Old Humor #2

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DragonLady
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Old Humor #2

Postby DragonLady » Mon May 24, 2004 12:07 pm

Here is one

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially
embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Mon May 24, 2004 12:15 pm

That one made me laugh out loud and I scared the dog ;o) Thanks
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to
gnaw through the leather straps.
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DragonLady
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Postby DragonLady » Mon May 24, 2004 1:19 pm

Your most welcome. One good joke deserves another you have made me laugh out loud several times. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Here is another one:



Subject: Surrogate Father



The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a
surrogate father, named Jerry Kean, to start their family. On the day
the
proxy father was
to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should
be
here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang
the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've
come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a speciality
of
babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch
and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun

too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and
me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we

try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of .!!." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in

and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm
sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his

baby
pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their

mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to
get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate!
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when
the
possums began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your
um...equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work"

"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.... Good Lord, she's fainted!!
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Postby Anblick » Mon May 24, 2004 4:36 pm

This is for Ran:

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...
couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so
they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly
because it was a sew-sew job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the
mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my
net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the
work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the
job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a
historian, but there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED, AND FOUND THAT I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB
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Postby Mlou » Mon May 24, 2004 4:49 pm

A golfer was about to go on his honeymoon in a couple of days when he was dealt a severe blow to the groin by a driven golfball.
He worried how this was going to affect his honeymoon but the doctor assured him that in time he'd be as good as new.
"However," he said I will need to apply splints to help the healing." Whereupon he carefully bandaged 4 tongue depressors to the injured area.
On the honeymoon, the young bride having doffed her clothing, said: "I've saved myself for you, my dearest. No one else have ever touched me."
Then he too whipped off his clothing and said proudly, "Still in the crate!"
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Tue May 25, 2004 2:50 pm

Do we all remember ebonics? I miss 'em.

Today's word from the California School System:

'OMELETTE'

Let's use it in a sentence...



"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Postby Hissmonster » Tue May 25, 2004 3:00 pm

:lol: UGH!
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Thu May 27, 2004 12:59 pm

Warning...this is a real GROANER

Some Friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the
men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the Friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up The Friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that.....



Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist Friars.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Postby Hissmonster » Thu May 27, 2004 1:37 pm

Oh you were right to warn us darling. that was bad...made me laugh though. :)
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Postby Mlou » Thu May 27, 2004 3:15 pm

Hugh try any more like that and you're liable to get a Friar Tuck in some painful way. Or maybe get tonsured. Or MAYBE the Big Z will leave a calling card. So, live in terror!
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Thu May 27, 2004 5:21 pm

A cop joke...


In a recent FDA study, the United States government doctors who were conducting studies on test drugs administered weekly doses of viagra to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.

While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.

The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Postby Hissmonster » Thu May 27, 2004 7:15 pm

:lol: I work with too many lawyers...this is cute
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Fri May 28, 2004 9:06 am

Do you know what the difference is between a rabbit that's been run over on the highway...and an attorney that's been run over on the highway?










There are skidmarks in front of the rabbit ;o)
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Fri May 28, 2004 9:34 am

I wonder if this is the reason I never got my material back from the agent/attorney that I sent it to (at her request).
One chapter MAY have contained a little somewhat defamatory conversation about lawyers! I did explain to her that it was the character's p.o.v. and not necessarily mine. Maybe she didn't see it as a joke. Damn my sense of humor! It has got me in trouble more than once.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby Ran » Fri May 28, 2004 5:05 pm

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor raising his voice a little, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
slickerydoo

Here's one for Ran

Postby slickerydoo » Fri May 28, 2004 5:10 pm

An attorney named Bob and his wife Edith were approaching 25 years of mostly peaceful bliss. They lived in the country on 50 acres and Bob wanted to use 10 acres to put in his own lake. This had always been his dream and the one problem between he and Edith.

One day Edith asked Bob: "What do you want for an anniversary present?"

You know what I want, Edith. The same thing I've wanted for the past 25 years."

Edith groaned. "You're not bringing up the lake again, are you? We've been over and over this. I told you I don't want a lake on the property. When you stock it with fish it will stink and besides that it will draw bugs. You know I hate bugs. Pick something else."

"I don't want anything else...just the lake. It would be peaceful out there and relaxing after a hard week in the office. I've always given you everything you've ever wanted and all I've ever asked in return is to have my own lake."

Edith threw a tantrum. "I won't stand for it, Bob. If you so much as start digging the hole, I'm packing up and leaving."

Just then the phone rang. It was from Edith's sister. Her husband just went to the hospital and she needed Edith to come to stay with the kids. She packed a few things and jumped into the car. As she pulled away she yelled to her husband. "Remember what I said, Bob. Don't do anything foolish while I'm gone. I'm serious. I will leave you."

Before the dust had settled on the dirt road Bob was on the phone with a contractor. Two weeks later when Edith returned she found Bob fishing on his new 10 acre lake. Edith didn't say a word but went into the house, packed her things, and left. What's the moral of the story?

You can't have your lake and Edith too.
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Fri May 28, 2004 5:13 pm

ARRRGGHGHHHHH.....I love it ;o)
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Fri May 28, 2004 5:14 pm

ARRRGGHGHHHHH.....I love it ;o)

Two boll weevils grew up in Georgia. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
slickerydoo

What's this?

Postby slickerydoo » Fri May 28, 2004 5:49 pm

What's foe fee foe, foe fee foe fee.

Leroy's phone number

And this: There was a man who had a sister named Emily with a wooden leg that she was highly self-conscious about. She was disappointed that she had no date to the biggest dance in town. Her brother felt sorry for her and tried to get her a date. He went to his best friend, Pete, to see if he would help. Pete also had a handicap, a wooden eye, and he was just as sensitive about his handicap as Emily was about hers.

"I don't wan't to take out Emily," Pete told her brother. "What if she makes fun of my wooden eye. That would really upset me."

"She'd never do that. Remember she has a wooden leg and she'd be just as upset if you made fun of her."

Later that night Pete and Emily were sitting together at a table when the band started to play. "Care to dance," Pete asked.

Emily smiled. "Would eye!" she said.

Pete was shocked and hurt. "Wood eye, huh. Peg leg, peg leg, peg leg!"
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Sat May 29, 2004 7:14 am

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," she said...









"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Sat May 29, 2004 9:36 am

Aaaaaggghhhh!

The punmeister strikes again! :lol:
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
slickerydoo

Ran

Postby slickerydoo » Sat May 29, 2004 1:11 pm

There was a man named Benny who sported a full beard. He'd had it for a long time but wanted to take it off for the summer. Now his wife loved the beard and wanted him to keep it. They got into a big argument over it and went back and forth for several hours. Finally, in disgust Benny's wife threatened him. "If you cut off your beard, I swear I'll kill you and have you cremated." Benny of course didn't believe her and shaved off his beard. True to her word, however, his wife carried out her threat. The moral of this story is--

A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Sat May 29, 2004 1:38 pm

I take it that you and Ran have formed PUNishment, Inc.??
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Sossity
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Postby Sossity » Sat May 29, 2004 2:09 pm

Is that located in the PUNshine state?
There's no limit on happy memories. Make some more!
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Sat May 29, 2004 3:37 pm

No, I think it's more a State of Mind.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America

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