mslover's poetry junkyard

A place for you writers to complain about your writing and the writing process... maybe posting what you got done today to make you feel like less of a writing failure.

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mslover
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mslover's poetry junkyard

Postby mslover » Tue Nov 13, 2007 2:45 pm

they tell me
all my positives,
intelligence and beauty,
outgoing and fun,
creative and witty,
and yet,
i am nothing when
the sounds of such praise
fall hollow,
when the only one who matters
never says a word.

"Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories - we've already missed the spring"

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
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Postby TheMudge » Tue Nov 13, 2007 3:51 pm

Oooooh . . . short and sweet, but poignant. I like.

It bothers me a little, though, that the first pair of "positives" are nouns, and the rest are adjectives . . .
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi

"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge

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Postby mslover » Tue Nov 13, 2007 5:02 pm

they tell me
all my positives,
intelligent and attractive,
outgoing and fun,
creative and witty,
and yet,
i am nothing when
the sounds of such praise
fall hollow,
when the only one who matters
never says a word.

okay, that better? :D

"Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories - we've already missed the spring"

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
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Postby TheMudge » Wed Nov 14, 2007 9:02 am

Yah. Better.

If I may nitpick . . .

I think an elipses (. . .) or a colon after "positives" would set up for the pairs that follow.

And

I would lose the "when" after "nothing". Maybe just put a semicolon there. As it is, you have two conditions: WHEN the praise falls hollow, WHEN he never says a word (I am assuming this is a guy, although it could easily be about your mother).

Anyway, losing that one "when" puts all of the emphasis on him/her. Does that make sense?
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi


"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge



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fiona
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Postby fiona » Wed Nov 14, 2007 10:45 am

yourself

you don't tell yourself about your own good traits!

Could it be? :oops:

I'm like you...
Self-esteemcomplications...


What about They tell me?
Know me by what I did today.
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Postby Mlou » Wed Nov 14, 2007 12:10 pm

I would reverse a couple of lines:

And yet
the sounds of such praise
fall hollow.
I am nothing
when the only one who matters
never says a word.
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...


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Postby mslover » Wed Nov 14, 2007 12:21 pm

wow - i never expected to get this much feedback. :) thanks everyone (i think)...
fiona - you can tell yourself how wonderful you think you are but sometimes you simply need to hear it from someone else. unfortunate but true.

mudge, yes i agree with the punctuation... just didn't take time to look that closely at it.

mlou - does sound better that way. so now we have this:

perception
they tell me
all my positives;
intelligent and attractive,
outgoing and fun,
creative and witty,
and yet,
the sounds of such praise
fall hollow,
i am nothing
when the only one who matters
never says a word.


better?

"Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories - we've already missed the spring"

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
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Postby fiona » Wed Nov 14, 2007 12:46 pm

perception
they tell me

Why don't you use caps?

sometimes you simply need to hear it from someone else. unfortunate but true.
What for would you want that? :shock:
Know me by what I did today.
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Postby mslover » Wed Nov 14, 2007 12:51 pm

fiona - you haven't read too much of my poetry... but i simply abhore capitals. lol poetry gives us the freedom to play with punctuation and capitalization. ie... e.e. cummins and others. :wink: so i take my liberties where i can.

"Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories - we've already missed the spring"

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
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Postby fiona » Wed Nov 14, 2007 1:05 pm

Well, there are liberties I'd rather avoid :roll: But, as you put it: it's personal choice. Besides, one only takes liberties when one knows the language tools, which is your case but not mine. :oops:
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Postby TheMudge » Wed Nov 14, 2007 1:20 pm

I like it!!
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi


"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge



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Postby fiona » Wed Nov 14, 2007 2:41 pm

Quote:
sometimes you simply need to hear it from someone else. unfortunate but true.

What for would you want that?


Yes, but it's important to me that you give me your reasons to think like that.
Know me by what I did today.
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Postby mslover » Wed Nov 14, 2007 6:02 pm

in case i want to work on this one i am "dumping" it here as well as in the poetry challenge...

move him into the sun
past shadows darken his thoughts
hovering over him,
impede his future.

move him into the sun
set free his mind from
numbing memories, holding
hostage his future.

move him into the sun ~
he wants so badly to see the sunlight
reflecting from the window
into his heart, warm and easy.

move him into the sun ~
now his smile rivals the sun
easing the lines etched on his face
finding tomorrow full of promise.

"Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories - we've already missed the spring"

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
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Postby mslover » Thu Nov 15, 2007 1:45 pm

almost i feel your lips
possessing mine,
almost i feel your arms
wrapped around me,
almost we share days and nights
lost in each other…
yet you are there,
and I am here,
so almost is all I have.

"Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories - we've already missed the spring"

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
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Postby TheMudge » Thu Nov 15, 2007 6:23 pm

That's kinda sad . . .
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi


"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge



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Postby mslover » Mon Nov 19, 2007 6:54 pm

rain falls,
i trace the drop sliding
across the window,
seeing only gray;
missing you.

"Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories - we've already missed the spring"

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
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Postby JillStar » Mon Nov 19, 2007 7:26 pm

Wow... I didn't realize how down I was until I looked at the rain drop on my window... sigh.
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Postby TheMudge » Tue Nov 20, 2007 9:08 am

Hey, I wrote an entire song one time called "Cadaver Gray." Now THAT was depressing . . .
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi


"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge



www.joyfulcurmudgeon.com

www.imaginationtogo.com

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Postby mslover » Mon Dec 03, 2007 12:18 am

the peace i've made
with myself,
is an illusion,
simply a lie i tell myself
to keep the fleeting smile
from sliding from my lips,
keep the pages from being torn
the book of my life
from being shredded.

"Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories - we've already missed the spring"

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
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Postby TheMudge » Mon Dec 03, 2007 10:16 am

Man, ain't THAT the truth . . .
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi


"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge



www.joyfulcurmudgeon.com

www.imaginationtogo.com

www.wowwebnow.com
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Postby Mlou » Mon Dec 03, 2007 3:31 pm

I sense a little tristesse these last several entries!
nothing is ever simply Yes or No. There's always a But...





GINGERBREAD MAN by Mary Lou Healy at Amazon.com http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/ ... ogid=16658 at Publish America
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Postby TheMudge » Wed Dec 05, 2007 3:37 pm

Oh ! comment français !
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi


"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge



www.joyfulcurmudgeon.com

www.imaginationtogo.com

www.wowwebnow.com
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JillStar
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Postby JillStar » Wed Dec 05, 2007 6:59 pm

Poetry often comes from the darker side of each of us... or so I'm told. 8)
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TheMudge
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Postby TheMudge » Thu Dec 06, 2007 9:09 am

Passion is often dark. But "dark" and "gloomy" aren't necessarily the same thing.
"Throughout history, Truth and Love have always won." - M. Ghandi


"Truth and Love often get the crap kicked out of them along the way." -D. Mudge



www.joyfulcurmudgeon.com

www.imaginationtogo.com

www.wowwebnow.com
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mslover
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Postby mslover » Thu Dec 06, 2007 12:20 pm

sheesh - what do you people want from me? roses and sunshine and light frilly stuff? lol besides, you go with what you feel at the moment... i can't force out a poem to save my life. either it flows out like water or it doesn't.

:) bah humbug!

"Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories - we've already missed the spring"

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain."

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