Looking for a helpful critique!

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TurtleDove

Looking for a helpful critique!

Postby TurtleDove » Wed Nov 05, 2003 5:36 pm

Disappearance

She wanders through life,
Both seen and unseen by all, yet none.
She struggles with her strife
And fears the world has won.
All she wants, is to break through
The chains that bind her to the ground.
She would give her life for a meager few
Moments of freedom from the world around.
She'd sprout wings and fly,
Joining the birds in the open air.
Only wanting to soar through the currents in the sky,
The wind in her face, blowing through her hair.
But no, it cannot be.
Creation has closed around her,
Nothing seems as small as she.
The world rushes by in a rapid whir,
Passing over her as if she was no more.

Angela
[/quote]
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April
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Postby April » Fri Nov 07, 2003 10:32 pm

Not bad.
The 2nd and 11th lines are a little long and mess up the rhythm to my ears.
Editing - take the comma out of the 5th line.

Have you tried it in 1st person?

I like the verbs you've used.

As a reader, I want to know more of the 'why'. What makes her feel so small and unnoticed? What is 'her strife', the 'chains that bind her?'

Poetry is so personal; you're brave to put it up for critique.
-April
TurtleDove

Postby TurtleDove » Fri Nov 14, 2003 4:02 pm

thank you for the critique! I never thought about putting it into 1st person. What a great idea! That would give it such a more personal feel. Thanks again, and I will try to find time to work out the glitches sometime :|
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TheMudge
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Postby TheMudge » Sat Nov 15, 2003 5:27 am

I agree with April's critique--the poem is technically well-done, for the most part, but it left me wanting to know much more about the situation. Which is a GOOD thing--you WANT the reader to want to keep reading--but I felt disappointed at the end, and that's NOT good.

Also--be aware of forced rhyming. Using "strife" in the first couplet sounds less authentic compared to your other, more natural-sounding language (does anyone even USE the word "strife" anymore? Except Peter Jennings, I mean . . .).

Having said that, I was impressed with the way you didn't limit your sentences to the ends of each line. The mark of someone who's actually READ good poetry.
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi

"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge

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