Old Humor #4

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Erin Lemley
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Postby Erin Lemley » Sun Nov 14, 2004 5:56 pm

It's like a buffet of one liners that could get you fired....if only. I have been careful to turn down the internal monlogue in my head for fear one of these might pop out when I least supsect.

I shouldn't gripe; I love my job most of the time, but lately things are a changin' and not for the better. Anything is better than unemployment.
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Postby Mlou » Sun Nov 14, 2004 11:43 pm

Those were great comebacks, Erin! Too bad I didn't have some of them in my working days. Probably just as well. Like you, I wanted to keep my job! *chortle*
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


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Postby luminosity » Mon Nov 15, 2004 12:31 am

My husband might not like that I read this when we're working together for the next month... :twisted:
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Postby Erin Lemley » Fri Dec 03, 2004 6:56 pm

I thought this was pretty funny! :lol:

15 things a man can do at Wal-Mart -- while his wife is taking her sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts
when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in
Housewares' . . and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department -- and tell other shoppers you're sleeping over; invite them in if they bring pillows from the
Bedding Department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask:
Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9.Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick
your nose.

10. While handling guns in the Hunting Department, ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme
from "Mission Impossible."

12. In the Auto Department, practice your "Madonna look" using
different sized funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack . . and when people browse through, say: PICK
ME !! PICK ME!!!!!

14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while . . .
then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"
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Postby Hissmonster » Fri Dec 03, 2004 10:50 pm

this is totally twisted but I like it..

and your walmarts have a "hunting/gun" department..??

Here in beantown they don't trust us with the nerf toys..hence they are suspiciously missing as well..
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Postby JillStar » Mon Dec 06, 2004 10:09 am

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.
Fast Fiction Friday Blog 2011-2018: Additional FFF Prompts
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Hissmonster
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Postby Hissmonster » Mon Dec 06, 2004 7:50 pm

Reminds me of that soap commercial

"you're not as clean as you thought you were."
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Postby charlesp » Mon Dec 06, 2004 7:54 pm

Hissmonster wrote:Reminds me of that soap commercial

"you're not as clean as you thought you were."


yeah... I'm pretty sure it's an urban legend... but it's one that janitors are using by re-enacting it for the desired effect :D

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C Clarke
"Coffee is sufficiently advanced technology" - Merlin Mann
One day I realized that sadness is just another word for not enough coffee." - Wally (Dilbert)
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Postby Hissmonster » Mon Dec 06, 2004 7:56 pm

I heard an odd thing today..which tickled my funny bone...Seems there is a woman auctioning off her father's ghost on EBay...


How does the purchaser know when the product has arrived?
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Postby Quicksilver Wolf » Tue Dec 07, 2004 5:26 am

The lipstick one:

BEAUTIFUL!


The ghost-auctioner:


Get a life.
I like stupid people. They're like cupcakes, only stupid.

~ Darklord DM (I think)
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Hissmonster
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Postby Hissmonster » Wed Dec 08, 2004 12:16 am

Get a life...snort :lol:

That's funny...

is that an after-life 8)
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Postby Mlou » Wed Dec 08, 2004 1:20 pm

There's a new idiocy conceived every moment!
(Why didn't I think of that? It's a sure moneymaker...somewhere.)
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby Hissmonster » Wed Dec 08, 2004 9:50 pm

I just want to meet the fool that is willing to buy it..talk about the "emporer's (sp?) new clothes" :lol:
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Postby Anblick » Wed Dec 08, 2004 10:08 pm

From what I understand about that story, she's doing it because her kid is bothered by it, and if she "sells" it, maybe her kid will relax.
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Hissmonster
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Postby Hissmonster » Wed Dec 08, 2004 10:10 pm

ok nice thought..I guess, but tell me just how is this suppose to work..

I mean is she now going to say.."Sorry dad, we sold you to a guy in Wisconsin..time to move on?"
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Postby Anblick » Wed Dec 08, 2004 10:12 pm

I think it's more, look [child's name], we sold the ghost. You can sleep now.
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Postby Mlou » Sat Dec 11, 2004 4:10 pm

Just ran across a corny old joke suitable for the writing life.
Jerry: Did you know I've taken up writing as a career?
Molly: Wonderful! Have you sold anything yet?
Jerry: Yes, my watch, my TV and my car.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby Hissmonster » Sun Dec 12, 2004 2:00 am

:lol: sounds about right
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Postby Anblick » Thu Dec 16, 2004 12:24 pm

The lizard

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?”

The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!”

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”

The Monkey looks down and says “DUUUUUDE....... how much water did you drink?”
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Postby charlesp » Thu Dec 16, 2004 1:06 pm

:rofl: thanks Anblick... that made my day (or at least the next few minutes)

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C Clarke
"Coffee is sufficiently advanced technology" - Merlin Mann
One day I realized that sadness is just another word for not enough coffee." - Wally (Dilbert)
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Postby Mlou » Thu Dec 16, 2004 1:30 pm

Good one, blick!
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby Hissmonster » Thu Dec 16, 2004 10:44 pm

he, he, he...I have a few friends that could be that monkey..
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Postby Anblick » Wed Dec 22, 2004 12:36 pm

YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN...
* Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
* You prefer to grind coffee beans in your mouth.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
* You can jump-start your car without cables.
* Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
* You don't sweat, you percolate.
* You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
* Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.
* You're so wired you pick up FM radio.
* Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
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Postby Anblick » Wed Jan 05, 2005 10:12 pm

Thoughts for 2004:

12. Life is sexually transmitted.

11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

8. Some people are like Slinkies.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

3. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR 2004: Many terrorists come to America legally and hang around on expired visas (some for as long as 10-15 years). Now take Blockbuster, for example. You're two days late with a video rental and those people are all over you...I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of our immigration.
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Postby Quicksilver Wolf » Thu Jan 06, 2005 8:13 am

Anblick wrote:Thoughts for 2004:

12. Life is sexually transmitted.

11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

8. Some people are like Slinkies.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

3. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR 2004: Many terrorists come to America legally and hang around on expired visas (some for as long as 10-15 years). Now take Blockbuster, for example. You're two days late with a video rental and those people are all over you...I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of our immigration.
Oh hell yeah!
I like stupid people. They're like cupcakes, only stupid.



~ Darklord DM (I think)

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