Old Humor #3

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Ran
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Postby Ran » Mon Aug 02, 2004 9:38 am

Short IQ Test

SHORT AND SWEET......

Test your IQ with the question below:

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper
and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?


























He just has to open his mouth and ask.

If you got this wrong please - do not pass go, do not breed, just go dig a hole and hide.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to
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Postby TheMudge » Mon Aug 02, 2004 9:41 am

OK, I thought I just didn't get it. I feel better now.
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi

"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge

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Delaney
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Postby Delaney » Mon Aug 02, 2004 12:13 pm

LOL
Uh-oh, I bred already. Hope he gets it quicker than I did ;)
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Violinagin
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Postby Violinagin » Tue Aug 03, 2004 12:51 am

:rofl: I like this thread! It makes me smile and makes me happy!
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Tue Aug 03, 2004 11:04 am

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the old priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.... and try saying things like "yes, I see," and "yes, go on", and "I understand." The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "Judas Priest, you've got to be kidding? What happened next?"
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Delaney
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Postby Delaney » Tue Aug 03, 2004 11:05 am

LOL that's great! I get it! I get it!
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Tue Aug 03, 2004 11:07 am

You got it??????

YIPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Erin Lemley
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Postby Erin Lemley » Tue Aug 03, 2004 11:23 am

OMG wish my priests were like the newbie when I was growing up. I may have gone to confession more often!
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Postby Anblick » Tue Aug 03, 2004 12:09 pm

BE SURE TO MARK YOUR CALENDARS FOR THIS SATURDAY!

AS YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A TALIBAN
MALE TO SEE ANY WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE NAKED,
AND THAT HE MUST COMMIT SUICIDE IF HE DOES.

SO THIS SATURDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN TIME ALL AMERICAN
WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WALK OUT OF THEIR HOUSES
COMPLETELY NAKED TO HELP WEED OUT ANY NEIGHBORHOOD
TERRORISTS. CIRCLING YOUR BLOCK FOR ONE HOUR IS
RECOMMENDED FOR THIS ANTI-TERRORIST EFFORT.

ALL MEN ARE TO POSITION THEMSELVES IN LAWN CHAIRS
IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE TO PROVE THEY ARE NOT TALIBAN,
AND TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THEY THINK IT'S OKAY TO SEE
NUDE WOMEN OTHER THAN THEIR WIFE AND TO SHOW SUPPORT
FOR ALL AMERICAN WOMEN.

AND SINCE THE TALIBAN ALSO DOES NOT APPROVE OF
ALCOHOL, A COLD 6-PACK AT YOUR SIDE IS FURTHER PROOF
OF YOUR ANTI-TALIBAN SENTIMENT. FOR GOOD MEASURE,
HAVE VARIOUS PORK PRODUCTS COOKING ON YOUR BBQ GRILL.

THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS TO
ROOT OUT TERRORISTS AND APPLAUDS YOUR PARTICIPATION
IN THIS ANTI-TERRORIST ACTIVITY.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON
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Postby Violinagin » Tue Aug 03, 2004 11:17 pm

A cousin sent me this one... I'm still laughing :D

A new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor`s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don`t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not bet his a@@.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8 ) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the s*** out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don`t say he was stoned off his a@@.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body......." He did not say, "Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub, Thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14) Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter`s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy`s.
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Thu Aug 05, 2004 1:11 pm

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also since he lost his job three years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around with his pals while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed Clueless

******************************
Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, You are a United States Senator from New York now.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Postby Zuggy » Wed Aug 11, 2004 5:25 pm

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Ran
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Postby Ran » Tue Aug 17, 2004 3:59 pm

ARMY LOGIC

Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a West Virginia
Mountain Man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in Basic, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.


I know the punch line might be a little obscure in this one, but I hope you get it ;o)
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Postby Anblick » Tue Aug 17, 2004 7:48 pm

This one's for RAN!

A man goes to his dentist because he feels something is wrong with his mouth. The dentist examines him and says,

"That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is completely corroded. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was
delicious: Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, you name it."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem.
Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time I'll use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asks the patient.

The dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
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Postby Violinagin » Tue Aug 17, 2004 11:51 pm

Ran wrote:ARMY LOGIC

Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a West Virginia
Mountain Man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in Basic, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.


I know the punch line might be a little obscure in this one, but I hope you get it ;o)


*Dies laughing* I got it right of the bat... Hmm... I've gotta send this to some people! They'd love it!
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musthavebeenmykarma
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Postby musthavebeenmykarma » Fri Aug 20, 2004 10:29 pm

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
I hope I'm a punk-rocking zombie when I die-


Or at least a headbanging one.

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musthavebeenmykarma
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Postby musthavebeenmykarma » Fri Aug 20, 2004 10:41 pm

Just remembered another one... I give it a PG-13 rating, so avert your eyes!

Mark was walking down the street and he bumped into an old buddy, Steve. Mark and Steve get talking and Mark asks Steve what he's been up to.

"I'm going to the university," says Steve.

"Oh, really. What are you taking?" asks Mark.

"Philosophy," he says.

"What kind of philosophy?"

"Logic, actually," says Steve.

"What's logic?" asks Mark.

"Well, it's kind of like this -- have you got a fishbowl, Mark?"

"Yeah, I do as a matter of fact."

"Well, if you've got a fish bowl, you probably like fish, don't you."

"Yeah, I do."

"And if you like fish, chances are you probably like animals, right?"

"Yeah, I love animals."

"Well, if you love animals, I'd say there was a probability that you like people as well."

"Yeah, I do. I like people."

"And if you like people, I'll bet you like women."

"That's for sure!"

"And, Mark, if you like women I'd be willing to bet that you like sex."

"Geez, Steve, I love sex."

"Well that's the way it works, Mark -- that's logic."

"Wow, that's great," says Mark.

At the end of their conversation, Steve had to run and Mark continued on his way down Richmond Street, only to bump into another friend, Paul.

They get talking and Mark tells Paul he ran into Steve only minutes earlier.

"Oh, really. What's he up to these days?" asks Paul.

"He's at the university," says Mark.

"What's he taking?" asks Paul.

"Logic," says Mark.

"What's logic?" asks Paul.

"Well, let me see -- it's sort of like this, Paul: Have you got a fish bowl?"

"No, I haven't, Mark."

"What are you, some kind of fag?" says Mark indignantly.
I hope I'm a punk-rocking zombie when I die-





Or at least a headbanging one.



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Postby Erin Lemley » Sat Aug 21, 2004 1:20 am

A woman walks into a department store and begins tormenting a very busy salesman.

He wants to get back to his customers who are ready with their purchases at the cash register.
So he asks the woman if she wouldn't mind waiting a few minutes and he would gladly help her.

She pipes up"Well I just can't decide to buy the windbreaker or the sweater'

Exasperated, he says "That's easy... are you planning on sweating or breaking wind?"
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Postby Hyker » Sat Aug 21, 2004 3:47 am

:lol: :lol:
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Erin Lemley
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Postby Erin Lemley » Sun Aug 22, 2004 12:57 am

What do you call pall bears at a funeral in Oklahoma?
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Postby Erin Lemley » Sun Aug 22, 2004 1:02 am

Carry okies (Karoeke)
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Postby Erin Lemley » Sun Aug 22, 2004 1:03 am

Got this in an email today LOL :D

Thanks to all my friends who have sent me such important emails in 2004! It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!

Because of all of you:

I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.

I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, for fear that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.

I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody, for fear that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. That poor sick girl that was about to die in the hospital. Funny thing, she never seems to get any older ..I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made, expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program

It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland.

I lost my job because I spent everyday looking for that girl that got kidnapped at Walmart.

But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.

IMPORTANT NOTE:

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will crap on you today at 7:00 PM.
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Mon Aug 23, 2004 2:07 pm

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...'"
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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musthavebeenmykarma
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Postby musthavebeenmykarma » Wed Aug 25, 2004 3:11 pm

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question
asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant
I hope I'm a punk-rocking zombie when I die-





Or at least a headbanging one.



I have a Tumblr now! Thomas Caldwell Novels



or leave a message on my blogspot: Thomas Caldwell Novels
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Postby floo232 » Fri Aug 27, 2004 8:14 pm

Now, this is a thread I can really stumble over.
The Wordmaster. "You'll never get to the bottom of him." (all writers are wordmasters)
"From Childhood's hour I have not been as others were
I have not seen as others saw
I could not bring my passions from a common spring.
Edgar Allen Poe

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