Old Humor #3

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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Fri Jul 23, 2004 11:30 am

A senior citizen driving on the freeway, got a call from his wife on the cellphone.
"Herman, I heard on the news...there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Be careful!!"
"Hell," he answered, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Delaney
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Postby Delaney » Fri Jul 23, 2004 4:10 pm

musthavebeenmykarma wrote:This one's an aquired taste... Someone told it to me, and I was rolling on the floor laughing.


A duck and a turtle are sitting in a bathtub. The turtle turns to the duck and says, "Will you pass me the soap?" and the duck turns to the turtle and says, "What do you think I am, a lampshade?"

I'm sorry, just reading it makes me start laughing again..


I don't get it.
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Fri Jul 23, 2004 4:13 pm

Sorry, me neither! I guess we haven't acquired the taste yet.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Fri Jul 23, 2004 4:43 pm

Yeah, afraid my tastebuds must be outta whack too (or is that quack ;o)
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to
gnaw through the leather straps.
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Sossity
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Postby Sossity » Fri Jul 23, 2004 4:57 pm

Maybe we are all O.K. and Mudge is the one with wacked tastebuds. I didn't get either.
There's no limit on happy memories. Make some more!
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Fri Jul 23, 2004 5:01 pm

This is my day for senior citizen jokes (but I'm allowed, being up in that area myself.)

At the retirement center, 80 year old Bessie bursts into the rec room holding up her clenched fist.
"Whoever guesses what's in my hand gets to have sex with me tonight."
One old gentleman ventured a guess. "An elephant?"
Bessie thought a minute, then replied, "Close enough!"
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Sossity
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Postby Sossity » Fri Jul 23, 2004 5:06 pm

Nobody Believes Old People....

Everyone thinks old people are senile. An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary.


They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."


On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it, so they take it home. There, she counts the money
and it's fifty thousand dollars.

The husband says. "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers," and she puts the money back into the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, the FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here".



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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Fri Jul 23, 2004 6:20 pm

I like that one! Here's another:

Two elderly women were in a large car. Both could hardly see over the dashboard. At a red light, they sailed right through.
The one in the passenger seat said to herself, "I must be losing it Icould swear we went thru a red lignt."
At the next red light, they sailed thru again. The passenger was getting nervous. Finally when they ran the third red light, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred you're running all the red lights. You're going to get us killed."
Mildred exclaimed, "Crap, am I driving?"
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Sossity
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Postby Sossity » Fri Jul 23, 2004 7:34 pm

:lol: :lol: Here's another one.


A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office in Winter Haven, Florida.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man asked, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row.

The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare."
There's no limit on happy memories. Make some more!
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Fri Jul 23, 2004 8:02 pm

Love it!
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby Ran » Sun Jul 25, 2004 4:33 pm

Chalk one up for the Old Guys!

A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said.

The jeweler looked through his stock, and took out a lovely ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand, I want something very unique" he said.

At that, the jeweler went to get his special stock from the safe.

"Here's a stunning ring at just $40,000."

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check, but of course you will want to make sure everything is in order at the bank, so I'll write the check and you can phone the bank tomorrow. I'll pick up the ring on Monday."

Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phoned the man. " You old fart, you lied... there's no money in that account."

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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musthavebeenmykarma
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Postby musthavebeenmykarma » Sun Jul 25, 2004 8:26 pm

BWAH-hahahahahahahahahahaha!
Thanks Mudge, welcome to the club :D Ever see Invader Zim? (best show ever, just got the first season on DVD, it's awesome) I love that kind of humor... Whats really fun is to tell that joke to a bunch of people and see who laughs. Only someone just told me that it's a mongoose and a frog.

I'm not one for senior citizen jokes, but...

A boy was taking a test one day in school. The test was on economics, and this was his least favorite subject. He looked at the first question, and thought, but couldn't remember the answer. He got around to doodling on the test and wrote "squig" on the answer sheet... it sounded cool. He guessed his way through the rest of the test.

The class ended and he turned it into the teacher. The teacher looked at the first answer and screamed bloody murder. "WHAT IS THAT??" she yelled. The boy answered, "I was bored." The teacher screamed some more, "GO TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE NOW!!"

The boy went on to the principal's office. "Now what are you here for?" he asked. The boy showed him the test. "WHAT IS THAT??" he screamed, "GET OUT OF THIS SCHOOL! YOU'RE SUSPENDED INDEFINATELY!"

The boy went home, and his mother was waiting for him. "What did you do to get kicked out of school?" She asked. The boy showed her the test. "WHAT IS THAT??" She hollered, "GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE! YOU'RE DISOWNED!"

The boy got lost in the city, and eventually ended up at the mayor's house, a poor deserted urchin. The mayor saw the boy and asked him, "What are you doing without a home?" The boy said nothing, and handed him the test. "WHAT IS THAT??" he shrieked, "GET OUT OF THIS TOWN... THIS STATE NOW!!"

The boy wandered around outside of the white-house, (he used to live in PA, it was the logical place to go) when the president of the united states found him. "Come inside before the snipers get you," he offered. The boy gladly accepted and went inside. "Now what are you doing so far from home?" he asked around a big fireplace, after the boy had gotten a nice cup of coacoa, the boy said nothing, already beaten down by life, and handed the paper to the president. "HOLY GOD, WHAT IS THAT???" he roared, "GET OUT OF THIS COUNTRY!"

The boy was going overseas to england, when the captain spotted him looking around in bewilderment. "What's wrong boy?" he asked, amiably. The boy said, "I've been kicked out of school, out of my home, out of the state, and out of the country!" The captain began to back away subconsiously. "What for?" he asked suspisiously. The boy, tearstricken, handed him the test. "GREAT POSEIDEN, WHAT IS THAT??" he howled, "OH LORD, TAKE ME NOW!" The Lord sent a thunderbolt and destroyed the boat. The moral of the story is, always wear a lifejacket.
I hope I'm a punk-rocking zombie when I die-


Or at least a headbanging one.

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Delaney
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Postby Delaney » Sun Jul 25, 2004 8:36 pm

Duuurrr??? I'm so lost on this thread :? I must have no sense of humor, because I never get any of the jokes.
Or maybe you're all just twisted...
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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CycoMerlin14
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Postby CycoMerlin14 » Sun Jul 25, 2004 8:38 pm

I don't get it. :-s
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musthavebeenmykarma
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Postby musthavebeenmykarma » Sun Jul 25, 2004 9:07 pm

... I thought that one was easy to understand... I think I'm just twisted. On second thought, I know.
I hope I'm a punk-rocking zombie when I die-





Or at least a headbanging one.



I have a Tumblr now! Thomas Caldwell Novels



or leave a message on my blogspot: Thomas Caldwell Novels
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royal_blueyes
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Postby royal_blueyes » Sun Jul 25, 2004 9:11 pm

Rules For Writers

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)

6. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Don't use no double negatives.

12. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out or mispeld something.

13. Eschew obfuscation.
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CycoMerlin14
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Postby CycoMerlin14 » Sun Jul 25, 2004 9:21 pm

royal_blueyes wrote:Rules For Writers

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

10. No sentence fragments.



Those two are now accepted in professional writing. I see it in just about every book I pick up. Of course, though, its best use is done sparingly, sometimes to add emphasis. But generally it's accepted. People just skip formality and go straight for the actual message in the writing.
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Postby charlesp » Sun Jul 25, 2004 9:32 pm

one of the classes on writing at the conference actually advocated using sentence fragments for "internal dialogue" as we rarely think in complete sentences.

CharlesP

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Ran
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Postby Ran » Mon Jul 26, 2004 1:11 pm

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.......The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.





"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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musthavebeenmykarma
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Postby musthavebeenmykarma » Mon Jul 26, 2004 1:20 pm

Some of the greatest blunders in grammer history:

"To boldly go where no man has gone before"

"I ain't got no satisfaction"

and of course...

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way--in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only."
I hope I'm a punk-rocking zombie when I die-





Or at least a headbanging one.



I have a Tumblr now! Thomas Caldwell Novels



or leave a message on my blogspot: Thomas Caldwell Novels
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Mon Jul 26, 2004 4:06 pm

Alright, I'm pulling out the big guns for Delaney and CycoMerlin. I promise you'll get this one. It's from my file "The crem de la crem". I"ve got tears rollin' down my cheeks already ;o)



Please help little Billy Evans.

My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body.

It doesn't hurt,except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance.

I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad. I hope you will help me.

You can help me if you forward this letter to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know too.

Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL
and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over
America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better.

Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors.The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball.

Right now I can only be third base. Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more
prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true. Please help me. Mommy is so sad,
and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.

If you don't forward this , that's okay. Mommy says that's because you're a mean and heartless
piece of feces who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, horrible death and then burn forever in hell. What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freakin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?

Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body.

I wish that very much.

Thank You,
Billy "Smiles" Evans
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Mon Jul 26, 2004 5:23 pm

Oh, Ran, you are a sicko today! :o
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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CycoMerlin14
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Postby CycoMerlin14 » Mon Jul 26, 2004 8:43 pm

Haha.

But slightly disturbing. :|
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Tue Jul 27, 2004 7:59 am

;o) Some mornings it just isn't worth it to gnaw through the leather straps ;o)
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Delaney
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Postby Delaney » Tue Jul 27, 2004 11:00 am

Okay, I would hate to disapoint you by telling you that I don't really get it...
um... yeah, I get it. Sure I do. Um... he he, ha ha. *Sigh* Sorry I don't get it *sheepish look* He has no body? what the he**? All I don't understand is the point of the joke. Did i miss a punchline?
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>

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