Old Humor #4

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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Fri Feb 11, 2005 5:57 pm

Talking dog

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and sees a handsome Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But, the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in on their conversations. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now, I'm just retired."


The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars", says the owner. The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him for so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Fri Feb 11, 2005 6:00 pm

UNCLE Mike~

((((RING))))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Mike "

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Mike "

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming! Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Mike ?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause**

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?"... Is this 486 -5731 ???
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charlesp
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Postby charlesp » Fri Feb 11, 2005 6:04 pm

OK that one was pretty good... though you seem to be purging the archives here or something.

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C Clarke
"Coffee is sufficiently advanced technology" - Merlin Mann
One day I realized that sadness is just another word for not enough coffee." - Wally (Dilbert)
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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Fri Feb 11, 2005 6:40 pm

Catching up on e-mail at work...
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JillStar
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Postby JillStar » Fri Feb 11, 2005 8:55 pm

Image
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Quicksilver Wolf
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Postby Quicksilver Wolf » Sat Feb 12, 2005 2:26 am

Bahahahahaha! Classic!
I like stupid people. They're like cupcakes, only stupid.

~ Darklord DM (I think)
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Postby JillStar » Fri Feb 25, 2005 10:02 pm

A little more retirement advice...



INVESTING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT:

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron,you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan
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mslover
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Postby mslover » Fri Feb 25, 2005 11:41 pm

I'm investing in that! lol

"Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories - we've already missed the spring"

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
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Postby Quicksilver Wolf » Sat Feb 26, 2005 2:30 am

Oh yeah, definately.
I like stupid people. They're like cupcakes, only stupid.



~ Darklord DM (I think)
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JillStar
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Postby JillStar » Tue Apr 19, 2005 7:50 pm

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
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Quicksilver Wolf
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Postby Quicksilver Wolf » Wed Apr 20, 2005 6:31 am

No, NOT only in America! In Austrlia too! Well, except for 8. and 10. Although I'm not sure about the cigs one (I rarely go to the chemist, but I don't think they sell em there anyway). Hotdogs here come in packs of 6 buns and 10 sausages. We don't even have drive-up ATMs. But apart from those couple, we're just the same.

So, it's only in Americanised countries.
I like stupid people. They're like cupcakes, only stupid.



~ Darklord DM (I think)
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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Wed Apr 20, 2005 2:27 pm

Well, most hot dogs are now 8 and 8 now, except a few brands. This list is a few years old. As for the ATMs, they don't manufacture the walk-up and drive up ones separately, it's merely how they install them, hence the braille.
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Postby JillStar » Wed Apr 20, 2005 3:29 pm

I think #7 is the funniest . . . and one of the most true. :)
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Postby ghostposts » Thu Apr 28, 2005 1:25 am

I got this off a spam letter.

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the side of the tube?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?

If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
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Postby JillStar » Thu Apr 28, 2005 10:27 am

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

:shock:
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Postby JillStar » Wed Jun 15, 2005 11:46 pm

Okay... this was sent to me via email and it's a blonde joke that ends up being a "man" joke... don't shoot the messenger, but I found it a little humorous.

***

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table when avery attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice & yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up & down and squealed, "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers &then picked up her winnings & her clothes & quickly left.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

***

:roll: Okay... I guess it wasn't THAT funny. :)
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mslover
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Postby mslover » Thu Jun 16, 2005 11:35 am

Are you kidding me? That was hilarious! Men! :lol:

"Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories - we've already missed the spring"

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
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Postby funkywriter3 » Thu Jun 16, 2005 11:43 am

That was pretty funny.
" The purpose of a writer is to keep civilization from destroying itself."- Albert Camus

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Postby JillStar » Thu Jun 16, 2005 11:58 am

Too bad I don't have the courage (or stupidity) to try this little act... of course, I'm not blonde, but I'm sure red-heads are more fun anyway. :wink:
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Postby funkywriter3 » Thu Jun 16, 2005 12:18 pm

Wait blondes are fun. :D
" The purpose of a writer is to keep civilization from destroying itself."- Albert Camus



"Writers will happen in the best of families."

-Rita Mae Brown



" Do not ask a poet to explain himself, he cannot." - Plato
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Postby Mlou » Thu Jun 16, 2005 2:30 pm

Good one, Jill! :D My husband liked it too! Men are men...good thing they can laugh at themselves!
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby JillStar » Sun Jun 19, 2005 3:29 pm

Very true Mlou...


***


Curtain Rods


She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, and even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home............................including the curtain rods!!

I JUST LOVE HAPPY ENDINGS, DON'T YOU??????
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Sun Jun 19, 2005 5:57 pm

I LOVE IT!!!!!
Ah, the glory of a much deserved revenge!
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby Quicksilver Wolf » Mon Jun 20, 2005 4:10 am

*sniff* Beautiful...
I like stupid people. They're like cupcakes, only stupid.



~ Darklord DM (I think)

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