Page 1 of 1

My First Bar Experience as a College Student PLEASE CRIT!

Posted: Mon May 18, 2009 3:05 am
by funkywriter3
Was a challenge now is something I want to work with and make better.

My First Bar Experience as a College Student

A rumbling engine goes
down the thread path of
blank stares as visitors approach.
An Open sign flickers against
the backdrop of a middle of
nowhere Alabama trail that
ends with the
p Zone.
Only it’s a little burning
bush of a bar, suspended in a
ghostly exorcism of nicotine.
And it shakes as drunken rednecks
attempt the bump and grind,
while teenagers pick off
half empty bottles of Bud Light
with their underage brands of Sharpie.
A cluster of liberal arts castaways
observe a biker, in his bandana
and Harley jacket do the nasty
with a blond chick, in
tight blue jean shorts:
p It like it’s hot.
A bar regular in his Zeppelin shirt
takes a swig at the flirting game
approaching the college students,
as a quiet woman wearing her
Cougar Pit camouflage shirt
watches her whiter than white
lover try to dance
like the stoned colored man.
She looks in the empty glass
wishing her husband would use words
to swoon her like a young flirtatious teen
and not
p his drink on her shirt.

Very Happy SMc

Posted: Mon May 18, 2009 10:57 am
by mslover
i really like it! the formatting with the DROP is intriguing and the story tells all without being overly verbose. Well done! :clap:

Posted: Mon May 18, 2009 12:10 pm
by mae
It's very interesting, funky. I can easily picture the scene. I do question some metaphors and word choices, however.
For example, why do you call it a "burning bush" of a place? I don't understand that reference as it is used here.

And, "...underage brands of Sharpie." Now, I'm probably showing my ignorance here, but isn't a Sharpie a felt tip marker? Are you trying to say markers for little kids - in a more poetic way, of course? If so, may I ask why? Teens use Sharpies. Again, I question this metaphor or word choice.

I think you have a typo here:

takes a swig at the flirting game

Shouldn't that be "swing"?

and one more:

wishing her husband would use words
to swoon her like a young flirtatious teen

"swoon" is another word for faint. Do you mean "woo," which is to court her or try to win her affection? Also, earlier in this same section, you say the woman is watching her lover, but here she's watching her husband. Are they the same man or is she cheating on her husband? That isn't clear to me.

I very much enjoyed the formatting of "drop" and how you fit it into each section. I also enjoyed the poem itself, with just a few little problems mentioned above. Good job.


Posted: Thu May 21, 2009 9:02 pm
by funkywriter3
I call it a burning bush of a bar because it is an allusion to the biblical burning bush. I wanted to create the contrast of a bar as a religious setting. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's what I was trying to create.

Their brands of Sharpie refers to the permanent markings on the teenagers hands that indicate they are underage.

I actually intended swig. I was going for the alcohol reference.
Right, I meant woo, but had a typo there.

To clarify the lover and the husband are the same person. I use different labels for him.

Posted: Fri May 22, 2009 4:06 am
by mae
Even with your explanation , or perhaps especially with it, I still question the use of these metaphors and word choices. I don't see how they fit - but then, that's just me.