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Train

Posted: Mon Dec 12, 2005 2:26 pm
by wrathofpengy
Let me know what you think. What I originally wrote this poem, I assumed it really sucked, but after some critiquing, I realized its not as bad as I thought and just needs a little work. Tear into it!

Trains

I have no memories of you.
Faded photos line empty walls
telling stories of a time
I long to remember.

I've never seen your face,
but I know your voice by heart.
I feel you in my sleep,
a part of me
I will never get to love.

In a dream I am at the station
waiting for the train
and feeling your absence.
Again, I miss you and again
I am confused.

I board and hear your call
(a little too late again)
and I reach out to grasp
a slipping hand.

I feel guilty
because I left you behind.

Posted: Mon Dec 12, 2005 3:51 pm
by Mlou
Very nice, wop. Really not much to pick apart here. Maybe the 3rd stanza doesn't grab quite as well...and I don't even know why. maybe 'confused' isn't the word that fits best. "I am at the station waiting for you. Again, I miss you and again I am bereft. I board the train and hear...."

Posted: Mon Dec 12, 2005 3:52 pm
by Mlou
PS...You call it Train at top but Trains in poem title?? I like Train better.

Posted: Mon Dec 12, 2005 4:37 pm
by wrathofpengy
Thanks for the critiques Mlou. ^_^