Hiss's Writer's Blog/log

[mae]

Hiss, dear, referring to Apr. 4 post, you have MY permission not to ask for permission - for anything!

mae

[Hissmonster]

Thanks Mae!

It's been a rollercoaster ride of emotions, mostly others, since I was diagnosed.

I get this weird mix of those who seem disappointed that I don't look/act sicker and then others who think well I can take care of them because I'm not walking around with a neon sign that says poor me I have cancer.

Maybe I should have walked around looking like I was going 10 rounds with the angel of death to please them. But!!!!!

Screw 'em I am not in this to please others.

[mae]

I have friends who have been diagnosed with cancer who didn't want to tell anyone, even when it became terminal (they had to, then, though), because they didn't want to be defined by C-A-N-C-E-R. They felt that if others knew, whenever they looked at my friends all they would see is a giant red C scribed on their foreheads.

It sounds as though, in one way or the other, you are being defined by the cancer to your friends. They aren't seeing enough of it, even though they know it's there. When we think of cancer, our hearts sorta stop for a moment and we catch our breath - just like you did when you got the diagnosis. And if you don't have the appearance that is "justified" by such heart-stopping-breath-catching responses, well then there must be something wrong with you! (Pun, irony, whatever, intended!)

I've got no words of wisdom for you. You don't want to come down on them because then it would look like you're "playing the martyr", plus YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO BE THAT SICK!

Hang in there, Hiss. Take care of you and don't let their stress hinder your recovery.

mae