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TheMudge
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Postby TheMudge » Sat Dec 02, 2006 1:51 pm

You realize that those are not jokes, right?
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi

"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge

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Postby Mlou » Sun Dec 03, 2006 7:50 pm

I haven't visited this thread in a while...as you can tell by the fact that I'm just now enjoying the Halloween cartoons. Hilarious! I loved Peter Peter and the baby Ruth one. Okay, so I'm sick, sick!
And the Bulwer Lytton contest is always a howl, especially the one about Andre creep, Andre creep.
As for living in 2,000...*sigh*...I'm worse than any of you. #2-3-5-10-11-15 all hit the target.
And FINALLY it made me miss the old Punmeister RAN! Wish he'd drop in once in a while.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


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Postby Anblick » Wed Dec 27, 2006 10:04 pm

Mr. and Mrs. Jon Doe are retired. Mrs. Doe insists that he go with her to Walmart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Doe loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from her local store.

Dear Mrs. Doe,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Doe are listed below.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3” in housewares.. and watched what happened.

5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.

11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least ...

15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
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Postby timberline » Thu Jan 04, 2007 10:14 am

Lovin' it, Anblick. If I can bump the store theme forward....

 An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."
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Postby Delaney » Sun Jan 07, 2007 11:01 am

:rofl: I bet Mark would like one of those...
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Mon Jun 18, 2007 6:54 pm

The REDHEAD
```````````````````````````````
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No , "she replies. . . . "



She says:





"You just happened to catch my eye ."
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Postby JillStar » Wed Jun 20, 2007 9:33 pm

*groan*

:D
Fast Fiction Friday Blog 2011-2018: Additional FFF Prompts
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Postby Tyler Anderson » Sat Jun 23, 2007 10:04 pm

Ok, here's one.

Three friends are walking in the woods. They all three see a pair of tracks. One friend says, "Look, rabbit tracks!" The second friend says, "No, no, those are deer tracks." However, the third friend says, "No, your both wrong, they are bear tracks." Seconds later, they all get hit by a train.
"Why don't I ever listen to me?"
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TheMudge
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Postby TheMudge » Mon Jun 25, 2007 8:46 am

Ooooooooohhh . . .
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi


"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge



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Postby mslover » Mon Jun 25, 2007 2:59 pm

wow - and yep, wow... :shock:

"Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories - we've already missed the spring"

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Wed Aug 29, 2007 10:14 pm

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES:

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.....and then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side was cut off?
Well!!! He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his
work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell into wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The geology professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky
ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count
that votes.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Thos! e who g et too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.
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Postby pengwenn » Thu Aug 30, 2007 11:09 am

:roll: and did I mention :roll:
Is this my reality or yours?
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Postby bfsooner » Thu Aug 30, 2007 1:21 pm

I'm gonna to have to second Pengy's :roll:
Rebecca

"The name's Kaknockers...Vod Kaknockers." ~~ Jake, Two and Half Men
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Postby timberline » Thu Aug 30, 2007 1:51 pm

Reminds me of Mlou's private investigator character in Gingerbread Man.

Oh, and the other day I asked my doctor, "Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice?'" He answered, "I don't know. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?"
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Postby pengwenn » Thu Aug 30, 2007 2:07 pm

timber here's a :roll: for you too.
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Daniel
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Postby Daniel » Thu Aug 30, 2007 6:35 pm

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Indeed, I have had panic attacks twice because of that.
"I think that in order to understand other people's suffering and distress one must have, among other things, a great imagination."

YOU ARE TO ME WHAT YOU CHOSE TO BE.
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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Thu Aug 30, 2007 7:38 pm

pengwenn wrote::roll: and did I mention :roll:


C'mon, doesn't it make you nostalgic for Ran?
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Postby timberline » Sun Sep 30, 2007 4:07 pm

Okay you literary types, I saw this and laughed till the coffee came out my nose. These are the Little Golden Books that never got published....
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
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Postby mslover » Mon Oct 01, 2007 2:50 pm

omg - so glad i wasn't drinking anything... wouldn't have been pretty!

"Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories - we've already missed the spring"

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
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Postby musthavebeenmykarma » Thu Oct 25, 2007 9:49 am

Sounds like something Edward Gory would have written...

Anblick wrote:If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.


Man, I have to remember some of those... that one is fantastic.
I hope I'm a punk-rocking zombie when I die-


Or at least a headbanging one.

I have a Tumblr now! Thomas Caldwell Novels

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Postby timberline » Thu Mar 06, 2008 5:41 pm

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 pm. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River .

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
 Cruising the Green of Second Avenue is available at Barnes & Noble and other online book sellers. More good stuff at http://allotropiclucubrations.blogspot.com
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Postby pengwenn » Fri Mar 07, 2008 10:39 am

:rofl: funny
Is this my reality or yours?
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Postby charlesp » Fri Mar 07, 2008 11:14 am

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River .
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.


I'm sure it's a bad sign, but I can see ways these could really work in a story. To be sure the style would be a bit slapstick, but still.

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C Clarke
"Coffee is sufficiently advanced technology" - Merlin Mann
One day I realized that sadness is just another word for not enough coffee." - Wally (Dilbert)
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pengwenn
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Postby pengwenn » Fri Mar 07, 2008 12:05 pm

Maybe we could use a couple of them in a challenge. :-D
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Postby timberline » Fri Mar 07, 2008 12:06 pm

I'm already adapting them. ("They called her Horse. She was as tall as a horse, a five-foot-nine horse.")
 Cruising the Green of Second Avenue is available at Barnes & Noble and other online book sellers. More good stuff at http://allotropiclucubrations.blogspot.com

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