Old Humor #4

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Ran
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Old Humor #4

Postby Ran » Fri Sep 17, 2004 2:45 pm

To all my friends, thanks to you sending me all those chain e-mails last year:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

* I smell like a goat since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and the middle of the Amazon Jungle.

* I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogen's they contain may turn me gay.

* I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers from fast food chains because the animals they come from are nothing other than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds and Kentucky Fried Chicken can sell Big Macs and Extra Crispy unidentifiable chicken parts.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

* I have no social life because I quit going to parties or talking to women no matter how hot they are, for fear that she will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. Funny about that girl, she's been 7 since 1993...

* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program.

* My Ericcson phone never arrived and neither did the passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.

* But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain that I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.

IMPORTANT NOTE:
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will crap on your nose today at 7:13pm and you will go blind from the splatter of the acid in it's feces because of the contaminated asteroid particles that the bird ingested from the genetically altered grain that it ate last year in New York.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to
gnaw through the leather straps.
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Postby charlesp » Fri Sep 17, 2004 3:07 pm

:yimlol: I like that one Ran... think I've read it before but it's STILL good.

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C Clarke
"Coffee is sufficiently advanced technology" - Merlin Mann
One day I realized that sadness is just another word for not enough coffee." - Wally (Dilbert)
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Fri Sep 17, 2004 7:03 pm

Olympic Report:

Not everyone knows that the Olympics had a "Special Guest" on the last day.

John Kerry arrived in Athens - but was only able to spend about 40 minutes at the games.

However - he did come away with 6 Medals.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Postby Mlou » Sat Sep 18, 2004 11:08 am

Go for it, Ran!
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby floo232 » Sat Sep 18, 2004 8:54 pm

Bush came too, but someone lost the records and said he wasn't there. There was some talk of forged documents, but I'd Rather not know.
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I have not seen as others saw
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Postby April » Sat Sep 18, 2004 9:39 pm

Oh my, somehow I've never read this thread before....I'm working my way backwards through it and laughing my head off......Thanks, I needed it.
-April
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Thu Sep 30, 2004 8:27 am

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way
Instructions on how to clean your toilet


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Postby Anblick » Fri Oct 01, 2004 12:10 pm

Why Men Are Just Happier People...

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

No "monthly problems."

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You do not get upset if the toilet seat is left up.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is
just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000, Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

Passing gas is usually a form of entertainment.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood -- all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack.

You don't have to reach around your back to hook straps together.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife or teeth.

You can do Christmas shopping for 24 relatives on December 24 in 24 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!


FEMALE PRAYER:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to how big is my behind.
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.


MALE PRAYER:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. Amen.
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Postby Sossity » Tue Oct 05, 2004 9:01 am

READ SLOWLY -- THESE ARE RATHER CLEVER:

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook who leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.

10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.

12. PARADOX: Two physicians.

13. PARASITES:! What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.

There, you've been enlightened!
There's no limit on happy memories. Make some more!
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Postby Ran » Tue Oct 05, 2004 9:36 am

GRANDMA--TENDER INNOCENCE

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I
bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling
something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that
meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of
the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Postby Ran » Sun Oct 10, 2004 12:52 pm

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one
day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake.

Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."

As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their
clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied,

"I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Postby Ran » Mon Oct 11, 2004 10:42 am

Subject: Who am I?

John Kerry meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Kerry frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles.

"Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential choice the same question.

"John. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says John Edwards. "Let me get back to you on that one." Edwards goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Edwards shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Edwards smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Edwards goes back to speak with Kerry. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily yells into his
face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

WE SHOULD ALL BE CEASLESSLY PRAYING FOR THE ELECTIONS THIS YEAR!!!!!!
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Postby Erin Lemley » Mon Oct 11, 2004 8:12 pm

Why did the Siamese twins go to London?








So the other one could drive!



Sorry, it's sophomoric...but I cracked up whe I read it in Reader's Digest!
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Postby musthavebeenmykarma » Tue Oct 12, 2004 8:09 am

Did anyone hear that they brought Moses back from the dead?

It's true, he was walking around Washington, visiting the White House, and seeing how far we had come in terms of government. Bush happened to see him walking the grounds and called in his secret service men.

"See that guy out there? That's Moses, I want to talk with him." said Bush

"Right away sir." The secret service man went out into the garden and said to Moses, "The president of the United states would like a word with you, if you have the time."

"Oh no, I will not talk to him." said Moses.

The secret service man walked back to Bush and said, "He won't come."

"I really want to talk to him, try again."

The secret service man once again went out and asked him to come into the white house and talk to the president.

"No, I will not talk to him."

"But, this is the president of the united states, George Bush!"

"Exactly. Last time I talked to a Bush on fire, I ended up wandering the deserts for fourty days and fourty nights."
I hope I'm a punk-rocking zombie when I die-


Or at least a headbanging one.

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Ran
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Postby Ran » Tue Oct 12, 2004 10:38 am

FROM MY 'GROANER' FILE ;o)




Do you know what you get when a Smurf relieves itself
on your lawn?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Bluegrass
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to

gnaw through the leather straps.
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Postby Mlou » Tue Oct 12, 2004 10:45 am

Groooaaannn! :lol:
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby Erin Lemley » Tue Oct 12, 2004 11:32 pm

groan and moan!!!!


A burglar breaks into a house and makes his way upstairs to find the owners in bed watching tv with the covers just below their chins. They'd heard the noises downstairs but were too scared to move.

The burglar aims his gun at the woman and says"I need to know your name before I can shoot you!"

The frightened woman asnwers,"E-ELizabeth"

"Well this is your lucky night, because I can't shoot anyone named Elizabeth, as it is my dearly departed mother's name."

He points the gun over to the man and says"What's yours!"

The terrified man answers, "H-H Harry, but everyone c-calls m-me Elizabeth!"


HEE HEE HEE!!!
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Postby Anblick » Wed Oct 13, 2004 4:39 pm

Pennant Fever

A Boston Red Sox fan, a Chicago Cubs fan and an NY Yankees fan were all in Saudi Arabia performing military duty for the US Army.

While off base, they were caught sharing a smuggled case of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they were sentenced to death!

With the help of good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, a benevolent Sheik decided that they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik said, “It’s my 1st wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each one of you one wish before your whipping”.

The cubs fan was 1st in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, “Please tie a pillow to my back.”

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The cubs fan was carried away bleeding and crying.

The Yankees fan was up next (he almost finished an entire 5th by himself), and after watching the scene, said “OK please fix 2 pillows to my back.” But even 2 pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Yankee fan crying like a baby.

The Red Sox fan was the last up ( he had finished off the crate- given his allegiance, who could blame him), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said “you support the greatest baseball team in the world, your supporters are the best and most loyal fans in all the world.

For this you may have 2 wishes”

“Thanks, your most royal highness’” the Red Sox fan replied.

“In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes”.

“Not only are you an honorable, powerful man, you are also very brave,” said the Sheik. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?” the Shiek asks..

To which the Red Sox fan replied... “Tie the Yankee fan to my back."
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Postby pengwenn » Wed Oct 13, 2004 4:58 pm

:rofl: :rock: GO BOSTON!!!
Is this my reality or yours?
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Postby Erin Lemley » Wed Oct 13, 2004 11:56 pm

Okay Mudge...I will concede it is easier to be male, but I concede only so far! Because men have to deal with women!


To impress a woman:

Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her.
Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage
her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop
with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love
letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.


To impress a man: Show up naked. Bring a case of beer. Don't block the TV!
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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Wed Nov 03, 2004 1:45 pm

Best Blonde Joke Of The Year So Far

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.” The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

“Here it is,” she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.
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Postby pengwenn » Wed Nov 03, 2004 1:49 pm

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

I am so glad I grew out of being blond (at the age of 3).
Is this my reality or yours?
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Postby charlesp » Wed Nov 03, 2004 4:21 pm

not even a joke... but found this comic today...
Image

http://www.comics.com/comics/ben/archiv ... 41103.html

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C Clarke
"Coffee is sufficiently advanced technology" - Merlin Mann
One day I realized that sadness is just another word for not enough coffee." - Wally (Dilbert)
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Postby Erin Lemley » Sat Nov 13, 2004 12:44 pm

Here's something that was sent to me after a fiendish day at work. Friends have a sixth sense about these things. I am sure it has gone around the internet a few times. I know I have seen it once before.

Things You'd Love To Say Out Loud at Work

1. I can see yourpoint, but I still think you're full of **it.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my
way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry baby whiney-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder...my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Oh, I get it....like humor... but different.


:lol:
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Quicksilver Wolf
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Postby Quicksilver Wolf » Sat Nov 13, 2004 11:07 pm

That'd be about right.
I like stupid people. They're like cupcakes, only stupid.

~ Darklord DM (I think)

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