Old Humor #3

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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Fri Aug 27, 2004 8:58 pm

Watch out for the trip wires!
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Delaney
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Postby Delaney » Fri Aug 27, 2004 8:59 pm

LOL I get it Ran! I get it!
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Wed Sep 01, 2004 3:03 pm

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His
son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing? "

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.

When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to
deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.

The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but
also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:


"Watch out for these jerks. They have come to steal your land."
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to
gnaw through the leather straps.
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Debangel
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Postby Debangel » Tue Sep 07, 2004 9:30 am

Just got this in my email and hope there are some who haven't read it yet.

10 Ways to tell if a Redneck has been working on a Computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
I'm sloooooooow like a turtle so don't hold onto your hat for it won't fall off.

Because the love that is in us is greater than the hate that is in the world, then no weapon formed against us can prosper.
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Tue Sep 07, 2004 2:09 pm

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other
except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all their years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time he should
know what was in the box.

When he opened it he found 2 crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were married,"
she said," my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep
quiet and crochet a doily.

The little old man was so moved: he had to fight back tears. Only 2 precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him 2 times in all
those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey", he said, " that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, " that's the money from the doilies I sold."

A prayer:
I pray for wisdom to understand my man,
Love to forgive him,
And patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for strength,
I'll beat him to death.
Amen
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Debangel
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Postby Debangel » Tue Sep 07, 2004 2:17 pm

I liked the joke but expecially the prayer. Ain't it the tr :wink: uth
I'm sloooooooow like a turtle so don't hold onto your hat for it won't fall off.



Because the love that is in us is greater than the hate that is in the world, then no weapon formed against us can prosper.
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Delaney
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Postby Delaney » Wed Sep 08, 2004 2:10 pm

I heard the same joke only it was with eggs.
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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royal_blueyes
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Postby royal_blueyes » Wed Sep 08, 2004 2:43 pm

The little old man was so moved: he had to fight back tears. Only 2 precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him 2 times in all
those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.


I got to this part and could hear D saying "men are dense" for some reason lol. Guess i was right to assume lol
<i>Some five syllables
Another seven go here
Finish with five more</i>
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Debangel
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Postby Debangel » Wed Sep 08, 2004 6:54 pm

I thought this one was really funny and hope there are some who haven't yet heard it.

Microsoft in Detroit?

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" and also noted the following consequences of GM imitating Microsoft:


1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
I'm sloooooooow like a turtle so don't hold onto your hat for it won't fall off.



Because the love that is in us is greater than the hate that is in the world, then no weapon formed against us can prosper.
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Thu Sep 09, 2004 12:24 pm

A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening, the road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away leaving him sitting by the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and went to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.

As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."

The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood.

"Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's the problem, young man? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"It's just unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse you say...... was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher "because the black horse don't know doodley-squat about cars!"
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Sossity
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Postby Sossity » Thu Sep 09, 2004 1:10 pm

:lol: :rofl:
There's no limit on happy memories. Make some more!
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Erin Lemley
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Postby Erin Lemley » Mon Sep 13, 2004 9:48 pm

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park:
* the Death Slide,
* the Wall of Fear,
* the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,
* every thing there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her Head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. :puke:

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving Husband ordered her :
* a Happy Meal
* with extra fries
* and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the movies:
* the latest Star Wars epic,
* a hot dog,
* popcorn,
* all the Coke she could drink,
* and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you flippin tulip!" :x
Fasten your seatbelts. It makes it harder for the aliens to zap you from your car!
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Sossity
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Postby Sossity » Fri Sep 17, 2004 8:28 am

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so he did the same tricks over and over again.

One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything about it.
It was, after all the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:

"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"
There's no limit on happy memories. Make some more!
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Fri Sep 17, 2004 12:16 pm

Most people don't know that in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment
scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the nex port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The people of Mexico eagerly awaited the first delivery and were very upset at the news of the sinking, so much that they declared national day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as:






Wait for it...you know it's coming....








Sinko de Mayo.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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pengwenn
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Postby pengwenn » Fri Sep 17, 2004 12:49 pm

hee-hee :lol: :rofl:
Is this my reality or yours?
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Erin Lemley
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Postby Erin Lemley » Fri Sep 17, 2004 1:32 pm

holy quacamole!!!!! that was funny!!!!
Fasten your seatbelts. It makes it harder for the aliens to zap you from your car!

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