TIMEKEEPER - Crits and Comments, please

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mae
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TIMEKEEPER - Crits and Comments, please

Postby mae » Sun Sep 12, 2010 9:21 am

Dawn creeps into the room,
reaches under the covers
and tickles me awake.

With her golden smile
and rosy cheeks,
she is the laughing child of the day

Skipping through the morning,
she runs away from mid-day
who scowls at such shenanigans.

Noontime bids us sit a spell,
take a load off,
have a bite. He's buying.

But noon must rush off
and he leaves us with
mid-afternoon.

Is there anyone on the planet
more boring than mid-afternoon?
I need a nap!

Dinner strides in with a cool air.
Elegant, insouciant, sophisticated.
"A little black dress" time of day.

Relaxed now, we slide into the night.
We stroll, night and I, hand in hand,
counting the stars

until I fall asleep and wait. . .

for dawn to tickle me awake.
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.

Give me a crit! I can take it!

CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Sun Sep 12, 2010 12:57 pm

Well, another day, another dime! lol Nice take on getting through the day, mae. Sometimes they can fool you, the hours. Dawn can be grumpy and dinner may be a frazzled pizza! :)
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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JillStar
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Postby JillStar » Sun Sep 12, 2010 12:59 pm

Hi there Mae! I am enjoying your poem and I like how you've looked at the "day".

There's something about the stanzas I have below that dosen't seem to fit with the stanzas before... perhaps it's just the length of them or my current state of mind. :)

Noontime bids us sit a spell,
take a load off,
have a bite. He's buying.

It seems short and choppy in comparison to what came earlier. maybe "take a load off and have a bite, don't worry, he's buying" or fret? Or take a load off and relax, have a bite. He's buying. Just something to make it flow more... at least when I read it I'm chopping my way through. Honestly, could just be me. LOL


But noon must rush off
and he leaves us with
mid-afternoon.

This one is short as well... perhaps you were going for short stanzas at this point and I'm not following the flow well enough. I would say give us a hint of what he's leaving us with... the next stanza tells us he's boring but maybe hint to it here? leave us with _________ mid-afternoon. Something to tell us mid-afternoon is a downer.

Is there anyone on the planet
more boring than mid-afternoon?
I need a nap!

I need a nap... or perhaps rescuing?


Just a couple of my thoughts... :)
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mslover
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Postby mslover » Tue Sep 14, 2010 5:28 pm

are you a morning person by any chance because she wakes me up with a smack on the head!

"Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories - we've already missed the spring"

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
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JillStar
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Postby JillStar » Tue Sep 14, 2010 5:45 pm

I was thinking something similar... WHAM!!
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