titanic."

"You are absolutely right," Peter said, "come on in." He then turned to the truck driver. "How many people onboard died?" The truck driver thought a minute and said, "I saw the movie too, but I can't remember the exact number. I think somewhere around 1,100."

"That's close enough," Peter said. "Welcome to heaven." He then turned to the lawyer and said, "Name them."
slickerydoo

Postby slickerydoo » Sun May 30, 2004 7:47 pm

An 83-year-old man had lived all his life on the coast of Florida. His greatest joy had been the porpoises. In fact he had made friends in his childhood with one and it was still living.

The porpoise communicated to the old man that he was one of the few that were granted immortality but it came with a price. There was a small blonde girl, herself eternal, who lived in Georgia that knew the secret of the porpoise. She was the one chosen to give up three golden locks of hair a year to be eaten by the porpoise. It kept him healthy and young for another year. The one who had been getting the curls for the porpoise had died a few months ago. Could the old man make the trip for him this year?

The old man agreed. He drove to Georgia, found the girl and cut off three locks of hair. As he was crossing back into Florida he was promptly pulled over and arrested. The charge? Taking curls across a state line for immortal porpoises.
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Mon May 31, 2004 7:48 am

Driving this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph, with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,
it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an
important call.

Women drivers......who needs 'em ! !
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Quicksilver Wolf
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Postby Quicksilver Wolf » Mon May 31, 2004 8:08 am

'Here lies and honest man and a politician.' He turned to his wife and said, "Look Nancy, two men buried in the same grave."


Damn, that's hilarious! :lol:


Damned women drivers.

And damn cops, too. Stupid laws... one day there'll be a law against breathing, a law against sleeping, a law against fun, a law against living... hell, even a law against laws! Jeez...
I like stupid people. They're like cupcakes, only stupid.

~ Darklord DM (I think)
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Mon May 31, 2004 9:02 am

Ran, how is your lawsuit against the coffee purveyor going?

Quicksilver, never damn cops to Ran!!!
Besides, cops don't make the laws. It's the senators and representatives with all that time on their hands. And the supreme courts who are reinterpreting everything THEIR way!
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
slickerydoo

Postby slickerydoo » Mon May 31, 2004 11:47 am

Big Jim and the twins? It that what they're calling it nowdays?
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Sossity
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Postby Sossity » Mon May 31, 2004 4:30 pm

Nowdays? I think their are more names for the Man and the Boys than planets. And I doubt if anything is new.
There's no limit on happy memories. Make some more!
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Tue Jun 01, 2004 11:25 am

Quicksilver Wolf wrote:And damn cops, too. Stupid laws... one day there'll be a law against breathing, a law against sleeping, a law against fun, a law against living... hell, even a law against laws! Jeez...



It's OK Quick...you're entitled to your opinion, that's what the 1st amendment is all about. I do have one suggestion for ya though. Study the system so you'll know how it works before you go damning stuff you are a little unclear on...and....if you ever find yourself the victim of a crime or an emergency, don't call a cop if you feel that way about 'em.............call your local politician or convenience store clerk, maybe you'll get a more harmonious outcome :wink:
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Tue Jun 01, 2004 12:00 pm

Sorry, Ran...I just cannot equate this avatar with my mental vision of you. It does not compute, as my fellow robots say.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Tue Jun 01, 2004 1:02 pm

;o) Actually it may be closer than you think. No beard, just a moustache (I have a coffee mug that says kissing a cop without a moustache is like eating an egg without salt....I don't know what that has to do with this though ;o)

My hair is considerably shorter, but the color is.....well I like to call it 'vision of white, wrapped in a blizzard'. I'd like to find another avatar, but I can't seem to find one that I like. The wallpaper on my computer is a smiley face with a weeks growth of beard and chewing on a cigar....that's a much more appropriate avatar for me ;o)
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Tue Jun 01, 2004 1:15 pm

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the officer you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you're now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the officer arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was the wisest choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Delaney
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silly...

Postby Delaney » Tue Jun 01, 2004 1:33 pm

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read,stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make themscream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Tue Jun 01, 2004 2:20 pm

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will
bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the
days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous! Peter
Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you
be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that
he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It", "I Can Help", and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter and I'll give
you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose
do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!"
What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body,what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q.. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Tue Jun 01, 2004 3:22 pm

Those are GREAT, Anblick! I needed a laugh today.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Tue Jun 01, 2004 5:21 pm

I remember those folks...they were great. thanks for sharing that one ;o)
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Thu Jun 03, 2004 1:13 pm

The following ad in the personal section of The Atlanta Journal is reported to have generated thousands of calls:

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.

Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8 month old black Labrador retriever.

Men are so easy.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Fri Jun 04, 2004 1:50 pm

New offerings from the Dysfunctional Section of the Hallmark Store...


1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
Aiden

Postby Aiden » Mon Jun 07, 2004 12:33 am

Some of these might have already been posted, but since I got them in "bulk" (as in an e-mail), I'll post them all at once.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though
it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated
that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a
whale could not swallow a human. It was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will as Jonah.”
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were
drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she
got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing
was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, “They will in a minute.”

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and
six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she
asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and
sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou
shall not kill.”

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the
kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of
white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her
mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me
cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

The children had all been photographed and the teacher was trying to persuade
them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’”
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher,
She’s dead.”

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my
head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face.”
“Yes,” the class said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the
blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made
a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large
pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: “Take all you
want. God is watching the apples.”
Aiden

Postby Aiden » Mon Jun 07, 2004 1:07 am

Once upon a time there lived a people, and the people were called the Trids. These people were under tribute to a king, and the king in return protected the people from the many dangers that existed back in those days.

One year, the king did not receive his tribute. He sent messengers to the Trids, who sent back a quick response. It turned out that a giant that lived on a nearby mountain had stolen all the crops and livestock produced that year, and the Trids had nothing to tribute.

Naturally, the king was angry. He sent 100 troops under the leadership of a local priest to kill the giant and bring back the stolen goods. The army marched all the way up the mountain to the giant's cave and started beating down the door. The giant quickly came out, and with a giant kick (HAR!), knocked every troop, including the priest, down the mountain. Only one soldier managed to survive, and tell the story to the king.

Now the king was madder. He sent 500 troops, under the leadership of the head bishop to the mountain. This army made it just as far, but like the first time, the giant kicked the entire army down the mountain, and only one survived to tell the story.

Now the king was furious. he sent 1000 troops, this time under the leadership of a rabbi (which he borrowed from a neighboring kingdom, as he started to distrust his own religion), to kill the giant. Like the previous times, the army marched all the way to the giants cave. And like the previous times, the giant came out and started kicking the Tridian army down the mountain. He kick every solider off the mountain, and started for the rabbi. However, after the giant got a good look at the rabbi, the giant just walked off.

The rabbi was stunned. Finally, he got his voice back and called after the giant. "Why didn't you kick me off the mountain like you did the rest of the army?"

The giant walked over to the man, patted him on the head, and said..................."Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!!!"

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