Mourning

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mae
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Mourning

Postby mae » Thu Jul 24, 2008 10:15 am

There will be a funeral today,
at the church down the road
for a little girl I knew.

A very little thing
who had just learned
to open the gate latch.

They're planning a funeral today
at the church down the road
for a sweet little child.

A friend of my grandson's,
she was cute as a button,
and way too independent.

There's going to be a funeral today
at the church down the road
for a tiny little girl.

Mama was feeding the baby
so she slipped through the gate
that led to the swimming pool.

Her funeral is today
at the church down the road.


mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.

Give me a crit! I can take it!

CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Fri Jul 25, 2008 7:36 pm

Very heartfelt, mae. I think your use of repetition here reinforces the mournful tone and seems rather like the solemn tolling of a funeral bell.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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DarkestWriter
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Postby DarkestWriter » Sat Jul 26, 2008 5:45 am

That was very good. I agree with Mlou, you did make it sound like the tolling of the bells.
Alfred "Because he thought it was good sport. Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn."
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J. Smith
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Postby J. Smith » Thu Aug 07, 2008 1:20 am

Mae, I don't know if this poem as any sort of correlation to your own life, but you did a fantastic job of expressing the emotion and the grieving for the little girl. I have nothing to say about this poem but, "Bravo"
After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music. Aldous Huxley


It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets, 1999
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mae
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Postby mae » Thu Aug 07, 2008 3:30 am

Thank you, everybody. Unfortunately, J. Smith, it is from a real event in my life. Three weeks ago a three year old girl, a friend of my grandson's, drowned in her family's swimming pool. We are a cluster of small communities and it has shaken our whole area.

mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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fiona
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Postby fiona » Thu Aug 07, 2008 7:32 am

Mae, needless to say, this is one of the worst things that may happen to a Western family. An irreversible tragedy indeed.
However, as a humble reader the only element of poetry I see in your piece is the repetition of

There's going to be a funeral today
at the church down the road


This is what I honestly think.

Fiona :-P
Know me by what I did today.
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mae
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Postby mae » Thu Aug 07, 2008 4:40 pm

And you know what, fiona? I don't disagree with that at all.

mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing
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fiona
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Postby fiona » Thu Aug 07, 2008 5:39 pm

I wonder why nobody mentioned that. I don't think nobody noticed it.
We are supposed to be honest to each other in order to be helpful. Aren't we? :scratch:

Fiona :-P
Know me by what I did today.
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Thu Aug 07, 2008 5:56 pm

I didn't say it because I don't see it that way. To me, the piece had a pleasing cadence and expressed sincere grief. Poetry is emotion, not always in rhyme or tricked out with elaborate strings of wordy phrases, but sometimes very simply said.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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mae
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Postby mae » Fri Aug 08, 2008 1:20 am

mlou is right, of course, Fiona. In this one, pretty phrases would be out of place. It was an awful occurrence; not one that lent itself to traditional poetics. So I didn't write it that way. But it's one of those things that you hope if you don't think about it, it will go away. When you wake up, though, it's still there - like the funeral at the church down the street. The rest of it was the story. The repetition was the poetry, a dirge, if you will.

It's not one that I will be working to improve. I don't wish to be reminded all the time of this tragedy. You are right, fiona, it isn't particularly poetic. I don't disagree with that, but in this case, I don't intend for it to be.

And you are also right, that we are to be honest with each other to help us improve. I value your honesty. I have no problem with your comment, nor with the fact that no one else made that observation.

mae
My heart beats in poetry. I think in rhythm and dream in rhyme.



Give me a crit! I can take it!



CELTIC QUEEN, an Epic Poem, Cynthia M. Bateman, amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore ... +Epic+Poem at Tate Publishing

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