1st 2 stanzas of Possible Poem

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1st 2 stanzas of Possible Poem

Postby meme123 » Sat May 26, 2012 8:36 pm

Hello! I am new to wordtrip, but was on wordtrip jr. a few years back.
Here, I have the first 2 stanzas of a new poem I'm working on; unfortunately the old cogs have become a bit rusty, and I admit, I have been suffering from a recent spate of writer's block :)

This heart which strains upon my chest
A tight-coiled spring that seeks the free
It strums out a dirge, in mournful tone
And cries in silent agony

It dreams white Dreams, Oh pallid Dreams!
That spread, like feathered faerie-rings
And capture my very conscious mind
Ghostly forms on verdant green

Critiques are most welcome! I'm a bit unsure about the second line of the poem, myself...
Nice to meet you all!
-Meme :)
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Postby LizGrayson » Thu May 31, 2012 1:13 pm

Well I would probably change "upon" to "within" in the first line.

I'm not sure about the second line myself. If you don't mind my saying so, it seems to be the weakest overall. I would probably change it to "seeking freedom" but that throws off the rhyme scheme so I'm not sure how to change it. If I can think of something I will certainly let you know.

The boards seem to be dead around here, but there are a few of us who stop by now and then. Hope to see you around soon. :) Feel free to drop me a private message if you'd like.

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Postby Hissmonster » Mon Feb 18, 2013 8:33 pm

"Upon my chest". Sounds like it had been ripped out. The second line...what is the free in reference to?

The second stanza is where you get rolling! 8)
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