Old Humor #2

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Ran
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Postby Ran » Fri Jul 02, 2004 6:37 pm

PISSmires???????

Did you eat watermelon before you went to bed? ;o) Your husband isn't getting up in the middle of the night and sticking your hand in warm water is he?
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to
gnaw through the leather straps.
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Sun Jul 04, 2004 12:16 pm

Pet Fish

A ole cajun boy was stopped by a game warden in Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, after leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the fellow, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" exclaimed the warden.

"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de lake and let dem swim 'round for a while. I whistle and dey jump rat back into dere ice chests and I take dem back home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" said the warden.

The fellow looked at the game warden for a moment and then said: "It's de truth ma' fren, I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The ole cajun poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the boy.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Sun Jul 04, 2004 12:25 pm

Good thinkin', ol' Cajun boy!
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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JillStar
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Postby JillStar » Sun Jul 04, 2004 12:30 pm

Ran... was that you in a former life?
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Sun Jul 04, 2004 12:31 pm

Oh dere girl, dar ain't no former 'bout dis ;o)
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Sun Jul 04, 2004 12:36 pm

My Dad was an ol' country boy, didn't think too much about wardens checking his creel either! He's told some tales.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Sun Jul 04, 2004 12:38 pm

Ahhh, there's nothin' better than 'fish' tails...er tales that is ;o)
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Postby Mlou » Sun Jul 04, 2004 12:40 pm

Well, maybe not the tails, but anything he brought home Mom would cook as long as he cleaned it. I've had frog's legs, moose meat, and any number of unusual varieties in my youth.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Sun Jul 04, 2004 12:43 pm

I can taste it all.....your Pop musta been a good man ;o)
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Postby Mlou » Sun Jul 04, 2004 12:46 pm

We always said he would have been a Big Man in Daniel Boone's era. He was just born too late. He'd leave the horse and the plow at the drop of an invitation to go hunting, fishing, horse racing..whatever. But he WAS a good man!
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Sun Jul 04, 2004 12:46 pm

;o)
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Mon Jul 05, 2004 12:20 pm

Well, someone just sent me this groaner so thought I'd pass it on.

An American Indian woman went to her doctor for a checkup. He found her in excellent health but was greatly puzzled by one anomaly.

"You have no nipples!" he marveled.
"No. None of our tribe do." she responded
"But that 's amazing! How many members of your tribe?"
"500."
"And what is the tribe's name?"


wait for it...



The Indiannippleless 500!
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Tue Jul 06, 2004 8:10 am

COMPUTER TERM;

Now I know why I have so much trouble with computers, I just didn't know that there was a term for it !!!!

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless
inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that...in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure
it out."

So I wrote out ....... I D 1 0 T




I used to like Harold...
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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JillStar
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Postby JillStar » Tue Jul 06, 2004 10:29 am

MOU!! I'm shocked... :D

And Ran... sorry about Harold... he's kind of a jerk. :)
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Tue Jul 06, 2004 10:55 am

Yeah, Jill. But at least you don't belong to THAT tribe! Do you?
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Tue Jul 06, 2004 3:12 pm

Why are we still there?

Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction. Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble. Why are we still there?

Many of our children go there and never come back. Why are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership. Why are we still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized. Why are we still there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, which we are supposed to bail them out of. Why are we still there?

There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand. Why are we still there?

Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans. Why are we still there?

We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford. Why are we still there?



The answer is clear.







We must pull out of California.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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JillStar
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Postby JillStar » Tue Jul 06, 2004 6:33 pm

Good one Ran... I already did. :)
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Wed Jul 07, 2004 6:57 am

We call it CALIFORNUS INTERRUPTUS
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Sossity
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Postby Sossity » Wed Jul 07, 2004 7:12 am

We feel the same way about NYC.
There's no limit on happy memories. Make some more!
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Postby JillStar » Wed Jul 07, 2004 10:53 am

Leave it all to Arnold.
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Thu Jul 08, 2004 8:13 am

TOURISM RULES

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when visitors from New York, Boston, and nearly all of California cross, states lines of: Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, South Dakota, and Wyoming; those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines.

In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each out-of-state driver entering the area:

1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a 'rock road' or a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped... by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish or a pike breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for. . . bait.

6. Pull your pants up, turn your cap around and take that ring out of your nose. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid "up town" for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

10. If you bring Coke into my house, it had better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a one hundred and sixty thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have $250,000 combines that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist? Isn't that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, 90, and 94 go two ways; Interstates 29, 35, 39, and 65 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer or pheasant season, both religious holidays. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer or State Trooper that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir". . . no matter how old he is.

Now, have a great day and enjoy your visit ;o)
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Thu Jul 08, 2004 7:59 pm

A well dressed blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy
to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies..... "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Thu Jul 08, 2004 8:37 pm

I saw that one coming, Ran, but I like it.
Where do you get all these smart, sassy blondes you wrote about anyway? Do blondes have more fun?
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby Anblick » Thu Jul 08, 2004 10:23 pm

A Mother's Vocabulary

AMNESIA:

Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

DUMBWAITER:

One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING:

The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK:

The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME:

What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS:

The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY:

What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE:

A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT:

How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

POW:

The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE:

A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry clothes into it.

SHOW OFF:

A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE:

What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK:

Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING:

When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL:

Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT:

None of the kids that live in your house..

WEEKEND:

When Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.
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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Thu Jul 08, 2004 10:26 pm

Horoscope for Southerners:

It has become obvious to many Southerners that the current astrological signs are too obscure and should be replaced with more familiar symbols.
Here's the new list of astrological signs.

for Southerners:

OKRA (Dec. 22-Jan. 20): Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21.-Feb. 19): Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they are uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb. 20-March 20): You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in his right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21-April 20): You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize - the physical appearance of Moon Pies.
"Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21-May 21): When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't-bother-me-about-it "
attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22-June 21): Crawfish is a water sign.
If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically.

COLLARDS (June 22-July 23): Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists and baseball managers. As far as your Personal life goes, if you are Collards stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH July 24-Aug. 23): Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, maybe you should think about joining a club.
Where you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept. 24-Oct. 23): You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, your friends and loved ones may find that your person is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud.
You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov. 23-Dec. 21): You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some root fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You are really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another mating possibility.

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