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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Tue Jul 12, 2005 11:14 am

Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato
garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son,
Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to
his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the
plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the
BODIES.

Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.

Love Vinnie
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Postby Anblick » Tue Jul 12, 2005 11:15 am

THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2004!

1. Crack Found on Governor's Daughter.

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.

4. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms!

5. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope.

7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.

8. Miners Refuse to Work after Death.

9. War Dims Hope for Peace.

10. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile.

11. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.

12. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge.

13. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.

14.Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.

15. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.

16. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.

17. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.

18. Police Chief says "when we find prostitutes on our streets, we stay on
top of them"
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Postby pengwenn » Tue Jul 12, 2005 11:31 am

:rofl:
Is this my reality or yours?
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Anblick
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Postby Anblick » Wed Sep 14, 2005 10:05 am

A DOCTOR WAS ADDRESSING A LARGE AUDIENCE IN TAMPA

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake."
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Postby Delaney » Wed Sep 14, 2005 10:45 am

Let's not let that one get to Blue, eh? :wink:
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby Anblick » Sat Nov 19, 2005 11:09 am

What is
Technical Harassment

In our complex technical environment there are many opportunities for a
competent technical individual to be the subject of technical harassment.
Sometimes it can be so subtle that you may not even be aware you are being
harassed. Worse yet, you may inadvertently technically harass another person
by accident.

Following are some guidelines to help you determine if you are being
technically harassed.

If you are repeatedly asked the same technical question you may be the
victim of technical harassment. While it is most common to be asked the
question repeatedly within the same conversation, some instances have been
identified of habitual technical harassment. Habitual technical harassment is
not uncommon and has been known to exhibit group tendencies where members of a
group may ask the same question repeatedly. Untreated, these instances of
group technical harassment can continue for years.

If you are asked a technical question by a non-technical person and they do
not write your answer down it is likely the question is frivolous. Most
non-technical people are not capable of remembering a true technical answer
for more than 30 seconds.

If you are forced into a discussion where a person uses more than three
(3) buzzwords in one sentence the person is most likely a fake and you are
the unwitting victim of technical harassment. One note of caution, competent
technical people have been known to inadvertently use buzzwords after reading
mindless drivel like PC Week or LAN Times. If the person has been known to use
more common technical terms in the past such as "stuff" and "things", they are
most likely victim of computer magazine brainwashing.

If during a troubleshooting session a person uses the term "trick". For
example "maybe we could trick the database into thinking it has been updated".
This is a sure sign of technical harassment.

If a person explains that a needed feature will be provided by a vendor and
that person is nontechnical then you are at risk of being technically harassed.
If you believe that person, you have definitely been technically harassed, if
you don't believe them you have only been technically annoyed.

If when trying to resolve a technical problem with a product from a vendor
and you are instructed to call the salesman that sold us the product you are
being set up for technical harassment. It is a common reaction for a
non-technical person when they have purchased technical equipment to call
another non-technical person. The dialogue between two nontechnical people
usually provides some sense of comfort that they aren't the only ones who
are confused.
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Postby JillStar » Tue Nov 29, 2005 6:53 pm

Since I have been a Washingtonian, Californian, Nevadan and now an Idahoan... this seemed fitting.

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Georgia and California.

Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Georgia started pulling peaches from her bag and throwing them out of the window.

"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.

"We have so many of these darn things in Georgia, I'm just sick of looking at them!"

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.

"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Idaho.

We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"

Inspired, the gal from Idaho opened the car door and pushed the Californian out.
Fast Fiction Friday Blog 2011-2018: Additional FFF Prompts
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Postby Anblick » Fri Feb 10, 2006 4:06 pm

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH
THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

(1) Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

(2) I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

(3) Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head.

(4) Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

(5) Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

(6) I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

(7) I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

(8) My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

(9) I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

(10) My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

(11) My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell".

(12) What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
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Postby musthavebeenmykarma » Fri Feb 17, 2006 6:36 pm

Anblick wrote:12. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge.


That has to be the funniest thing I've heard in years.
I hope I'm a punk-rocking zombie when I die-


Or at least a headbanging one.

I have a Tumblr now! Thomas Caldwell Novels

or leave a message on my blogspot: Thomas Caldwell Novels
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Postby Anblick » Tue Feb 21, 2006 8:08 pm

A riddle

On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"

"That`s easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he inquired.

"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."

When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child ?"

Blair replied, "That`s easy. The child was me."

"Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now."

So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"

Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a while?" "Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President.

As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"

"That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."

"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!"

So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"

"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush, "The child was Tony Blair!"
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Postby Anblick » Tue Feb 21, 2006 8:09 pm

IS THIS THE SHERRIFFS OFFICE??

Hello, is this the Sheriff's office?"

"Yes."

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Who says rednecks aren't real bright!)?
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Postby Anblick » Tue Feb 21, 2006 8:10 pm

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
I
cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our
Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids .they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
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Postby Anblick » Tue Feb 21, 2006 8:11 pm

Cyanide

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some Cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy - I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!

That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Postby Anblick » Tue Feb 21, 2006 8:13 pm

Stowaway

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the East River.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and
you'll keep me happy. Okay" The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she
have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained, " I get food and a trip to Hawaii, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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Postby musthavebeenmykarma » Wed Feb 22, 2006 10:30 am

Somebody get a bucket, Anblick's on fire! :shock:
I hope I'm a punk-rocking zombie when I die-





Or at least a headbanging one.



I have a Tumblr now! Thomas Caldwell Novels



or leave a message on my blogspot: Thomas Caldwell Novels
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Postby charlesp » Wed Feb 22, 2006 4:42 pm


"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C Clarke
"Coffee is sufficiently advanced technology" - Merlin Mann
One day I realized that sadness is just another word for not enough coffee." - Wally (Dilbert)
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Postby musthavebeenmykarma » Thu Feb 23, 2006 8:09 am

"I've got smiles to go before I sleep."

...I shouldn't have found that funny. But I find myself laughing. :-D
I hope I'm a punk-rocking zombie when I die-





Or at least a headbanging one.



I have a Tumblr now! Thomas Caldwell Novels



or leave a message on my blogspot: Thomas Caldwell Novels
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Postby JillStar » Thu Feb 23, 2006 8:32 am

Hee-hee... smilies! :-D And I get it cause I love that poem (and the movie it's in is kinda weird... telefon).

Anyway... interesting cartoon you have there Charles... but there have been times when I've read things where I thought "how is that possible?"
Fast Fiction Friday Blog 2011-2018: Additional FFF Prompts
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Postby Mlou » Mon Feb 27, 2006 5:04 pm

Good jokes, blick and great cartoon, Chas.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby Anblick » Tue Feb 28, 2006 9:13 pm

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
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Postby crazinasian » Tue Feb 28, 2006 9:24 pm

:rofl:
~If you can not explane it simply, then you do not know it well enough~
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Postby musthavebeenmykarma » Tue Feb 28, 2006 9:43 pm

:banghead:
I hope I'm a punk-rocking zombie when I die-





Or at least a headbanging one.



I have a Tumblr now! Thomas Caldwell Novels



or leave a message on my blogspot: Thomas Caldwell Novels
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Postby Ran » Thu Mar 02, 2006 12:27 am

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied: "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied: "6."

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, "What is it?"




The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."



...it's never too late to laugh out loud...Ran
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to
gnaw through the leather straps.
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Postby TheMudge » Thu Mar 02, 2006 8:29 am

Ah, the joys of marriage . . .
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi

"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge

www.joyfulcurmudgeon.com
www.imaginationtogo.com
www.wowwebnow.com
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Postby musthavebeenmykarma » Thu Mar 02, 2006 6:19 pm

You people on this website make me afraid of big commitments. <g>
I hope I'm a punk-rocking zombie when I die-





Or at least a headbanging one.



I have a Tumblr now! Thomas Caldwell Novels



or leave a message on my blogspot: Thomas Caldwell Novels

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