A Concealed Ache

Post your poetry, talk about well-known poets, work on your form, discus the unique difficulties of invoking a poetic muse, and more.

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TheMudge
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Postby TheMudge » Tue Feb 03, 2004 6:45 pm

Anybody care to guess what MY first comment is going to be?

(smile)

CabalisticEntity (can I call you CE?): There is some beautiful, BEAUTIFUL expression going on here. But--as anyone who follows these posts can tell you--I'm a sucker for STORY: What you say here is GREAT--but outside of the story, it's almost meaningless. OK, you love him/her. And it hurts, because he/she is taken. Got it. Now--WHAT'S THE REST OF THE STORY??

Who IS this mysterious person? How did you meet him/her--and while we're at it, IS it a him or her? (Your old English might be a bit off on the "thy maiden" lines . . . not sure if you're referring to yourself or your love). And why are we talking in old English, anyway?

Keep in mind--not saying any of this is WRONG--just that there isn't enough information to for me to relate. And my big thing, as a writer and illustrator, is that ART MUST RELATE TO ITS AUDIENCE.

Great use of language, though. And an overall good draft. Welcome to Wordtrip!
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi

"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge

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Hissmonster
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Postby Hissmonster » Tue Feb 03, 2004 7:35 pm

Welcome to wordtrip my dear.

Don't let Mudge rattle ya! He gives some good advice, but is a story-focused man and doesn't go for raw emotional poetry.

Ask yourself this:

What are you trying to convey? Emotion, plain and simple--a heart trapped in a prison of unrequited love?

Or, do you want to say more...give a story.

I think I know what you were doing with the old English, but that is really tough word play if you are not submerged in the style. My guess is you like the old romantic sonnet's style. And wanted to convey that emotion.

My guess is that you are pinning for a man that you cannot have for he loves "her" more.

The poem is short enough if you wanted to convey a short burst of longing, but it would need more fleshing out if you were going for a story.

Any of this help give you ideas?

If not don't worry, they are only opinions, dear.
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Hissmonster
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Postby Hissmonster » Thu Feb 05, 2004 1:01 am

It's a good effort

don't hide your writing, it's meant to be shared check out some of the poetry and writing threads, we are all asking for help, advice etc, in one form or another, but sharing some interesting stuff too.

If your in a sentimental mood read knowing tash (the story is at the beginning and then we go off on some tangents)

I would love an opinion on my Vampire letter called Immortal...I think the thread is called "Ok guys, would love an opinion on this"

Jill has several poetry threads going..check out, join in and voice an opinion! :)
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TheMudge
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Postby TheMudge » Thu Feb 05, 2004 12:05 pm

CabalisticEntity wrote:I just never really have noticed that i needed to because I don't share my poetry much at all. I tend to just write for me, so it may be a bit open-ended.


Which is FINE--if that's all you want your poetry for, then it can be ANYthing you want! heck--you can even make up words, if you want to! (smile)

I'm just saying that there's a difference between the poetry for YOU, and the poetry--or any other kind of art--that you want to share. THAT stuff needs to be accessible to your audience.
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi


"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge



www.joyfulcurmudgeon.com

www.imaginationtogo.com

www.wowwebnow.com

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