Completely Incomplete (please hack and slash at will)

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Olsenpotter
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Completely Incomplete (please hack and slash at will)

Postby Olsenpotter » Sat Jul 31, 2010 12:03 am

I'm afraid of owning a bigger house.

I happen to like having a closet
so small your clothes tango with my clothes
and leave their soft scent on my stiff collars.

The tiny kitchen with one counter
lets my cooking meld with your cleaning,
("I wish you'd wipe up your own flour!")
and leaves no room for personal space.

All of it is taken up
with memories, thoughts, desires,
of you.

Our little house feels like a shield,
a hard candy shell that protects the
chocolaty-goodness of butt-bumps after a shower.

And I'd feel incomplete
if there were enough
room for you and me,

instead of us.
Last edited by Olsenpotter on Sun Aug 15, 2010 8:53 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Sat Jul 31, 2010 5:33 pm

I LOVE this, OP! Well done! I would not slash and hack a thing!
(Only if you are finicky about English usage, you could substitute "were" for "was", as "if", being speculative, usually calls for it.)
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


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JillStar
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Postby JillStar » Sun Aug 01, 2010 11:48 am

I like it!

The only linen that confused me was "now i have no personal space left". I thought at first you were talking about "now" being that you were in a bigger house and that confused me. Then I realized you were stating that "now" is you in the smaller house still thinking about not wanting that bigger house.

Oh... and I agree on English usage but then again... it is a poem. The "room for you and I" feels that it should be "you and me" but that may not sound right to you and it probably doesn't matter. :)

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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Sun Aug 01, 2010 12:52 pm

yup...correct usage is "you and me"...you wouldn't say "room for I", and the "for" applies to both. But it's a great poem, however you fill the closet... :D
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Olsenpotter
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Postby Olsenpotter » Mon Aug 02, 2010 6:57 pm

I know it should be me, but I think the I brings out the difference in "you and I" and "us". I had it as me at first, but I like the way it reads. Maybe I should change it to me.
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Postby JillStar » Mon Aug 02, 2010 10:45 pm

Leaving it at "I" works... it seems that "I" means something more than just "me". Does that makes sense? Even though it's not the proper English per college rules... :wink: ... it's fine when it comes to poetry and songs and other such writings. I say... leave it as it is. :)
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Olsenpotter
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Postby Olsenpotter » Sun Aug 08, 2010 10:27 pm

This is a devil of a poem. I can't decide if I like the last line of the third stanza. "leaves no room for personal space" sounds so stuffy. Not close, intimate, the way I want to poem to read. It's excluding, not including. The tone of the poem is suppose to be about closeness, about being surrounded by another person. That line is just off. I don't know what to do about it.

Any ideas?
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Postby mae » Mon Aug 09, 2010 10:05 am

Re: your grammar - You and me is correct and it sounds just fine. I didn't read it when it was you and I so I don't have that to compare it with. I like it the way it is now. What I do have a problem with is the first stanza. Your grammar is off there and it comes out all confused.

"my clothes tango with your clothes
and leave their soft scent "

What you've said here is that YOUR clothes leave their soft scent on HER clothes, not the other way around. The subject of your sentence is "my clothes" and "their" refers back to that. Just switch the my and your and it will be fine. But it brought me up short when I read it the first time - and, actually, every time after that. It's just wrong.

"The tiny kitchen with one counter
lets my cooking meld with your cleaning,
("I wish you'd wipe up your own flour!")
and leaves no room for personal space.

I have no personal space left. "


I don't find the last line of that stanza as excluding as I do the single line about having no personal space left. That line sounds rather like a complaint as if your personal space were all taken away from you. How about if you change that line to "My personal space is filled" or "I've filled my personal space." or something like that. That softens the complaint and transitions into how your personal space is all taken up with...etc.

And, Olsen, I absolutely LOVE the hard candy shell stanza. Chocolatey goodness of butt bumps after a shower - what a FABULOUS image!

This was a lovely idea for a poem. I'm a big house person, so the idea of the intimacy of a small house being lost in a bigger one has never occurred to me. Nicely done - after you fix that first stanza! :D

mae
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Give me a crit! I can take it!

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Olsenpotter
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Postby Olsenpotter » Sun Aug 15, 2010 8:55 am

OK I fixed it. I'm not messing with it anymore. I love it the way it is now. Thank you all for the help and encouragement, very poet should have a life-line as good as Wordtrip!

just one lingering question: is it chocolaty or chocolatey? My spell check says that the "e" is wrong, but without it looks odd.
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mae
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Postby mae » Sun Aug 15, 2010 10:42 am

Why don't we just say that with the "e" is the British spelling?

I like it now, also. A really great idea for a poem. I thought so when I first read it and I still do. Nice job.


mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing

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