Old Humor #4

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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Tue Jan 11, 2005 4:39 pm

Smart Cat
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that S.O.B. on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
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musthavebeenmykarma
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Postby musthavebeenmykarma » Wed Jan 26, 2005 9:14 am

:rofl: I haven't been here in far too long... "Thoughts for 2004" was hilarious.
I hope I'm a punk-rocking zombie when I die-


Or at least a headbanging one.

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Postby Nephtalius » Wed Feb 02, 2005 4:12 pm

This web page plays a cute cartoon about a cow. I thought it was funny, anyway.

(WARNING: This might be offensive and is not ment for small children: Rated PG-13 at the least, probably more like R)
Ethics are so annoying. I avoid them on principle. -- Bucky in the Get Fuzzy comic strip.
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Quicksilver Wolf
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Postby Quicksilver Wolf » Wed Feb 02, 2005 5:24 pm

Okay, that was sick...
I like stupid people. They're like cupcakes, only stupid.

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TheMudge
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Postby TheMudge » Wed Feb 02, 2005 9:30 pm

OK, that was funny--but if yer gonna post that stuff, make sure you pointed out that it's rated R.

And, uh . . . was that an udder or tentacles . . . ?
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi

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Quicksilver Wolf
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Postby Quicksilver Wolf » Thu Feb 03, 2005 2:40 am

Eww, tentacles! I hate Hentai!
I like stupid people. They're like cupcakes, only stupid.



~ Darklord DM (I think)
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Postby charlesp » Sun Feb 06, 2005 11:41 pm

http://www.budweiser.com/wardrobe_malfunction.html OK... for those who missed the commercial bud pulled... it explains the wardrobe malfunctin of LAST superbowl (and I missed the ones that DID run cause I don't watch football).

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C Clarke
"Coffee is sufficiently advanced technology" - Merlin Mann
One day I realized that sadness is just another word for not enough coffee." - Wally (Dilbert)
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Delaney
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Postby Delaney » Sun Feb 06, 2005 11:45 pm

I don't get it...
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby Quicksilver Wolf » Mon Feb 07, 2005 3:09 am

You see, it's really that Janet Jackson incident where Justin Timberlake grabbed a hold of her, and the part over her boob came off. Is that what the big deal with the Superbowl was? I didn't watch it, see.
I like stupid people. They're like cupcakes, only stupid.



~ Darklord DM (I think)
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Delaney
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Postby Delaney » Mon Feb 07, 2005 11:08 am

I guess I couldn't really see the commercial clearly over the internet... AOL sucks...
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Tue Feb 08, 2005 8:50 am

If a man is standing alone in the middle of a forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him........









is he still wrong?
:roll:
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Postby hyperfine » Tue Feb 08, 2005 3:55 pm

Ran wrote:If a man is standing alone in the middle of a forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him........









is he still wrong?
:roll:


Yes. There's just no one to correct him.
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Postby Quicksilver Wolf » Tue Feb 08, 2005 6:07 pm

Yeah, SURE...



Satan's demons wake him up, and he tells them "Shut up, I'm trying to sleep!"

The demons are confused: they don't know whether to respect their king's authority, or to respect the inherant authority of their vow: never to respect authority.

What do they do?
I like stupid people. They're like cupcakes, only stupid.



~ Darklord DM (I think)
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Delaney
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Postby Delaney » Wed Feb 09, 2005 11:06 am

Och... the question I face every day... :wink:
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Thu Feb 10, 2005 1:24 pm

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
dead?
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Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is
not enough?
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Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
check when you say the paint is wet?
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Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
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Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
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Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
revolver at him?
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Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
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Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
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What is the speed of darkness?
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If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
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If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold will it be?
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If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

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If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing
here?
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Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
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If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a
hostage situation
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Can you cry under water?
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What level of importance must a person have , before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
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If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases ?
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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby"
when babies wake up, like, every two hours?
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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?
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Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the
cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're still going to see you naked
anyway.
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Postby charlesp » Thu Feb 10, 2005 8:43 pm

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not
try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men
are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old Aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the
same thing to them at funerals.

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C Clarke
"Coffee is sufficiently advanced technology" - Merlin Mann
One day I realized that sadness is just another word for not enough coffee." - Wally (Dilbert)
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Postby luminosity » Thu Feb 10, 2005 10:51 pm

:clap:
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.--Elbert Hubbard
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hyperfine
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Postby hyperfine » Fri Feb 11, 2005 12:20 am

charlesp wrote:A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.


So, if I were to get married, I could stop worrying about the future?

Hmmmm..... if only this scheme didn't involve getting married...... :wink:
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Delaney
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Postby Delaney » Fri Feb 11, 2005 12:21 am

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


I resent that...
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Quicksilver Wolf
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Postby Quicksilver Wolf » Fri Feb 11, 2005 7:49 am

Yeah, but it happens the most with the dumb. Explains today's average IQ.
I like stupid people. They're like cupcakes, only stupid.



~ Darklord DM (I think)
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Nephtalius
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Postby Nephtalius » Fri Feb 11, 2005 3:35 pm

Anblick wrote: If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?


They're going to try again. They didn't get it right the first time.
Ethics are so annoying. I avoid them on principle. -- Bucky in the Get Fuzzy comic strip.
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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Fri Feb 11, 2005 3:43 pm

Words Women Use

Fine!
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you
need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes
to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be
on your toes Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A
"Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting
her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding
how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is
thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of
the room slowly.
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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Fri Feb 11, 2005 5:36 pm

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest.

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. Two friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...[Oh, man, how bad is this one?!!]...a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did!
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Postby charlesp » Fri Feb 11, 2005 5:50 pm

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

This is the one pun joke I REALLY like... thus further proving how much of a geek I really am :yimnerd:

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C Clarke
"Coffee is sufficiently advanced technology" - Merlin Mann
One day I realized that sadness is just another word for not enough coffee." - Wally (Dilbert)
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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Fri Feb 11, 2005 5:52 pm

9 Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at f irst light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

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