WANTED!!! critic critic me!! (please?)

Post your poetry, talk about well-known poets, work on your form, discus the unique difficulties of invoking a poetic muse, and more.

Moderator: Metaphor Makers

MyEmPIRE

WANTED!!! critic critic me!! (please?)

Postby MyEmPIRE » Sun Nov 30, 2003 9:45 am

im just a simple girl, waiting in the closet. for her prince to open the door. so shes not alone anymore.
so she can cry all she wants, and be loved still. loved for her weakness. loved for all that i am. loved in loss in hurt and pain. yes, can you love me? without being blind. without the pretender giving you all the hope.
i promise i will let go. i promise i wont run too far without returning. i wont ever be too long. but can you learn to love the wait.
User avatar
TheMudge
Wordtrip Fixture
Posts: 10279
Joined: Thu May 08, 2003 12:57 pm
Location: Tampa Bay
Contact:

Postby TheMudge » Sun Nov 30, 2003 11:46 pm

I'm thinking these are two separate poems, yes?

Both of them are probably very heartfelt by you, the author . . . but to me, the reader, there simply isn't enough information for me to either know what's going on or feel involved.

The first one only tells me that the subject is a girl in search of romantic love. To be blunt, I know LOTS of girls who fit that description. Try telling me--via the poem--why the girl in this poem is different. What is waiting behind the door the prince would open? What is the "all that I am"? Give me more detail.

The second one offers just a tantalizing taste of a happening . . . while this one is deliciously painful in its succinct style--and I wouldn't want you to lose that--it again doesn't give me quite enough info to really relate. Who is the pretender? Why is the soul vanishing? Obviously, you want the reader to draw some of his/her own conclusions . . . but I think we need a bit more to go on.

My two cents.
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi

"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge

www.joyfulcurmudgeon.com
www.imaginationtogo.com
www.wowwebnow.com
MyEmPIRE

thanks its appreciated

Postby MyEmPIRE » Mon Dec 01, 2003 2:50 am

Well i see where your comming from. it isnt one of my best poems at all.
but the other one wasnt part of it. its an ending of another one of my poems. aka:

green mind of mine,
where heaven looks upon.
seems like time is runnig,
hideing in the corners.
can it be so, that its to early yet to know?
but haha

i cant fool my own self for too long,
just long enough to smile and to hold my head up high.
braking is easy, but being ok is hard.
when your heart has no air to breathe,
when you cant help but not care.
in the end there will be no end,
when the bottem comes ill just continue to fall.
fall into more depair.
so weak but look so strong.
so hurt but laugh with joy.
i think i know the answer, but then again im always wrong.
the wind, my love. the sky, my love.
the peace, my reach. my hand, my pretender
as my lips lie, as my soul vanishes, as I.
as I.
as who?



see but im not sure if it fits all together, but i never think of that wen i write. i just write. write what i feel. and what i feel hardly ever fits together. so .... i dont know. i think im yet to learn alot.
what do u think??
User avatar
TheMudge
Wordtrip Fixture
Posts: 10279
Joined: Thu May 08, 2003 12:57 pm
Location: Tampa Bay
Contact:

Postby TheMudge » Mon Dec 01, 2003 9:06 am

For starters, I think this has a LOT of potential . . . and you're right: it does make much more sense as a whole.

Now, as to how you approach poetry, well, it's like this: if you are writing simply as a way of getting thoughts out of your head, as a way of dealing with and examining your feelings, what you're doing is fine. And there's nothing wrong with it--in fact millions of people probably do it.

But poetry, ultimately is a CRAFT . . . and that means, if you are creating a product for others (as opposed to just doing it for yourself), you need to start thinking in terms of BUILDING something.

Look at it this way: if your're angry or sad and depressed, and you decide to go out and start pounding nails into a 2 x 4 to work off your frustration, that's fine, but at the end of the day, you can't expect to have built a china hutch, y'know? Make sense?

I want to look at your poem closer, then I'll comment again.
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi


"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge



www.joyfulcurmudgeon.com

www.imaginationtogo.com

www.wowwebnow.com
MyEmPIRE

Postby MyEmPIRE » Tue Dec 02, 2003 1:46 am

thanks for that, i see your point. But see, for me,
writing isnt a product. It's all wrong the way society sees it as that.
i personally see it as an exploration of self and as a projection of your soul and mind.
to build a poem to be a product to someone else is what destroys writing all together.
it's what destroy'a all forms of art.
ok, i guess it depends on the motives of the artist, may it be to shock, to create controversy and so forth, but it all lies in the technique and technique is what makes artists all different and unique.
the way i go about my writing and art is very spontanously. i just write and dont look back and change hardly ever.(unless its spelling ,punctuation etc)
once ive completed it, i leave it. because to me, i feel as if by changing it, im not being true to the feeling behind it. be it pain, anger, joy etc..
by changing it so people like it more then just letting it 'be' what it is.

i dont know. thats just how i feel about it at the moment. i mean, im still young and have yet to learn alot but i think it best to start my journey by being true to myself and real. and that to me is by just letting my poems be as they become and thats all. to be born from the words in my heart and mind and not for society's satisfaction. thats where this world has gone wrong.

laterzzz!!!
User avatar
charlesp
Site Admin
Posts: 13851
Joined: Sun Apr 27, 2003 8:56 pm
Location: Lawrenceville, GA
Contact:

Postby charlesp » Tue Dec 02, 2003 9:51 am

Here's what I think, and I'm not the skilled poetic critic that the mudge is, I think that commercializing your writing isn't being authentic... BUT (and this is a BIG but) that doesn't mean that it shouldn't be skilled. Oddly enough I kind of agree with TheMudge.

Certainly, if you're writing for your own personal edification, writing something simply for the sake of putting your thoughts down on paper, then it really isn't necessary that it be readable to anybody else (not saying this isn't readable... just saying it doesn't have to be even that). But when you're writing, and you want to share what you've written, you've got to realize that people are going to expect some level of cohesiveness. It doesn't have to fit any particular style or genre, it can even define it's own genre, but a writer, like a painter or a musician or any other artist should (IMNSHO) better their craft, through practice and study, so that their thoughts and feelings are portrayed better. The greatest artists in all feilds are ones who have the raw passion and talent, but have also taken the time and energy required to make their work of a quality that people can feel and see what they were trying to portray as it relates to their OWN experiences and emotions.

Now... ALL that said... it is a journey... and you're taking the most important step of that journey by actually doing the work of writing. You're also taking one of the most difficult steps by sharing it with the world. Some will like what you've written, others not, but as with most art forms you've got to develop a thick skin and realize that most people (especially here amongst peers) are going to be criticizing you in a way that is ment to help and not hurt you, sharing opinions and thoughts on your work and not you personally.

Ok... off the soapbox... keep at the writing as you've got a voice and an outlet for it and those are great gifts.

CharlesP

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C Clarke
"Coffee is sufficiently advanced technology" - Merlin Mann
One day I realized that sadness is just another word for not enough coffee." - Wally (Dilbert)
MyEmPIRE

Postby MyEmPIRE » Tue Dec 02, 2003 8:08 pm

well i really do appriciate your opinions and dont worry im not offended in the least. lol its what im looking for. ok so i see what you guys mean.
so, how exactly do i CREATE it so thats its pleasurable for people to read?
User avatar
TheMudge
Wordtrip Fixture
Posts: 10279
Joined: Thu May 08, 2003 12:57 pm
Location: Tampa Bay
Contact:

Postby TheMudge » Tue Dec 02, 2003 10:43 pm

Well, practice makes perfect. Also, read: read everything you can get your hands on. Read poets you like, read poets you respect, read poets you think suck. Learn what they can teach you and move on.
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi


"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge



www.joyfulcurmudgeon.com

www.imaginationtogo.com

www.wowwebnow.com

Return to “Pondering Poetry - Share poems, work on form, learn types of poetry”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests