Old Humor #3

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Anblick
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Old Humor #3

Postby Anblick » Thu Jul 08, 2004 10:28 pm

Warning Labels

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may mack you tink you can tipe real gode.
Last edited by Anblick on Tue Feb 21, 2006 8:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Anblick » Mon Jul 12, 2004 10:58 am

A senior citizen view of the Bush administration.


I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration I had
an extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and
had vacation homes.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change
for the worse. I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi
War.
I lost my home. I lost my health insurance. As a matter of fact, I lost
everything and became homeless.

Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an
animal,
instead of helping me, they arrested me.

I will do anything to insure President Bush's defeat in the next
election.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is
back in the White House come next year. Bush has to go.

I just thought you would like to know how one senior citizen views the
Bush Administration.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.


Sincerely,
Sadaam Hussein
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Postby Ran » Thu Jul 15, 2004 2:56 pm

An eight year girl is trying to check out a book entitled "Advice for Young Mothers" from the local library.

Librarian: Now why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?

Little girl: I collect moths.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to
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Postby Zuggy » Thu Jul 15, 2004 3:37 pm

Here's a good clinton political joke for you:

There's a new bumper sticker that says "Run Hillary Run" that both democrats and republicans like

Democrats like it their back bumper.

Republicans like it on their front bumper.
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Postby Ran » Fri Jul 16, 2004 10:42 am

WORLD'S THINNEST BOOKS

18. FRENCH WAR HEROES - by Jacques Chirac

17. HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY - by Jane Fonda

16. MY BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno

15. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS - by Dan Marino

14. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by Hillary Clinton

13. MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE - by Osama Bin Laden

12. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD - by Bill Gates

11. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman

10. MY WILD YEARS - by Al Gore

9. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

7. MULE SHOE, TEXAS: a Travel Guide

6. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES - by Dr. J. Kevorkian

5. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

4. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen de Generes

3. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - a collaboration by O. J. Simpson & Scott Peterson

1. MY MORALS AND ETHICS - by Bill Clinton, contributions and introduction by The Reverend Jesse Jackson
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Postby Mlou » Fri Jul 16, 2004 12:29 pm

I'm going to ask my librarian to stock these!
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby Sossity » Fri Jul 16, 2004 1:30 pm

Reading all those in one sitting should kill about 5 minutes (I'm a slow reader).
There's no limit on happy memories. Make some more!
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Postby Zuggy » Fri Jul 16, 2004 2:17 pm

I'm sure Bill Clinton has a lot of morals and ethics.

Compared to a pimp. Wait, maybe not. Nevermind
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Postby musthavebeenmykarma » Fri Jul 16, 2004 10:22 pm

There is hope for dumb blondes <g> -

A very wealthy lawyer gets into a cab. "Main street." he tells the cab driver, who grunts in acknowledgement. Soon after this, the cab driver picks up a woman, who is a blonde. She gets in and sits next to the Lawyer. There is an awkward silence before the cab driver asks her, "Where are you goin' missy?"
"Main... something or other..."
"Street?"
"Yeah! that's it!" She promptly falls asleep.
The lawyer grins to himself and thinks, she's an idiot. I could make a few bucks off of her. He turns and wakes her up. "How would you like to play a game?" he asks.
"No, I just want to sleep." she replies.
"Oh come on. I'll ask you a question, and If it stumps you, you give me 5$. If you stump me, I'll give you 5$."
"No, I only want to sleep." she says again.
"OK," he says, frustrated, "How about if you stump me, I'll give you 100$, but you only have to give me 5."
This grabs her attention. "Alright."
The laywer asks her, "What is the capital of Congo?"
"Oh... that's that movie... I don't know." she replies, and hands him 5$.
"Brazzaville. Now it's your turn," the lawyer says, grinning.
Without thinking, the woman says "What is a hugerious creabum?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment, then gets out his laptop, asks all of his associates, checks the words in 35 different languages including latin, cross references it, sends it to his best codebreakers, but comes up empty with each try. Baffled, the lawyer hands her 100$. She goes back to sleep.
The lawyer, unable to believe this, wakes her up. "What is it?" he asks impatiantly.
She hands him 5$ and goes back to sleep.
I hope I'm a punk-rocking zombie when I die-


Or at least a headbanging one.

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Postby Ran » Mon Jul 19, 2004 7:53 am

If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say:










"Red is positive"








"Black is negative"
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Postby Delaney » Mon Jul 19, 2004 11:54 am

Hmmm... not funny, that one.
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby TheMudge » Mon Jul 19, 2004 11:56 am

I thought it was . . . maybe it's a guy thing . . .
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi

"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge

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Postby Delaney » Mon Jul 19, 2004 11:59 am

Must be...*sigh* I never understood guys :)
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby royal_blueyes » Mon Jul 19, 2004 12:14 pm

No, I dint think it was funny either...

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"

"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."
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Postby musthavebeenmykarma » Wed Jul 21, 2004 4:38 pm

This one's an aquired taste... Someone told it to me, and I was rolling on the floor laughing.


A duck and a turtle are sitting in a bathtub. The turtle turns to the duck and says, "Will you pass me the soap?" and the duck turns to the turtle and says, "What do you think I am, a lampshade?"

I'm sorry, just reading it makes me start laughing again..
I hope I'm a punk-rocking zombie when I die-





Or at least a headbanging one.



I have a Tumblr now! Thomas Caldwell Novels



or leave a message on my blogspot: Thomas Caldwell Novels
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Postby TheMudge » Wed Jul 21, 2004 5:42 pm

BWAH-hahahahahahahahahahaha!
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi


"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge



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Postby Mlou » Wed Jul 21, 2004 8:47 pm

There is something definitely weird about the humor around here today. :o But what do I know?
Ya think I'm a lampshade or something?
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby Sossity » Wed Jul 21, 2004 9:12 pm

The moon is waning, the wierd come out now. It is when its waxing the strange come out. Notice how Hiss only comes out in full force when we are waxing.
There's no limit on happy memories. Make some more!
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Postby Ran » Thu Jul 22, 2004 10:53 am

R-RATED

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

:) means a smile

:( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by
:-) and :-( respectively.

Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass
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Postby TheMudge » Thu Jul 22, 2004 11:17 am

Ran . . . you have too much time on your hands . . .
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi


"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge



www.joyfulcurmudgeon.com

www.imaginationtogo.com

www.wowwebnow.com
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Postby Mlou » Thu Jul 22, 2004 12:13 pm

On, his hands? Oh.
I thought maybe on his assicons.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Thu Jul 22, 2004 12:48 pm

Character ASSassnation won't help ya.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Postby Tommy Hall » Thu Jul 22, 2004 1:13 pm

I found a little,just a little humor in his post
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Delaney
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Postby Delaney » Thu Jul 22, 2004 9:54 pm

I thought that was amusing... it's always nice to learn to communicate in new ways.
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby Erin Lemley » Fri Jul 23, 2004 12:06 am

tee hee!!
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