My Poem

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Operababe

My Poem

Postby Operababe » Mon Feb 16, 2004 12:10 pm

Read and tell me what you think! By the way, I'm new here. I read about this site in Writer's Digest. :)

“Compassion and Logic”

I am dripping with compassion,
But none will touch your soul.
Compassion cannot fill a soul that is so cold.
Your simple logic is killing you.
You cannot feel, you only think
You will drown in your thoughts,
dieing with you soul empty and bleak.
I am dripping with compassion, but you shall have none
There is no room for compassion in a soul cluttered with thought.
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xcheck24
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Postby xcheck24 » Mon Feb 16, 2004 12:38 pm

i like it...but there is one thing i would change is the last word...it's a good line, but the word "thought" seems out of place. it doesn't seem to work with the rhythm. But I'm not sure what would be a better word...hmmm...

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Operababe

Postby Operababe » Mon Feb 16, 2004 2:31 pm

I would have to agree with you on that one. I don't really care that much for the last line myself. But since I have not been able to come up with something better it has remained that way. There's really not that much of a backround to the poem. I wrote this poem a few months ago; the idea just kinda came to me I guess.
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xcheck24
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Postby xcheck24 » Mon Feb 16, 2004 5:43 pm

that's one of my biggest problems too when it comes to writing in general...endings. sometimes they just sputter out and it drives me insane. and ive found one of the hardest things about poetry is word choice...because you have to make sure it flows and it's strong words, etc.

you could always pull out the thesaurus...that's what I do sometimes.
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JillStar
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Re: My Poem

Postby JillStar » Mon Feb 16, 2004 5:58 pm

Hi Operababe... I enjoyed your poem and thank you for sharing it with us!

I thought of another way to end this poem and thought I would add it here... hope that's ok. :?

I am dripping with compassion,
but you shall have none
for compassion is not found in a cluttered soul

I don't know if that ending is better or not, but I thought I'd through it out there. :)

This poem was very emotional and I could feel the anguish and feeling of giving up on a person.
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Postby TheMudge » Mon Feb 16, 2004 6:00 pm

Agree with all the comments so far--good concept, good execution (could be tightened a bit, maybe), but I trip over that last word.

Incidently, GK Chesterton has made similar observations about humanity. We tend to think of insanity as the loss of reason--but the lunatic see reasons for EVERYthing. Lunacy isn't the absence of reason, according to Chesteron--it's the absence of everything BUT reason.

Hmmm . . . I wonder if "reason" or "reasons" would work instead of the word "thought" . . .
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Operababe

Postby Operababe » Mon Feb 16, 2004 6:12 pm

Thanks for all the suggestions! I'll try to rewrite the poem and see what happens. :)

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