A few years ago, since I believed that the importance of my life seemed to go in a new direction, I gave up on writing for a while. I fought my demons, true and I have been hounded by God and Smith once in a while whilst I was (am) playing life and death and what if. Also, I figured that moaning here on the boards about cancer this and cancer that was something that I didn't want to do cuz i HATE sympathy crap. I know that my writing group knew of this and that is the way it needed to be.
So I took a break that was longer than expected...but to be honest, needed so that I could get my head back on straight.
Since I have seen you last, I have been to England and Scotland (went with my Mom in June 07). You don't know beauty people until you get to Isle of Skye in Northwest of Scotland...I won't deny that I wanted to become Scottish and to disappear into the largest and most northerly island in the Inner Hebrides.
That would have really freaked Mom out.
Went to Vegas that same year with a gal pal right after Labor Day and have vowed to NEVER go back there again.
Then, you know how it goes. Life for whatever reason, takes one away and daily activities seem to grind on and on and on...
Then came this morning at my Oncologists office.
"Your markers are good..." and have come down considerably from the months prior when they were up over the 100 mark (that was a scary time). Now at 31.7 (don't even ask why there is a .7 but there is), this was the bit of good news since starting the chemo pill 4 months ago. It's also considered to be a "normal" count, and something he wasn't expecting. I will be able to take one less pill when I start back on my ONweek of pills...3 in morning and 2 in pm. Much better than the 8 a day i started with at the beginning of this mess.
On the way home, something, I don't know what or why, put a conversation in my head with God and Ms. Smith...something that may have been there this whole time.
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"What are you wanting to discuss, Ms. Smith?" God said sitting in his chair.
Funny. It looked as if he was having a bad case of hemorrhoids. Or was it that he just wasn't in the mood to see me.
"You want to know why you are still here." God doesn't ever miss a beat.
"Why do I come to talk to you when you know everything I want to say, sir?"
"Well..." He cracked a smile. "It's in my nature, Smith. I am omnipitant, all-knowing..."
"Pain in my ass," I finished for him.
He laughed and ignored my comment. "You are here, Ms. Smith...because you are supposed to be."
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So with that...I actually got something down...been a long time coming. My hands give me issues b/c of the chemo, but hopefully that will improve soon. Glad to be back here and hope all of you have been well...love, JB
