Del's Writing Blog... Abysmal First Drafts...

A place for you writers to complain about your writing and the writing process... maybe posting what you got done today to make you feel like less of a writing failure.

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Delaney
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Del's Writing Blog... Abysmal First Drafts...

Postby Delaney » Fri Sep 24, 2004 5:10 pm

No, seriously... I'm gonna use this for WRITING...
Last edited by Delaney on Sun Sep 14, 2014 3:34 pm, edited 30 times in total.
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby royal_blueyes » Fri Sep 24, 2004 5:13 pm

ooh, so u got some writing done, thats an accomplishment in itself :)


Guess i can give you those presents then...
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Postby Delaney » Fri Sep 24, 2004 5:17 pm

Yeah, even I'm surprised... quantity and quallity are at an all time low though... *waves arms to the gods of equilibrium for mercy*
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby royal_blueyes » Fri Sep 24, 2004 5:18 pm

Grants wish *wink*
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Postby Delaney » Fri Sep 24, 2004 10:29 pm

So... luckily, I was reading stuff in my writing portfolio at Starbucks with Bluey, and I came across something I found on the Net: something called a memeory list. I never did it before but I think it could really help me to know what I want to include next... at least it'll keep me busy and doing something that may spark inspiration...
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby TheMudge » Sat Sep 25, 2004 8:55 am

Delaney wrote:at least it'll keep me busy and doing something that may spark inspiration...


Sometimes, that's the best you can hope for.
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Postby Erin Lemley » Sat Sep 25, 2004 12:57 pm

Here's a little advice take it or leave it. I don't even know if it's good advice. LOL

Delaney, the two paragraphs even though they are both talking about cigarrettes seem unconnected.

I know the connection is 'him', but giving the reader a little more here would benefit the story.

I like the exchange between mother and daughter and understand the reference of being eighteen and having her parents decide it's time for her to leave, but it seems incongruous with why she is attached to the sweater.

See if you can find a way to connect them. And talk more about 'him' as a person rather than in abstracts of 'him'. It may help connect those two thoughts.

Hope it helps
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Postby Delaney » Sat Sep 25, 2004 10:45 pm

Thanks Erin... I'll try!
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby Delaney » Fri Oct 01, 2004 1:37 am

Stupid #!#*& narratives killing me... *seethes*

My job is killing me too... anyway :roll: , that's for the other blog.

I did a wittle bit of free-hand writing the other day... something I don't normally do... a new story's been rolling around in my mind and I finally got some of it out... can't wait till I have time to actually type it...

Haha. The guy who inspired my new MC appeared at work today... or at least I think he did... either that or I'm starting to see people that aren't there... *groan* that's all I need... to begin imagining that my MCs are hanging around work... that'll really mess up my orders... (now I know how Cyco felt... :lol: )
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby Delaney » Sat Oct 09, 2004 7:15 pm

If I don't write by tomorrow I will wither and die...

Hey, stop smiling at the thought!
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Postby Anblick » Sat Oct 09, 2004 9:03 pm

OK, what do you need to motivate you to write?
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Postby Delaney » Sun Oct 10, 2004 11:59 am

An idea... I only get them at work and when I sit down to write it it goes BLeeeeeeeeh........
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Untitled, first-draft thingy...

Postby Delaney » Wed Oct 13, 2004 1:20 am

I actually started some writing today... time to get these narratives back on the road... comments or crit welcome...


“If you ever become like that…” his voice trailed off, leaving my brain to finish the rest of his sentence.
We were picking up his two kids, Michael and Megan. Megan was his ‘princess’, and Michael, though exceptionally sweet at four years old, was barely recognized as his child by Lonnie.

His ex-wife was fat, with fine dark hair and yellow teeth. Her boyfriend was tall and thin, with yellower teeth, and gave off the impression of profuse ignorance.

“What did she look like before?” I asked.

Lonnie was quiet for a moment.

“A little bigger than you,” he paused, thinking. “She was pretty. But she let herself go.”

We sat in silence. It was a scarring expedition. They lived in a dirty trailer off a dirt road, way in the back. A lawn piled with toys, no grass… and those teeth! Just looking at their teeth confirmed the suspicion that they were constantly eating something decayed. Probably possum, by the looks of things. These weren’t just smoker teeth. They were rotted teeth. I’ve seen the homeless with better oral hygiene.

They lived in red-neck village, but oddly enough , they seemed pretty happy.

Happy, except for the look on Crystal’s face when we stood outside the trailer. It’s the look that knows the other person is shocked, maybe repulsed. The look that is half begging you to pretend the trailer is not there and half mustering a defense.

I tried not to look too hard. And I tried to smile. But here I was, her ex-husband’s new girlfriend, dressed in black stretch pants that gave me a pleasing frame, paraded around in front of her while she stood inside of the dump she called home. It must have killed her that Lonnie brought me over; that he was introducing her to someone who would be influencing her kids for the next two days.

When we got in the car and Lonnie tried to kiss me, I brushed him away.

“Its okay,” he smiled, nodding at the kids watching in the back seat.

“They don’t even know me, Lonnie. I don’t think you should be kissing me in front of them yet.”

He backed off and chuckled lightly.

“If you ever let yourself go like that,” he began again, “I will divorce you.”

“What!?” I exclaimed, and I began a long tirade of ‘what-ifs’ concerning babies and pregnancy weight and what would he do if I couldn’t work it off?

“That’s hard to do, y’know,” I continued, “And Crystal had two kids. Its not easy to drop that kind of weight.” Not that I knew from experience, but I suddenly felt for the underdog… especially since I could easily become one in Lonnie’s book.

“No, no. She was just lazy. She sat around eating Bon-bons all day.”

His cliché’s annoyed me almost more than his responses.

“So if I get like that you’ll leave me?”

“Yes! I don’t want a wife who just sits around getting fat all day and not doing anything!”

“She took care of your kids,” I responded.

“No, I always got them dressed and ready for school. I always made dinner. I always worked. She did nothing.”

I sighed. Megan and Michael were quiet. Michael playing with his seat-belt, and Megan looking out the window pretending to ignore us.

“He has your lips,” I whispered.

Lonnie smiled.
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby TheMudge » Wed Oct 13, 2004 3:56 am

Interesting. The last couple of lines hint at a new direction that the story might take.

An idea: maybe she should be self-conscious . . . almost feeling guilty that she had come, let alone worn the stretch pants. Like maybe she had WANTED to look good in front of the ex, but when she actually SAW the ex, she felt sorry for her.

It would make the narrator more sympathetic.
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Postby royal_blueyes » Wed Oct 13, 2004 11:18 am

I like it alot. Has a very different feel than the other narratives. One thing i like is the characterization of Lonnie, you get an idea of what type of guy he is. Also the narrators opinions are shown well such as feeling sorry for the woman who is ashamed to show her home.

The introduction is a nice way to start with the forshadowing of the conversation. The ending is interesting by changing the conversation showing that it is the end of that discussion. Overall, i like it alot, its connected with the other narratives by characters but completely different style.

I'm glad you found some time to do some writing. I know you've been needing some tiem to do it. :D
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Postby mslover » Wed Oct 13, 2004 4:47 pm

I enjoyed this. Your descriptions are good and I really like the direction you're taking with it. More please!

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Postby pengwenn » Wed Oct 13, 2004 5:21 pm

"No, I always got them dressed and ready for school. I always made dinner. I always worked. She did nothing.”

I sighed. Megan and Michael were quiet. Michael playing with his seat-belt, and Megan looking out the window pretending to ignore us.



I liked it. Very good. I wonder if her impressions of Lonnie's ex changes the way she sees/feels about him. I wanted more then just "I sighed." Maybe that comes later.
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Postby Delaney » Thu Oct 14, 2004 1:18 am

A little rewriting... opinions please...

“If you ever become like that…” his voice trails off, leaving my brain to finish the rest of his sentence.

We’re picking up his two kids, Michael and Megan. Megan his ‘princess’. Lonnie babies her, giving her hugs and affection never given to Michael. Because Michael, though exceptionally sweet at four years old, calls the wrong man ‘Daddy’.

“What did she look like before?” I ask, as Lonnie drives us back home.

Lonnie was quiet for a moment.

“A little bigger than you,” he pauses, thinking. “She was pretty. But she let herself go.”

We it in silence. Crystal and her boyfriend live in a dirty trailer off a dirt road. A lawn piled with toys, no grass… and the worst teeth I ever saw.

We walk together to the trailer where Crystal lived. I had offered to stay in the car and after that was refuted, I resisted his hand. There was no reason for me to go there. She doesn’t expect me. Her eyebrows raise in unpleasant surprise.

Just looking at their teeth confirmed the suspicion that they were always eating something decayed. Probably possum, by the looks of things. Those aren’t just smoker teeth, I think. They’re rotted teeth. I saw homeless with better oral hygiene.


“Oh…”she pauses. “Hi.”

I smile. We take the kids and go.

They live in red-neck village; but oddly enough , they seem happy.

Happy, except for the look on Crystal’s face when we stood outside the trailer. The look that knows the other person is shocked, maybe repulsed. The look that is half begging you to pretend the trailer is not there and half mustering a defense.

I try not to look too hard. And I try to smile. But here I am, her ex-husband’s new girlfriend, dressed in black stretch pants that I wear to work for better tips, paraded around in front of her while she stood inside of the dump she called home. It must have killed her that Lonnie brought me over; that he was introducing her to someone who would be influencing her kids for the next two days.

We got in the car and Lonnie tries to kiss me. I brush him away.

“Its okay,” he smiles, nodding at his kids watching in the back seat.

“They don’t even know me, Lonnie. I don’t think you should be kissing me in front of them yet.”

He backs off and chuckles lightly.

“If you ever let yourself go like that,” he begins again, “I will divorce you.”

“What!?” I exclaim, and begin a long tirade of ‘what-ifs’ concerning babies and pregnancy weight and what would he do if I couldn’t work it off?

“That’s hard to do, y’know,” I continue. He’s only half-listening. “And Crystal had two kids. Its not easy to drop that kind of weight.” Not that I know, but I suddenly feel for the Crystal… especially since Lonnie can be hard to please.

“No, no. She was just lazy. She sat around eating Bon-bons all day.”

His cliché annoys me more than his response.

“So if I get like that you’ll leave me?”

“Yes! I don’t want a wife who just sits around getting fat all day and not doing anything!”

“She took care of your kids,” I respond.

“No, I always got them dressed and ready for school. I always made dinner. I always worked. She did nothing.”

I sigh, and glance back. The kids are quiet. Michael plays with his seat-belt. Megan looks out the window, pretending to ignore us.

“He has your lips,” I whisper.

Lonnie smiles.
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby royal_blueyes » Thu Oct 14, 2004 11:33 am

Nice, I like the editing :D I see you did stay up to do some writing :wink:
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Finish with five more</i>
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Postby Delaney » Thu Oct 14, 2004 4:10 pm

NEED MORE FEEDBACK!!!!!!!!!!
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Postby mslover » Thu Oct 14, 2004 4:22 pm

I gave you some earlier - One thing I noticed this time (me being a pseudo-English major in college) is the writing tense is inconsistant in a couple of parts of your narrative.

Now this is just my two tiny little cents but I find the present tense is hard to read in the whole context of the story - though I like it when the character is thinking or engaged in conversation. Not sure if that is helpful or not....

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Postby Delaney » Thu Oct 14, 2004 5:54 pm

Well, see this is a rewrite... from the one that was critted last... wanted to see which tense readers agreed with better...
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Postby Delaney » Wed Oct 27, 2004 3:01 pm

Ugh... I feel like the living dead... anyway,

I'm trying to write a new chapter for my Florida thingy... I wrote quite a bit but I'm having 2 issues... for one thing... it boring... and I don't know how to transition... its hard to describe without posting it... guess I will but now I have to get off my a** to do it... :roll:
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Postby Nephtalius » Wed Oct 27, 2004 6:09 pm

Delaney wrote: “What did she look like before?” I ask, as Lonnie drives us back home.

Lonnie was quiet for a moment.

The change of tense is jarring. Why not, `Lonnie sits quietly for a moment??' There's something to be said for consistency.

Delaney wrote: We sit in silence. Crystal and her boyfriend live in a dirty trailer off a dirt road. A lawn piled with toys, no grass… and the worst teeth I ever saw.

Now is this where the flashback begins?? It's hard to tell. You need to either call attention to the flashback, or (prolly better) eliminate it and make the entire narrative chronologically continuous.

Delaney wrote: We walk together to the trailer where Crystal lived. I had offered to stay in the car and after that was refuted, I resisted his hand.

Again, the change of tense (`We walk together ... Crystal lived.') jumps out at the reader in a disconcerting way. `Refuted' doesn't seem like exactly the right word.

Delaney wrote: Just looking at their teeth confirmed the suspicion that they were always eating something decayed. Probably possum, by the looks of things. Those aren’t just smoker teeth, I think. They’re rotted teeth. I saw homeless with better oral hygiene.

`I saw,' doesn't sound right either. Maybe `I've seen.'

Delaney wrote: Happy, except for the look on Crystal’s face when we stood outside the trailer. The look that knows the other person is shocked, maybe repulsed. The look that is half begging you to pretend the trailer is not there and half mustering a defense.

Now what?? Are we starting another mini-flashback here?? I really think the story would read much smoother in straight chronological order.

Delaney wrote: Not that I know, but I suddenly feel for the Crystal… especially since Lonnie can be hard to please.

Drop `the.'

Pretty interesting, but all three (adult) characters are losers, and it's hard to identify or sympathize with any of them. The narrator doesn't have enough backbone to wait in the car even though she knows it's the right thing to do. Lonnie not only flaunts his girlfriend to his ex, but doesn't care enough about his kids to take them to the dentist.

I'm looking forward to seeing what direction you go with this story.
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Postby Delaney » Wed Oct 27, 2004 8:40 pm

Pretty interesting, but all three (adult) characters are losers

LOL thanks alot Neph... clearly I'm not conveying what happpened... think I'm gonna scrap it for now anyways...
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