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TheMudge
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Postby TheMudge » Sun Mar 05, 2006 10:36 am

And well you should be, my young padewan . . .
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi

"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge

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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Sun Mar 05, 2006 1:59 pm

Good one, Ran! :-D
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Ran
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Postby Ran » Sun Mar 05, 2006 6:48 pm

Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of
falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the
ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to
wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all
the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to
women to stomp the juice out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.

:roll:
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to
gnaw through the leather straps.
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musthavebeenmykarma
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Postby musthavebeenmykarma » Fri Mar 17, 2006 10:17 am

Now Men... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to
women to stomp the juice out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.

hehehe

:-D
I hope I'm a punk-rocking zombie when I die-


Or at least a headbanging one.

I have a Tumblr now! Thomas Caldwell Novels

or leave a message on my blogspot: Thomas Caldwell Novels
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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Wed Mar 22, 2006 3:21 pm

This is a list of 10 winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, aka "Dark and Stormy Night Contest" (run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad (but possibly VERY funny) novel.

10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."

9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."

8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"

6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."

5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."

4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."

3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

AND THE WINNER ....

1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, misbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!"
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Postby Anblick » Mon Jun 05, 2006 4:15 am

Short essay

The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:

Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.
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Postby Anblick » Mon Jun 05, 2006 4:18 am

The clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup." replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch this," the drunk replied.

He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "YOU JERK......IT'S THREE-FIFTEEN IN THE MORNING!!!"
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Postby pengwenn » Mon Jun 05, 2006 10:58 am

Oh, that hits way too close to home.
Is this my reality or yours?
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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Tue Jun 06, 2006 7:27 pm

Robin Williams' Plan

You gotta love Robin Williams...... Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan."

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ole boys", we will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave.We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers
or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else(like Canada ! or Oklahoma!). They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way , no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "
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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Tue Aug 15, 2006 9:10 am

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.: )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
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bfsooner
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Postby bfsooner » Tue Aug 15, 2006 12:05 pm

True...cute, but true :)
Rebecca

"The name's Kaknockers...Vod Kaknockers." ~~ Jake, Two and Half Men
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Postby xcheck24 » Tue Aug 15, 2006 12:17 pm

i have done 4, 6 and 8
Behind the Press
There's always a bloody ghost.
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charlesp
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Postby charlesp » Tue Aug 15, 2006 12:22 pm

4,5, 10 for me...

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C Clarke
"Coffee is sufficiently advanced technology" - Merlin Mann
One day I realized that sadness is just another word for not enough coffee." - Wally (Dilbert)
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musthavebeenmykarma
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Postby musthavebeenmykarma » Sat Aug 19, 2006 10:12 am

Huh... I must not be living in 2006...? Only number 3 for me.
I hope I'm a punk-rocking zombie when I die-





Or at least a headbanging one.



I have a Tumblr now! Thomas Caldwell Novels



or leave a message on my blogspot: Thomas Caldwell Novels
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charlesp
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Postby charlesp » Mon Aug 21, 2006 10:13 am

from the fantastic "overhead in the office" site ( www.overheardintheoffice.com ).

Boss: Call England and find out what time it is.
Assistant: Call who in England? England is 5 hours ahead of us, so it's 4:17 there.
Boss: Can you please listen to what I have to say and just call England? I need to be sure.
Assistant, two minutes later: I called England, and it's 4:19.
Boss: See, it pays to double check. You were 2 minutes off.

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C Clarke
"Coffee is sufficiently advanced technology" - Merlin Mann
One day I realized that sadness is just another word for not enough coffee." - Wally (Dilbert)
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bfsooner
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Postby bfsooner » Mon Aug 21, 2006 2:01 pm

hee...hee...stupid bosses
Rebecca



"The name's Kaknockers...Vod Kaknockers." ~~ Jake, Two and Half Men
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cherbo86
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Postby cherbo86 » Mon Aug 21, 2006 4:12 pm

A wealthy Texas landowner had a coming out party for his daughter. All of the eligible bachelors from the area were at the party. The wealthy Landowner said:

"You see this swimming pool? I had it filled for just this occasion.”
The pool was filled with poisonous snakes, crocodiles, and alligators.

“To the young man who can jump in the pool and swim the length, I will let him have his choice of either,
My best 100 acres of land-

My best hundred head of cattle

Or my daughters hand in marriage.”

Well the words were no sooner out of the mans mouth when there was a splash at one end of the pool followed by an almost instantaneous emergence at the other end of the pool.

The man rushed over to the boy and said,

“Wow, that was some fast swimming! You must’ve set a world’s record. Now what would you like, my best 100 acres of land?”
The boy said “No, sir.”
The man said, “Do you want my best 100 head of cattle?”
And the boy replied, “No sir,”
“Well then son, I must assume that you want my daughter’s hand in marriage, as you know when I die she is my only heir and will inherit all of this?”
The boy said, “No sir,”
The man said, “Well son what do you want?”
The boy said,
“I want the name of the dude who pushed me into the pool.”
Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.
Arthur Schopenhauer

The road to hell is paved with adverbs.
Stephen King
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charlesp
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Postby charlesp » Mon Aug 28, 2006 1:49 pm

From OverHeardInTheOffice.com


Trainer: In America, when our kids don't finish their meals we tell them that there are starving kids in Africa. What do you tell them?

Clients from Kenya: [Silence]

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C Clarke
"Coffee is sufficiently advanced technology" - Merlin Mann
One day I realized that sadness is just another word for not enough coffee." - Wally (Dilbert)
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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Thu Oct 26, 2006 1:31 pm

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image
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bfsooner
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Postby bfsooner » Thu Oct 26, 2006 1:41 pm

Those are pretty good. I like the "black sheet" one.
Rebecca



"The name's Kaknockers...Vod Kaknockers." ~~ Jake, Two and Half Men
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pengwenn
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Postby pengwenn » Thu Oct 26, 2006 5:42 pm

Peter Peter was my favorite (even if it took me a little bit to figure it out).
Is this my reality or yours?
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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Thu Oct 26, 2006 6:11 pm

My money says CP's favorite is the same as mine...
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charlesp
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Postby charlesp » Thu Nov 02, 2006 7:45 am


"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C Clarke
"Coffee is sufficiently advanced technology" - Merlin Mann
One day I realized that sadness is just another word for not enough coffee." - Wally (Dilbert)
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pengwenn
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Postby pengwenn » Thu Nov 02, 2006 1:59 pm

:rofl:
Is this my reality or yours?
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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Sat Dec 02, 2006 1:45 pm

THEN... AND NOW...


SCENARIO: JACK PULLS INTO SCHOOL PARKING LOT WITH RIFLE IN GUN RACK.
1963 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.


SCENARIO: JOHNNY AND MARK GET INTO A FIST FIGHT AFTER SCHOOL.
1963 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.


SCENARIO: LITTLE JEFFREY WON'T BE STILL IN CLASS, DISRUPTS OTHER STUDENTS.
1963 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.


SCENARIO: BILLY BREAKS A WINDOW IN HIS FATHER'S CAR AND HIS DAD GIVES HIM A WHIPPING.
1963 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.


SCENARIO: MARK GETS A HEADACHE AND TAKES SOME HEADACHE MEDICINE TO SCHOOL.
1963 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.


SCENARIO: MARY TURNS UP PREGNANT.
1963 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.
2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.


SCENARIO: PEDRO FAILS HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH.
1963: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by ultra-liberals. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.


SCENARIO: JOHNNY TAKES APART LEFTOVER FIRECRACKERS FROM THE 4TH OF JULY, PUTS THEM IN A MODEL AIRPLANE PAINT BOTTLE, BLOWS UP A RED ANT BED.
1963 - Ants die.
2006 - ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


SCENARIO: JOHNNY FALLS WHILE RUNNING DURING RECESS AND SCRAPES HIS KNEE. HE IS FOUND CRYING BY HIS TEACHER, MARY, WHO HUGS JOHNNY TO COMFORT HIM.
1963 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.

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