Tragic Hero, Please Crit.

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J. Smith
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Tragic Hero, Please Crit.

Postby J. Smith » Tue Aug 05, 2008 10:03 pm

Here's a poem/song that i wrote. Please Critique



Tragic Hero



A loving father, husband, son
So reads my father’s grave
An act of war, of murder, hate
By the flag above that waves

The flag is striped with blood
It’s held by daughters’ tears
And from the stars flows sorrow
To anyone that hears


A tragic hero’s legacy
So reads my brother’s grave
Pointless death, my only friend
Slain by the flag that waves

The flag is striped with blood
It’s held by sisters’ tears
And from the stars flows sorrow
To anyone that hears


In life, he was a noble man
So reads my husband’s grave
He fought for me, he died for me
Died by the flag that waves

The flag is striped with blood
It’s held by spouses’ tears
And from the stars flows sorrow
To anyone that hears


So little years of happy life
So reads my child’s grave
The only thing that’s left to me
Killed by the flag that waves

The flag is striped with blood
It’s held by mothers’ tears
And from the stars flows sorrow
To anyone that hears

And it took my father’s blood
And it choked my brother’s fears
It robbed my husband’s sorrows
And stole my child’s years
It ignored a mother’s prayers
It caused a woman’s tears


So many lives it seized from me
So many loved one’s graves
So many men who gave their lives
Killed by the flag that waves
Killed by the flag that hates
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Wed Aug 06, 2008 9:22 am

Very eloquent, J. The refrains give it a feel much like song lyrics.
(Not sure I agree with the sentiment. It's PEOPLE who are full of hate, greed, anger and jealousy, not flags.)
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby J. Smith » Wed Aug 06, 2008 12:44 pm

First of all, Mlou, thank you very much for the comment. And I could not agree with you more about your statement. It is people that are so full of hate. I am simply writing this from the view point of a mother, sister, daughter, and wife who has lost everything that is dear to her. I was trying to express her grief and anger toward, not the flag itself, but what the flag represented to her, which is the death of her loved ones. I, myself, am not a parent, and, in fact, I am not even a woman. Anyway, the point I am trying to get across is that the flag represents all that she had and lost, and what she can never regain. Therefore, she sees the flag as a hateful symbol. Thanks again for the comment!


(Actually, this was originally written as a trio, expressing the viewpoints of 3 different individuals, showing what each of them thinks the flag represents. They are written in the viewpoints of this woman, a patriotic soldier, and a terrorist.)
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Postby Mlou » Wed Aug 06, 2008 1:00 pm

Oh, I understood your poem perfectly. And you did an excellent job on getting across the viewpoints. I just don't like to see the flag get a bad rap as, in the case of our flag anyway, it represents a response to hate, rather than a generator of same. It represents a people who are far from perfect but still harbor the desire to share freedom and prosperity with others. (But of course this is not the forum for political opinions. So I'll shut mah mouth. :-D )
Hope to see more posts from you, J. And please look into the weekly poetry challenges. We do have some fun with them.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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mae
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Postby mae » Wed Aug 06, 2008 3:22 pm

Your poem is very well-written, but I agree with mlou. It is a poem that is spilling over with grief and anger and, yes, hate itself, but those emotions are misplaced when they are aimed at the flag, which they are in this poem. If you are interested at all in critical review of your poem, I think those emotions could be properly directed by changing just one word. Instead of 'by' in the last line of your stanzas (slain by, killed by, etc.) use 'for'. Slain for the flag that wages; killed for the flag that waves, and so forth.

mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.

Give me a crit! I can take it!

CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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Postby J. Smith » Wed Aug 06, 2008 11:46 pm

I completely agree with you both. That is, from my own personal opinion. I do believe that this is the wrong way to look at war. I wholeheartedly believe that our American Flag stands for much more than death. It stands for the reason that these men and women died. That reason is freedom. Sorry...getting into politics and such Moving on.

I did not write this poem to express my personal viewpoints or to express what I think is right. Mae, you are correct. It is misplaced. But that is what I am aiming for. This woman is so grieved, in my vision, that she takes her anger out on, not the people who have caused this hate, but the flag itself. She sees the flag as the killer of the ones she loves. She does not understand exactly what these men were fighting for, and, for this reason, she aims her grief and anger at the flag.

So, what I'm trying to say, is that while I may agree with you, the narrator of this poem does not.

Thank you both for your comments and critiques. I really appreciate it. And feel free to respond to this post. I would love to discuss more and hear your thoughts. Thanks again!

(And please don't feel like I'm ignoring your critiques by disagreeing with them. I truly appreciate them and they are extremely helpful. They made me reevaluate why I wrote this poem like I did. I just don't think that they properly display the feelings of the narrator which I was trying to get across.) :-D
After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music. Aldous Huxley


It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets, 1999
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mae
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Postby mae » Thu Aug 07, 2008 3:35 am

Who is the narrator, exactly? If it's not you, who is your "character", for want of a better word. How do you know the feelings she's experiencing? I guess I'm just wondering why you wrote this to express someone else's opinion and who that someone else might be.

mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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J. Smith
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Postby J. Smith » Thu Aug 07, 2008 1:05 pm

If you look above at my earlier post, you'll see that I wrote this originally as a trio, to express the feelings of 3 different people. There are 2 other writings that I have stored away somewhere.

The first is this poem, from the viewpoint of someone who has lost everything to war and has turned all of her anger towards the flag and America.

The second is a soldier who is completely devoted to his country and feels it an honor to die for it. He would do anything to protect this country's freedom.

The third, finally, is in the viewpoint of a terrorist. He despises America and everything it stands for. Obviously this characters beliefs are not my own either. I simply wrote these from 3 opposing viewpoints.

I hope I explained that well enough. And I don't really feel that poetry has to be what the writer personally feels. I also write stories, and I create characters who I don't agree with, but I still have to put myself into the mind of someone who is nothing like me. And I have to write about their thoughts and emotion. Therefore, I decided I could do the same with poetry: create a character who is nothing like me, and who I don't really agree with, and write a poem from his/her perspective. And I believe that this writing has improved my poetry as well as helped me become more open-minded. Anyway, I hope that answered your questions. Let me know if it didn't and I'll try to explain it better. Thanks!


Oh, and P.S. The narrator is a woman who has lost her father, brother, son, and husband to war. I am a male. I have a brother who is in the military, but I have never lost anyone close to me in war. I was just trying to express my "character"s feelings as best as I could, the same way you would in any novel/short story/novella...etc. etc. I'll stop talking now! :-D
After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music. Aldous Huxley





It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.

J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets, 1999
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mae
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Postby mae » Thu Aug 07, 2008 4:39 pm

You did tell us that earlier, very clearly. It's just rather unusual is all and I was wondering what your impetus was. Whether or not it makes one more open-minded I don't know, but I don't doubt for a moment that it wouild help improve your poetry or your writing in general.

mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing

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