You

Post your poetry, talk about well-known poets, work on your form, discus the unique difficulties of invoking a poetic muse, and more.

Moderator: Metaphor Makers

User avatar
JT
Wordtripper Extraordinaire
Posts: 606
Joined: Mon Aug 14, 2006 3:19 pm

You

Postby JT » Mon Jul 19, 2010 3:52 pm

I feel you in a world
blown by oceans
never still.
JT

Can't you hear the writing in the air? Ronnie James Dio (RIP)
User avatar
Mlou
Wordtrip Fixture
Posts: 16613
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2004 10:24 pm
Location: Vermont

Postby Mlou » Mon Jul 19, 2010 4:15 pm

Aha...the one liner? It has a lovely feel to it and I like the mental picture of the surging, never still oceans.
I posted Tues. challenges a day early But these were sort of by request, so you might like some of the past weeks better.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
User avatar
mslover
Wordtrip Grand Master
Posts: 3113
Joined: Wed Aug 04, 2004 4:28 pm
Location: wherever the wind blows
Contact:

Postby mslover » Mon Jul 19, 2010 11:35 pm

beautiful in its simplicity... very nice.

"Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories - we've already missed the spring"

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
User avatar
mae
Wordtrip Grand Master
Posts: 2492
Joined: Mon May 09, 2005 11:54 am
Location: Northwest corner of Washington state, snuggled up next to Canada

Postby mae » Wed Jul 21, 2010 2:12 pm

It is beautiful, JT, but...do oceans blow? Maybe rocked?

mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.

Give me a crit! I can take it!

CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
User avatar
Mlou
Wordtrip Fixture
Posts: 16613
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2004 10:24 pm
Location: Vermont

Postby Mlou » Wed Jul 21, 2010 2:33 pm

Spume blows. I can picture it in my mind, waves whipped up and spume blowing away in great sheets. Granted the wind blows it, but for poetic license, restless waves blown away in spume is more dramatic than gently rocking ones...to me anyway. :)
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
User avatar
mae
Wordtrip Grand Master
Posts: 2492
Joined: Mon May 09, 2005 11:54 am
Location: Northwest corner of Washington state, snuggled up next to Canada

Postby mae » Wed Jul 21, 2010 3:13 pm

Well, spume may blow, but "ocean" isn't spume. And the ocean isn't always gentle, but it's never still. What blows your restless waves, mlou? Tha'a-a-a-at's right - the wind, not the spume or the ocean. I'm just sayin'....


mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
User avatar
Mlou
Wordtrip Fixture
Posts: 16613
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2004 10:24 pm
Location: Vermont

Postby Mlou » Wed Jul 21, 2010 3:59 pm

Yup...I did say that didn't I?[quote]
" Granted the wind blows it, but for poetic license, restless waves blown away in spume is more dramatic/quote]
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
User avatar
mslover
Wordtrip Grand Master
Posts: 3113
Joined: Wed Aug 04, 2004 4:28 pm
Location: wherever the wind blows
Contact:

Postby mslover » Wed Jul 21, 2010 4:06 pm

ewwww... spume??? personally i am not fond of that word - lacks fluidity and poetry.

i like jt's phrasing as is. but that's me... :D

"Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories - we've already missed the spring"

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
User avatar
JT
Wordtripper Extraordinaire
Posts: 606
Joined: Mon Aug 14, 2006 3:19 pm

Postby JT » Wed Jul 21, 2010 4:36 pm

mslover wrote:i like jt's phrasing as is.


Thanks. Me too. 8)

Here is some more of it to pick on. Pretty mushy, huh?

The look in your eyes reflects
dark and bright. I'm lost
in your warmth and depth
as the coming night
brings peace.

We wake and the air is soft,
making love for the first time.
I feel you in a world
blown by oceans
never still.

Our ghosts are carved in ancient ice
perfect, shaped by summer heat.
As glaciers collide,
heavens open

swallowing us in chasms of love
and forever desire awakens
whispers of your voice
in the wind.
Last edited by JT on Wed Jul 21, 2010 6:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
JT



Can't you hear the writing in the air? Ronnie James Dio (RIP)
User avatar
Mlou
Wordtrip Fixture
Posts: 16613
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2004 10:24 pm
Location: Vermont

Postby Mlou » Wed Jul 21, 2010 6:07 pm

Hey, Ms..it's not sputum, y'know. :) Just sea foam, light and frothy, blowing from the edges of waves.
I too like JT's phrasing. Now we get the whole poem. Tres remantic, JT. Watch for a love poem contest and post it. Those contests fill up really fast and close whenever the sponsor wants, so get some in there. :)
Nope not mushy...love is allowed to be a little flowery. I don't know why, but when I have a choice between awakes and awakens (last parag.) I always choose the latter. And for your first use of awake, I'd probably use wake. No concrete reason, just how it sounds to that old inner ear.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
User avatar
JT
Wordtripper Extraordinaire
Posts: 606
Joined: Mon Aug 14, 2006 3:19 pm

Postby JT » Wed Jul 21, 2010 6:48 pm

Hey, thanks for cathing the two "awakes" - changes made.
JT



Can't you hear the writing in the air? Ronnie James Dio (RIP)
User avatar
mae
Wordtrip Grand Master
Posts: 2492
Joined: Mon May 09, 2005 11:54 am
Location: Northwest corner of Washington state, snuggled up next to Canada

Postby mae » Wed Jul 21, 2010 8:57 pm

Love = mushy, JT. I would only say to you what has often been said to me: try to use fresher language. Look for different ways of saying things. Examples: look in your eyes, lost in your warmth, air is soft, desire awakens. Now, there's nothing wrong with those phrases. It's just that they've all been used before, often (particularly air is soft). In love poems, fresh language is especially important and especially hard to find. And REALLY hard to come up with. Experience speaks here. :?

mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
User avatar
JT
Wordtripper Extraordinaire
Posts: 606
Joined: Mon Aug 14, 2006 3:19 pm

Postby JT » Thu Jul 22, 2010 12:50 pm

Ahhh . . nothing like the liberal use of cliches to make a love poem fluffy and mushy. Glad my goal was accomplished. Thanks, mlou and mae.
JT



Can't you hear the writing in the air? Ronnie James Dio (RIP)
User avatar
Mlou
Wordtrip Fixture
Posts: 16613
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2004 10:24 pm
Location: Vermont

Postby Mlou » Thu Jul 22, 2010 2:04 pm

JT...I like the line "our ghosts are carved in ancient ice". It would be a great opening for a poem on...our love has lived before... Rather than summer heat shaping them, (if they don't get much of that where glaciers are,) could they be shaped by winds of some kind, or shaped by whatever else is poetic and takes your fancy?
That's critique #1. :)
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
User avatar
JT
Wordtripper Extraordinaire
Posts: 606
Joined: Mon Aug 14, 2006 3:19 pm

Postby JT » Thu Jul 22, 2010 2:22 pm

I always thought that summertime thawing causes the surfaces of certain glaciers to melt, giving them features. But I also thought that oceans cause certain winds to blow. If I'm wrong, it just shows how much (little) I know about meteorology (sp?) and topography.
JT



Can't you hear the writing in the air? Ronnie James Dio (RIP)
User avatar
Mlou
Wordtrip Fixture
Posts: 16613
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2004 10:24 pm
Location: Vermont

Postby Mlou » Thu Jul 22, 2010 3:06 pm

Hey, what do I know about glaciers?? Just ruminating on how the "picture" hits me. If you go with that, is "summer's breath" more poetic...I suggests wind as well as heat. I know the glaciers "calve" from time to time, losing huge chunks. And I did like the blowing waves. I immediately thought of that famous Japanese painting of waves.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America

Return to “Pondering Poetry - Share poems, work on form, learn types of poetry”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests