Moonlight : Crit Please

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purty_trash
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Moonlight : Crit Please

Postby purty_trash » Sat Apr 29, 2006 3:55 pm

Hi.

Mlou would tell you that I'm not very regular with my poems. I just write them once in a while but I'd love to improve. This one represents my complete obsession with the moonlight :D and also hopes to compare moonlight with The Perfect Woman (that I know for sure is none :-D but I'll settle for anybody nearly perfect). I usually hate to sell tragedy but somehow 'tears' and 'scars' came in.

Would love to know how people feel about this one. :-D



MOONLIGHT

You the light, You the life;
The milky white over mountains high,
The white drape overgrassy plains;
Virgin and Pure, the very first
Female of the race.
Bathe me today and this dusty field,
Wrap my soul with what I can't see,
And fill my tears with all you be.

There's a Moon and a Me.
And in the void that separates,
You flood like the sea.
The Sea of Light, to guide and to follow;
The Waters of Heaven, to immerse my vow;
The String of Faith, to swing me to the stars;
The Wave of Love to wash away my scars.
You the light, You the life
Soak my crumbling soul,
in your cleansing white.
Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.
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Mlou
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Postby Mlou » Sat Apr 29, 2006 7:49 pm

Hi, Purty! Long time no "see". How be ye?
Nice sentiments about the moon. Now, lessee:
You used "white" twice in a row. Can you think of a better word with "drape"? Pearly, translucent...?
Are you saying that the MOON was the first female of the race...OR...LIKE the first female?
And fill my tears with all you be. ... "all you be" comes across a little awkwardly.
And would you want your tears "filled" or healed, maybe?
That's enough for now, huh? :-D
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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purty_trash
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Posts: 269
Joined: Mon May 09, 2005 5:07 am
Location: I'm a citizen of the milky way.

Postby purty_trash » Sat Apr 29, 2006 10:27 pm

Hey Mlou thanks.

Actually I read your poems from time to time, I just don't let you notice it :-D I enjoy reading you a lot, actually. I think I'll chip in my comments every now and then just to let you know that I hang around. :wink:

Will replace drape's accomplice.
I meant LIKE the first female. Will make it clear.
Would like the tears healed but filled also. I was trying to make it sound something like- the tears would reflect the moonlight which'd acheive the target. 8)

Hey, chip in all that you want to everyone. Even if you see this twenty years later and feel like commenting - YOU'RE WELCOME! :-D
Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.
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Mlou
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Location: Vermont

Postby Mlou » Sun Apr 30, 2006 10:25 am

By all means, leave comments. It gets pretty lonesome in that thread sometimes! :)
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America

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