What's wrong with this one?

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LilacWine
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What's wrong with this one?

Postby LilacWine » Mon Sep 18, 2006 9:34 am

Pantoum of Forgetting


Just a moment, I'll tell you the word
for that thing that I want over there.
What do I mean? Don't be absurd.
It's rude of you to sit and stare

at that thing that I want over there
and not to tell me its name.
It's rude of you to sit and stare.
Do you think it's some sort of game?

Then don't tell me its name.
It's no fun this getting old.
Do you think it's some sort of game?
Old women don't need to be told,

it's no fun this getting old.
You're not listening today.
Old women don't need to be told
what to do or what to say.

You're not listening today.
Sometimes I simply can't think
what to do or what to say.
It's all like water down the sink.

Sometimes I simply can't think.
What do I mean? Don't be absurd,
it's all like water down the sink.
Just a moment! I'll tell you the word.


* A pantoum, for anyone that doesn't know, is a rather obscure form in which the second and fourth lines of each stanza become the first and third lines of the next. The poem ends on the line with which it began with the third line from the first stanza becoming the second line of the final stanza. A pantoum can be of any length, may or may not rhyme and is not a metered form.
"I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear." -- Joan Didion (1934 - )

~Pamela~
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Mon Sep 18, 2006 10:03 am

Yep, been there, done that. (Pantoums, I mean.) They're great as an occasional exercise in discipline and form but too tiresome (to me) to venture into very often.
This one is very well done. What's wrong with it? Beats me. Unless, if you've tried it somewhere, that particular editor doesn't want to consider the subject matter. Maybe it's hitting too close to home? :-D
I have one in another form on a similar subject. I'll have to dig it out.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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LilacWine
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Postby LilacWine » Mon Sep 18, 2006 10:41 am

Yes, it was rejected, hence my wondering why. I thought the form suited the subject. A conversation with someone with early dementia often sounds like this. A subject with which I am very familiar. "Just a moment, I'll tell you the word" is something my grandmother said frequently. So this is written with her in mind. I know it's a rather light treatment, but who says we can't have fun with serious subjects.
"I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear." -- Joan Didion (1934 - )



~Pamela~
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pengwenn
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Postby pengwenn » Mon Sep 18, 2006 10:56 am

the line "It's all like water down the sink" had a funny vibe to it for me. The phrasing of it might be what hung me up. It sounded better if you removed "all" but still a little awkward to my ears, but probably because I would say "down the drain" instead of "down the sink". But for rhyming purposes I know why ya did it.
Is this my reality or yours?
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Mon Sep 18, 2006 11:25 am

Well, another way might be, Sometimes I just can't retain/what to do or what to say...it's gone like water down a drain... or whatever. Think, though, is probably more to the point. It's all just beyond the brink? lol One could wrack the brain...Ahah! Brain. rhymes with drain. And on and on. :-D
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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cherbo86
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Postby cherbo86 » Mon Sep 18, 2006 4:33 pm

I liked it, cant think of any reason why it wouldnt be accepted. I can see where this would be a very difficult and tiresome exercise, but like you said this one has been well done. I would try to send it somewhere else.
Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.
Arthur Schopenhauer

The road to hell is paved with adverbs.
Stephen King
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LilacWine
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Postby LilacWine » Mon Sep 18, 2006 8:57 pm

Thanks everyone. Now where to send it?
"I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear." -- Joan Didion (1934 - )



~Pamela~

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