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Recurring OCD: You (Crits PLEASE)

Posted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 5:44 am
by Tyler Anderson
On the window I
Knocked five times
Tapped
Three, dragged my finger
Across it
Once

I don’t have a problem
At least I didn’t use to
have one

Oh damn it, that’s not
What I meant
I…

I’m not crazy, it’s
Because of
You

I saw you walking
Down the hall
And

I cracked my fingers
Five times, and
Squeezed
My hand into a
Ball three times
And
Dug my fingers in
My palm only
Once

At home, away from
You, it is
A
Completely different
Story, I
Could

Just be watching T.V. and not even have to change the channels back and forth five times before I can start watching and I don’t have to take the battery pack out of the remote two times before I can finally relax and I don’t have to (and this is the best part) let out a single one minute long “BUMMM!” and I get all excited about that but when I actually see you anymore, or lately even THINK of you I am just three numbers

5
3
1

F I F T H
TH IR D
ONCE

It’s hard for you I
Imagine
Too
But for me I think
It’s much worse
Just
Because LOVE isn’t
Spelled with any
5’s
Or 3’s or 1’s, but
I'M HURT is
Spelled

53153
153
1

Posted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 6:40 pm
by mae
Tyler, I do believe you are THE most original writer I've ever read. I'm going to have to go through this one a few more times and then think on it a bit - but, my stars, it's original!

mae

Posted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 10:04 pm
by Mlou
I second the motion. :-D That was my first thought. Then I didn't quite know WHAT to say.

Posted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 10:10 pm
by mslover
hmmm...i enjoyed it - very interesting!

Re: Recurring OCD: You (Crits PLEASE)

Posted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 10:15 pm
by JT
Hey Tyler, I am no poet, at least not recently. So my words mean very little I believe. That said, you don't need the gimmicks at all. I like this and have read it about 5 or 6 times. I would do it your nine, but that is an unlucky number I have been told. (You do have eight in one place - the narrative.) Well, so what with numerology. Forgive me for suggesting the lucky seven, but I like yours pretty much as it is and, yes, you have no really bad cliches here and it is very original too. Very nice draft. Thanks for sharing your work. Forgive me, but I just had to play with this out of selfishness. These are in no way suggested changes. I just liked the draft very much and couldn't help but fool around. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to play around. Hope you don't mind. Good work again. Just get rid of the gimmicks is my only real crit.


I knocked on your window
from 50 miles away,
tapped once in my dream,
then dragged my finger
around your reflection
with one move.

I don’t have a problem,
at least not before.
Now I see you

through this window.
I'm not crazy,
but for you.

When I saw you walking
down the hall
I cracked my knuckles
four times and squeezed
my hand into a ball
two more,
digging into my palm
once.

Away from you,
I don't care --
I could

/Just be watching T.V. and not have to change the channel four times before watching or take the battery out of the remote two times before I relax and let out a long “BUMMM!” I get excited about that when I see you now and then. Then I am just three numbers: four, two and one./

Hard for you too
maybe.
Love is not numbers,
but I feel hurt
deep down all the way
from seven to one.

Posted: Wed Apr 01, 2009 5:27 am
by Tyler Anderson
Thanks everybody. Much appreciated.

JT, the rewrite is really interesting and I like it; the only thing is it takes away from the theme I was going for. I think it could stand out on it's own, and I like the way you changed it up, but the point of the poem was to show the whole 5 syllable 3 syllable 1 syllable count, because the narrator has pretty bad OCD. Personally, I've experienced this; and this particular pattern was a regularity for me. I broke it after a while (4's and 2's also gave me trouble), but I wanted to write something about it. Not trying to trash your rewrite, I actually really like it, but it just goes away from my purpose in writing it.

Posted: Wed Apr 01, 2009 10:03 am
by mae
I noticed that JT's version didn't have the countdown at the end, ending in the lonely 1.

But I don't think JT really meant it as a "rewrite", Tyler. I think your piece was more an inspiration for JT's own point of view.

mae

Posted: Wed Apr 01, 2009 10:45 am
by Tyler Anderson
Ah, I see. I did reply to that at 5 in the morning keep in mind. Apologies JT. I wasn't messing around when I said that I liked it though. You should do that to all my poetry. :)

Posted: Wed Apr 01, 2009 4:58 pm
by JT
Tyler,

I am sorry for being selfish. Mine was not a rewrite of yours. I have bad writer's block and I was attracted to your piece. I couldn't help but practice on it for me, but it still was meant as a tribute to your piece so I posted it. Then again, I should have looked at the title - OCD - and the syllable count. If I had done so I may not have added my only crit about gimmicks, which may have been unfair. I am very simple and love to cut words, wherever possible, which may be why I am a poor poet. Anyways, my post may have been improper. Looking forward to seeing more of your work, and just possibly I could be more helpful in the future with real crit.

Best,

Posted: Wed Apr 01, 2009 5:05 pm
by Mlou
Au contraire, JT, your post added depth to the whole subject matter and was a nice tribute to Tyler's originality. Isn't that how inspirations get started, by bouncing off another's thought process with one of your own?
And we could use a lot more input, whether crit or comment, on all our poetry threads. Would it be against your principles to peek in at the poetry challenge occasionally? Those who try the challenges just to get the wheels turning are encouraged by knowing that someone reads them.

Posted: Wed Apr 01, 2009 5:46 pm
by mae
And that's the truth!

mae

Posted: Wed Apr 01, 2009 7:16 pm
by JT
Thanks Mlou, but your first point is up to Tyler. I simply missed the OCD theme of his poem. On the second point, you already know how I feel about the challenges, but then again people can always change, hopefully anyways.

Jonathan

Posted: Wed Apr 01, 2009 8:05 pm
by Tyler Anderson
Ha, dude, it's just a misunderstanding. Feel free to practice on my other stuff too! Ha. I really did like the rewrite though. Mlou is right, bounce away man!

By the way, I don't think there is such a thing as a poor poet (don't hit me). Just a misunderstood one.

Posted: Wed Apr 01, 2009 8:51 pm
by JT
Thanks, Bud. I do like to take thoughts that strike me and change them up. The misunderstanding was mine alone, if there was one. And Mlou is (almost) always right. Turning to your poem, I also was inspired to replace my hideous death's head tatoo and partial mug on this site with just 1 eye, even though . . .

Best,

Posted: Thu Apr 02, 2009 10:42 am
by Mlou
Do you need an eye patch, JT? :D Or has someone blackened the other one? And if so, why? *sigh* I don't think I want to know.
Yeah, I know how you feel about challenges (but you could still give a hand or a crit to those who enjoy them). Life is enough of a challenge, is that it?

Posted: Thu Apr 02, 2009 4:48 pm
by JT
No, I haven't had a black eye in several years, so there is nothing to know. Life is a wonderful gift we have been given by our creator, even with al the challenges. I am sorry if I may have hurt your feelings. I said people can change. I was referring to the challenges. Jeez, I will try. But these posts are wholly off Tyler's thread. I don't have a problem with that, because sometimes this site goes that way. I just hope he doesn't have a problem either.

Peace,