Del's blog: Can't argue with Moses...

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Delaney
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Postby Delaney » Sat Nov 02, 2013 3:30 am

My family has gone crazy.

Not that this is in itself unusual. The most remarkable part is that for once I'm not the family member losing her mind.

Entirely.

Without totally getting into it - and pissing myself off even more - this past October does seem to be the month of breakups for us. I left Francisco after he through me against a wall among other things, my cousin ran away from her boyfriend of 10 years because he got drunk and tried to run her over with his car, and my sister decided she would leave the nicest guy in the world for her smarmy ex-husband.

Amid all this craziness, I can't help but slide back into my mental roots and wonder if my mother is right - maybe we are in the "End Times."

I'm kidding. Mostly. The world, or our world anyway, does appear to be taking a definite dip.

Aside from these fun items of note, my class is also going downhill. I noticed my professor had slid my grade from my lofty A to a B. Now this isn't the end of the world per se, but I did wonder. Then I kept losing points. When I confronted him about it, he said that although all my WORK is correct, I was losing points due to formatting errors. By "formatting errors" he specified that in a few of my latest submissions, including my midterm, the font was "inconsistent." Some of it was in Times New Roman, some in Ariel. I can't exactly put my finger on how this occurred but I can only suspect it has something to do with limited time causing me to rush and without a home computer anymore (my ex had the laptop), I've had to save my work and submit where and when I can, perhaps altering the format. I explained this, but he said he was "unforgiving" about formatting.

Oh good. At least his priorities are in line.

So now I'm going to slip into a C. I should never be getting a C when I am actually doing the work. I get C's when I sleepwalk through class. Not when I work at it. Godammit. Nothing right now, is going the way it should. I guess trying to keep up with an online course without having alot of the "online" part anymore just isn't a feasible plan. So now I wasted a bunch of money and have to withdraw.

Work is slightly less daunting. I still haven't really made many friends but at least its less scary and I've even stopped taking my breaks locked in the bathroom. There're fewer things more disconcerting than watching people rub each other near your desk and then spending half your break opposite a toilet. Honestly, its just like high school.

But its not so bad. Most days are fairly uneventful and some days I can amuse myself by wistfully staring at the very intimidating yet attractive nurse nearby. I develop an impromtu speech impediment whenever he's around, but otherwise, that's one of my bright spots.

Also I got a huge delivery of books, and next week I have 5 whole days to actually relax and read them. This is an even brighter spot.

As for my family - I don't know. Honestly, what else should I expect? As much as I love my family, and am overall happy that we are finally reconnected, I have to take a realistic analysis of the unit. They are lovable often, but let's face it - I am surrounded by a group of religious wing-nuts who will condemn any alternative ways of life while their own "godly" paths consistently and leave them depressed, open to abuse and manipulation, and just a plethora of bad choices. My sister going back to ex husband for example. First of all... who DOES that? I told her, you're DIVORCED... that usually means final. But no, because my sister feels so guilty about GETTING divorced in the first place - as divorce is not in God's plan - she now feels that she should "give it another shot." For some context, know that this is the man who once sat on her until she couldnt breathe and broke her toe. He also used to kidnap her daughter during an argument as emotional blackmail. He is also the one who propositioned me for sex.

A real winner.

My mother, while all this stuff was happening (I was in Ohio and not speaking with anybody at the time), used to encourage my sister to stay with him because "marriage is good" and "divorce is bad." She has since seen the error of this train of thought but now you see, the words have made their impression and that repugnant idiot is now back in my sister's life and by association, ours too.

I'm grossed out, frankly.

So I still have the 'soap opera' life. Except this time, my personal story line is the most tame of all the others weaving in through this season's drama.

It actually isn't as comforting as you might expect.
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby Delaney » Thu Nov 14, 2013 10:44 am

"Food! Food! Glorious food!"

Only if you can keep it down.

Its possible I may have overdone it a little. By keeping myself occupied at every turn my body finally started refusing to process food in protest. It has been quite the inconvenience these past few days. Last night Marky brought me some food that actually did stay and do what it was supposed to, so I think I'm on the other side now.

A few nights previously, after spending most of my time working and catching up on sleep with intervals of avoiding the world altogether, my friends suggested I try going out. I thought sure, why not?

Actually, that's not entirely true. I had thought, goddammit, I HAVE to go out anyway tonight. It was the night of my sister's jewelry party - like tupperware but you know, with overpriced jewelry- a business venture she had gone into with her ex mom-in-law, (because THAT'S still happening). My mother and I were of course obligated to go in an effort to support Sarah (sis), but we were dreading seeing the ex-mom-in-law, Lee, and hoping against hope that her nasty ex-hub she's currently dating again wouldn't be hanging around.

So Mom was going for Sarah. I was going for Mom. And due to some ingenuity on my part, my friend Cindy was now going for me.

Cindy, another homebody and a friend from work - one of like, 3 - was the one who suggested we go out and see what having a life is all about. This was where I shanghaied her into going with me to the party as a sort of.... condition. She said yes.

So we got all dressed up, looked great, made it to the party. Sarah's disgusting ex WAS there and I glared at him the whole time... I just dare you to try and hug me you smarmy @$$hole... my mother sat in a corner as far away as possible, presumably to avoid contracting any airborne "ick"... and then Cindy and I went out.

We got into the car and then it occurred to us...

Me: Where are we going?
C: I don't know. Where to people go?
Me: I don't know. What do people DO?
C: I have no idea.
Me: I know what *I* do.
C: You read. I watch babies all day.
Me: I feel like we should be more creative about this.
C: Soooo...?

In the end, we went to a local jazz and blues place. We went because they have good music, pool tables, drinks and food, and most importantly... it was the only place I knew.

I don't get out much. I think I've said this before. My recreation has the somewhat dismal tendency to be work-related or reading several books at once. If I didn't work, I don't think I would ever leave the house. I'd end up like Howard Hughes curled up in a corner of my bedroom somewhere, watching my fingernails grow long and collecting my pee in jars and talking to the wallpaper...

::shudder::

With that said, it was a bit of an awkward night. It was fine at first. We each got to talk alot and had about 2 drinks, a plate of nachos and then...

:twiddling thumbs::

Me: Well... its almost 9...
C: Yeah...
Me: What else do people do?
C: Um... I really don't know. Should we go?
Me: Probably.

We're such rowdy partyers.

So, experiment = mixed results.

The other experimental endeavor of engaging in higher education again has also had mixed/bad results.

The professor is unyielding about that godsdamn B.

This is really upsetting. Honestly, I haven't been so insulted in a very long time. Before I took up this major, I decided to get the juices flowing, I would try my hand at somebody else's work - just to be sure I wasn't in over my head after all these years away from college. It was easy to find people willing to pay me to do their essays... they practically lined up. I had nursing papers, psych papers, history papers, english papers... from kids going to all different schools... and I got all As. No "formatting" issues there! Hell, I didn't even take the class. Most of the time I didn't even have a BOOK. Just impeccable Googling.

And this lofty bastard has the nerve to give me a B!

Like it isn't difficult enough for me to try getting internet access for some of this stuff, like I didn't jump through hoop to fiery hoop just to write this guy 5 pages of responses on a weekly basis, essay after essay after essay... and he gives me a B.

I withdrew. No more hoops. I wouldn't have given up except the way this guy grades a student can ONLY lose points. He gives you your A, and then you maintain it. But once it becomes a B you can only go lower, and that is simply not an option. Not for all the work I did, not for all the running around and getting library computers shutting me out in the middle of my homework and all the frustration of doing things over and over again...

No.

It is amazing to me that I could get As on other people's papers, from better schools mind you, not just my lowly community college level... get glowing marks on these papers plus an extra 50-100 dollars in my pocket, and the one time I work so hard for a good grade and slap down 600 dollars for it... I get the "unforgiving" guy as my professor.

Ugh.

But, I remind myself, from the get-go I knew this was all experimental. So perhaps this is not a failure, but an opportunity to do some re-working. It also allows me to explore other majors that I never got around to learning about as in depth as I wanted.

So I have a tour set up for mortuary school. Not a major I would talk about too much because most people would respond with a *creep* look, but it is something I've always been interested in and I might as well figure out what its all about.

Onward.
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Delaney
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Postby Delaney » Sat Jan 18, 2014 5:04 am

I am currently endeavoring to not dub this new year "the year of disapointment."

For one thing, its too soon to tell.

The other option is for me to simply view the dismal start of the new year as the preliminary purging of all bad to make room for the good. On my more level-headed and optimistic days, this idea comes to the forefront.

But when I'm moody and facing - even a very superficial - loss, "year of disapointments" starts to ring truer.

My bad mood caused by my breakup continues to bleed into every single day and night. Even when I manage to distract myself with emotionally appropriate activities, even when I can quiet my mind during the times I am awake, by the time it finally seems safe to lie down and be still, memories and what-ifs come back and flood every other musing in its path. Sometimes I'll fall asleep happily only to wake up groggy with a head full of memories.

I'm being haunted by the ghost of sh*theads past.

I'm also unusually moody, even for me.

The new year literally opened with me having abdominal pain so persistent I actually had to go to a few doctors to figure out what it was. I lost vacation time that I had been saving, have some fun new bills to pay, and still the problem pretty much cleared on its own.

My sister's insanity is progressing nicely. She still insists on being in a terrible situation with her ex-husband and now is around more than ever. She actually told me she doesn't even like him, doesn't like being with him, and he does not make her happy at all.

So WHY is she subjecting herself and the entire family to his damaging influence?

My sister's answer: ::shrug::

Now it is rumoured that she wants to bring him to our family vacation - the one my sister and mother planned only for the three of us and my neice. Now she wants to make us travel to FL with him and let him tag along.

So we can all be unhappy at the same time, presumably.

But today's bummed out mood can be attributed to mostly one thing. It's the quietest complaint I have, but the most looming.

A person I never talk to is leaving my workplace.

We NEVER talk to each other.

I f he's around, the room is suddenly warm, I forget everything I was doing, and I avoid eye contact desperately. If he talks to me I respond with nothing but curt one-word responses. When he's not around, my job is alot easier. I can focus. I am comfortable.

But I'm going to really miss being uncomfortable. And trying to discreetly peek at him when he's around only to quickly duck behind my desk when looks up. I'm going to miss the random body temperature fluctuations. I'm going to miss being scatterbrained during even the simplest task due to distraction. I'm going to miss pretending to ignore him. I think I might miss that the most.

We are obviously not close. Perhaps that's why I feel so much for him.

Goodbye Mr. Nobody. I'm going to really miss not getting to know you.
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby Delaney » Thu Feb 06, 2014 4:29 am

A long time ago I wrote about a panic attack I had while living in Ohio. I described it as a Jenga tower, with random incidents poking out my tolerance one by one, until finally there is nothing left but for the tower to collapse.

This is not that.

But today did come to a head.

But instead of a Jenga tower, I don't even feel like I had a whole tower to begin with. It's more of a beast of burden feel. Still pressurized but in a different way; instead of everything poking at me from all sides, the feeling reminds me of a camel bearing a heavy load while traveling a great distance. A load the camel is relatively accustomed to. A familiar load. But carried over time a long way.

Anyways.

I feel like a camel.

And the a$$hole guys in the world are still a$$holes, my living arrangement with my mom is problematic but not anything I haven't been through before, and the rest of my family is becoming increasingly annoying, but the absurdity itself is not unusual.

Eventually though, something will give.

This morning there was a snowstorm. It came down so fast driving home was a challenge and pretty scary in some parts, I couldn't get up my driveway so I had to park in front of somebody's house so I could shovel it - all after being at work 12 hours mind you - and still my car wouldn't make it up.

Then I had to park in a public lot about 1/2 mile away from my home, and walk the rest of the way there.

I was TIRED.

I had also discovered that night that the 2 week vacation my family had been painstakingly planning for months I would be unable to attend, because the sick time I used up wouldn't allow my work to give me the time off.

I was TIRED.

And before that, my best friend Mark, my mom, and a friend from work all got uppity with me because I haven't been the most communicative. As in, I break plans and never call.

But I'm TIRED.

And living with my mother has proved more costly than I had imagined. The rent is cheap but she makes me weary. She has some serious paranoia issues, waits until I go somewhere so she can poke around my private space and even go through my drawers (what is she going to find??? I'm going on 30! Geesh...), and randomly accuse me of doing something sinister if I so much as leave the house to go to the dollar store.

Seriously. THAT happened.

I had thought she was better controlled after all these years but she is worse than ever. She won't get help. Jesus helps her.

Jesus is sleeping on the job.

But all this... familiar. I never even said "boo."

But today... I was TIRED.

And when I finally got into the house my room had been rummaged through, drawers had been opened and things flipped through... things moved...

Now I am not a picky neat freak type. At all. The chaos of a well-designed visual example of the concept of entropy is pretty much how I like my space.

But my space is my space. It is for me. Not for feeding someone's paranoia or curiosity.

And something gave. The camel got tired.

First there was talking. Very shortly thereafter there were raised voices.

And I said what I really hoped I wouldn't have to say.

It's time to move out.

To be honest, I'm a little relieved that I can't go on the vacation. I think now that 2 weeks stuck in a van with two of the craziest people I know and no escape was probably an idea birthed in hell.

I'm on the search now for a new arrangement. The only thing I hope is that I can have enough time to find a GOOD one, but I'm about 90 percent sure I'll land on my feet. I usually do.

And funnily enough, when it comes to mind/body/living arrangement well-being, I always seem to do better without the fam around. I had good reasons for leaving the family for 3 odd years - and those reasons are coming back to me.

Financially though, I've always had to struggle. But you know, now I have an actual decent job that pays a living wage...

Just thinking about moving out is honestly improving my mood. I think this is the right thing to do.

But until my plans come to fruition, I have a short term plan.

I do need a vacation. And I don't even need time off for it. I need a few days, an empty cheap motel room, a bottle of wine, and a bunch of books.

And then I'll turn my phone off.

And I'll just escape.

I've been wanting that for a really long time. Well, since I moved out of my old apartment.

(The camel is on the move...)
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby Delaney » Thu Feb 20, 2014 8:52 pm

This is turning into the bitch blog. Has it always been that way?

I'm slightly jealous... of my alter ego.

I recently learned - just when I was starting to truly enjoy work - that there are a slew of truly interesting rumors about me at work. I guess they made the rounds a couple times and finally I got to hear what I was up to lately.

The sad thing is that the rumors are way more interesting than my actual life... which kind of adds insult to injury.

The first thing that came back to me was that I am apparently dating one of my friends.

This one is tricky, because not only am I supposedly dating him but I am the 'other woman', as he is engaged to a girl I used to babysit for.

I haven't been the 'other woman' for quite some time, thankyouverymuch... I was kind of proud of that. Now my efforts have been shot to hell. What a waste of good behavior.

Furthermore, I recently sent out an email to my co-workers regarding help with getting a 2 week vaca off in April. It's that one to Florida with my psychotic family.

But if you ask anybody I work with, I am not only involved in an affair with this person, but he is going on this vaca with me. It is rumored to be a romantic getaway.

I really wonder how people figure he's going to hide this from his fiance.

Then the other day I wore a knee length scrub skirt to work as opposed to the usual scrub pants.

This caused a minor ruckus... because women are bitchy.

Unbelieveable.

Also some people still think I'm engaged... so that adds dramtic flair to the first two fun rumours.

Rumor Del is having a hell of alot more fun than I am.

Ever since Mr. Nobody left my department I haven't really paid any attention to anybody anyways. I'm kind of disenchanted. Anyone nice is married and the only other person who remotely impresses me is extremely intimidating. Yeah, again. Just another scary person I can't bring myself to even look in the eye. Also I'm pretty sure doesn't know who I am. But at least that means most of the time, I can avoid getting all nervous.

I need to stop enjoying people who scare the sh*t out of me.

But on the plus side, when he is around he often plays good music, which can occasionally discourage or drown out the horrible pop music that so many of my co-workers are partial to. It's nice to know that there are people out there with, you know... taste.

Besides,my only other option would be to like... go out and meet people... ::shudder::

Yeah, that'll happen.

My mini vacation away from any and all human beings was lovely. Just me and imaginary people in books, and I got to catch up on a few PBS documentaries.

Cuz I'm badass like that. Partying like a rockstar.

My life is really boring. I need to shake it up... it still won't resemble my rumors... but jesus, it should at least be able to compete...
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby Delaney » Sun Mar 02, 2014 6:12 am

There is still snow on the ground.

There are chunks of ice that stubbornly refuse to chip or melt off my driveway.

The wind chill could take your breath away, and often does.

And the temperature goes anywhere from below zero to high of 30 degrees.

But don't let that fool you - Spring is here.

Signs include rumors of robin sightings, patches of grass struggling to live, the prodominent color choice of the women at my workplace suddenly becoming hot pink (including myself), and most importantly... I'm getting hit on left and right.

5+ months of being single and the only people shelling out compliments or advances are those who take too much medication or not enough of it.

Hearing, "The voices tell me to kill people," followed immediately by "You have beautiful eyes," tends to lie a little flat on reception.

So suddenly, literally beginning this week and only this week, the gods overseeing the layout of Del's personal life have gotten off their groggy a$$es and and are clearly trying to make up for lost time.

It's a little haphazard. This week alone, 2 people have asked me out, 1 stranger has been asking about hooking up, another stranger bellowed that I am "SOOOO hot!" and I was also invited into a polyamorous relationship.

Yeah. I know :roll:

That last one is the second to most interesting: my "drive-by" guy - you know, the one you keep in the wings for rainy days but never get serious about - is the one who proposed this arrangement to me. He was texting me out of the blue one day, and as he was telling me about his new life in Virginia, he segways to: "You should move here. You would like my girlfriend."

Move there? To Virginia?

What the f**k would I do in Virginia? Hunt moose?

I guess the plan would be to move me in, get me a job, and enjoy free-lovin' poly fun.

Which I'm not against on principle... but where the hell is this coming from all of a sudden?

Well, anyway. I logged it away as food for thought.

But the most fortuitous of these has been the one new guy being particularly adorable and giving me his number. And it is too new to even go into right now - might just fizzle. But for now, it is fun, it is passionately enjoyable, and I haven't felt this good in a looooong while.

I just think it's funny that it is all happening at once. But hey, I wanted a more interesting life, and it isn't like I was making any headway on my own.

I like this "life coming to me" thing. I can work with this.

So go ahead, Del gods. Sprinkle an extra dose of initiative on positive circumstances! At least I won't be bored...

But I'm staying away from Virginia.
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby Nephtalius » Sun Mar 09, 2014 4:20 am

Man, I haven't logged into WordTrip for YEARS.

I miss all my old friends. I do drop by occasionally, without logging in, mostly so I can read your blog, Del.

I wonder how the other people I used to know are. Jill, you still live in Idaho?? Is TimberLine around?? Anblick still in the military??

And all the others: Hope you're having a good 2014.
Ethics are so annoying. I avoid them on principle. -- Bucky in the Get Fuzzy comic strip.
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Postby Delaney » Thu Mar 20, 2014 2:41 am

Hi Neph! Its been a long time since I've seen that scary face, but I think of you everytime I watch a Buffy episode ;) (Which I still do btw... to an embarassing degree... :oops: )

I've seen Timber on here a few times, Neph... I know Anblick is on FB alot from what I can tell... but I also come here primarily to visit my blog, so I may not be the most reliable source...
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby Delaney » Thu Mar 20, 2014 4:48 am

So I have nothing decent to report. The bitch blog continues un-impeded.

1. Last week my sister and I had breakfast together, and she took the opportunity to lay a heavy on me. Very un-fun. I was stunned, didn’t have anything to say about it really. She cried, told me she was sorry for all the baggage I’d been carrying for 15 years, and that I had “had kind of a shi**y life.” Not willing to go into the details right now… but let’s just say it hasn’t improved my opinion of my mother any. I wouldn’t have even believed my sister necessarily, but she had proof.
My family is seriously f*cked up.

2. My uncle died of a stroke last Thursday. He was 64. Other than the obvious emotional strain that accompanies this kind of thing, I had to forfeit moving out from my increasingly undesirable living situation because I JUST couldn’t be that kind of a$$hole and leave my mom all alone right after her brother died so suddenly. Not that my presence really adds anything. Due to the aforementioned news, it has been harder and harder not to actively scream in her presence.

3. My new exciting ‘relationship’ is almost certainly going to fizzle out. Well, as it turns out, it kind of has to. Again, not into re-hashing to details but… at first I thought it was just what I wanted… something casual. And I could still go for that. The thing that sometimes gets lost on people with the whole “friends with benefits” arrangement is the “friend” part. I may have mistook his being extroverted and very congenial as actual favor.

Perhaps I’m taking it all a little personal. Benefit of the doubt certainly applies at this point.

Still… I am having a BAD day. I am having a BAD 2014. My family is f*cking horrible, full of just… HORRIBLE people, my uncle just died last Thursday AT MY WORK WHILE I WAS WORKING and when I mention that I’m not feeling so hot the response is a flip “That happens.” This is after the guy just spent like, a WEEK telling me about his living situation and his cats. Seriously, took almost the whole break. And all in response to :So did you get any sleep?

4. And the nail in the coffin goes to…. My friend, my confidante, my gym buddy… pretty much the only person who gave a sh*t about me when I first started at work… has become a GIGANTIC a$$hole ever since I started ‘dating’ this new guy. Not just bailing out on plans or something… I understand that. I do that all the time. But actually coming over to my desk, and after a quick hello and with a big smile on his face, and either argues about something or makes insulting offhand comments. The ONE person in this place that I had total confidence in for a friendship. I cried to this guy about my lapsed engagement. We shared almost everything about our lives, good and bad. And now he’s just another a$$hole.
Also, like out of nowhere, as soon as he realized I was paying romantic attention to someone he kinda knew, he switched shifts altogether. Like in a matter of a week. Literally.
And so here’s what it comes down to.
I don’t want much. I want peace and quiet at home, which I can’t get. I want friendly people to talk to, I want nice people around. Mixed results.
I understand that just because I’m having a terrible month… ETC…. I can’t expect empathy in excess.
But is it really… REALLY… too much to ask of someone….
… to not GO OUT OF THEIR WAY TO BE AN A$$HOLE!?
Well, is it?
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby Delaney » Tue Apr 08, 2014 5:23 am

There is so much to say.

However, at this moment - Bukowski says it best:

"at their best, there is gentleness in Humanity.
some understanding and, at times, acts of
courage
but all in all it is a mass, a glob that doesn't
have too much.
it is like a large animal deep in sleep and
almost nothing can awaken it.
when activated it's best at brutality,
selfishness, unjust judgments, murder.

what can we do with it, this Humanity?

nothing.

avoid the thing as much as possible.
treat it as you would anything poisonous, vicious
and mindless.
but be careful. it has enacted laws to protect
itself from you.
it can kill you without cause.
and to escape it you must be subtle.
few escape.

it's up to you to figure a plan.

I have met nobody who has escaped.

I have met some of the great and
famous but they have not escaped
for they are only great and famous within
Humanity.

I have not escaped
but I have not failed in trying again and
again.

before my death I hope to obtain my
life."

from blank gun silencer - 1994
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby Delaney » Wed Apr 30, 2014 2:34 am

Dear future Del: I am about to impart to you a very important piece of advice. I write this now as I am currently in the thick of what COULD'VE been avoidable family drama. But it is unavoidable. It is loud and obnoxious - reflective of the subjects themselves - and has been ringing in my ears for months now.

Now, staving off a mental breakdown and possible homicide attempts, I write this VERY VERY important letter to you... because I know - I KNOW - that someday, against all of your instincts and better judgment, you will be in a similar position that you were in not so long ago. A position to open the door to reconnecting with family and a forgivness and openness that can only lead to....

THE UNAVOIDABLE.

I re-state that word because I need that to leave the most lasting impression on you. Because you forget. You will forget during whatever state of open-mindness; some sentimental event or kind word will change your mind and you bend towards that Rockwellian ideal you have always harbored inside.

And so I tell you now - and please don't think me too harsh... remember, I know best... you WILL forget when the season comes around again... and this advice will take you much farther in the direction of a full and vibrant life than not...

Pay attention...

Very carefully...

Now,

DO NOT EVER RECONNECT WITH YOUR FAMILY EVER AGAIN.

EVER.

EVER.

Not for weddings. Not for funerals. Not for the motherf***ing apocolypse. Best you just ride that sh*t out on your own, trust me.

And don't be fooled by the sentimentality, random acts of kindness or even drunken impulses at 3am... Do NOT reconnect with your family!

There will not be hugs and kisses all around, there will not be closure for past grievances. There will be no change of heart, there will be no change of mind, there will be no benefit of experience, there will only be sh*t upon sh*t upon more gross sh*t.

Hey, I'm sorry Del, really I am. But I only say this because I know that years from now, after we have struggled and found our foothold again and our life no longer resembles a B-grade melodramatic psych thriller, you will forget what brought you so far out of yourself in the first place. And they will call you, and they will try to convince you that there is something intrinsically wrong with who you are, and they will try to "fix" you. And that f*ck with you everytime. Because you'll let them try what they want - to be diplomatic. To be accomodating. Because you were trained to feel guilty if you don't.

But NEVER, EVER, LET THEM BACK IN.

EVER.

(The sh*tstorm you will encounter with these people is UNAVOIDABLE.)

(Unavoidable.)

Much love - Del
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Delaney
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Postby Delaney » Tue May 20, 2014 4:33 am

Random Updates:

1. I have started going to the gym again.

A funny thing starts to happen once a person hits 25... everything starts to decline. For example, one morning you may wake up after having spent the previous night downing a vast array of fine (or not-so-fine) alcoholic beverages and find that you are now the proud owner of a headache from hell. Or, you spend the better of your early 20's chain smoking and suddenly around 25, you find an inhaler is something you now have to carry with you EVERYWHERE.

OR... you're at work and somebody asks for a chair, a chair that is very lightweight mind you - and even though you can manage working 12 hrs in wedges - you start to wonder if its NORMAL to be winded just by carrying a plastic chair like 4 feet to the next room.

Likewise, I found that my normal sedentary lifestyle - which up until a few months ago I felt was a perfectly valid existence that should be celebrated, godsblessamerica - isn't exactly doing me any favors. So I roped in one of my buddies at work and convinced him to go with me to keep me accountable.

I lost about 15 lbs.

The side effect of this is that I was getting asked out like crazy. And I won't lie, I was kind of loving it. Because your average insecure chubby redhead doesn't always get to experience positive attention as often as you might think.

Unfortunately, after awhile I couldn't shake the idea that 15 lbs really shouldn't make a person so SUDDENLY date-worthy. I mean, I basically look the same. *I* always thought I was pretty cute, even before going to the gym. Why does 15 lbs. make such a difference in how people treat me? Life shouldn't work that way.

So I decided to get fat.

I've been slacking off for weeks now. Eating pizza, chocolate, you name it... and not giving a f*ck about working out.

But now I feel like crap. Who'da thunk it?

Also, the buddy I had turned out to be kind of a d-bag. I haven't actually confronted him about this... we just stopped hanging out for the most part. I think it may be time for that ship to drift quietly away....

But I decided to start again, and my bestie Mark is going to do it with me so we can encourage each other. We're also using the MyFitnessPal app so that's been fun.

Oh, and I got a ROWING MACHINE! :D Yeah, I'm really excited about that. I actually shelled out the $$ for an exercise machine and I cannot wait to break it in.

2. My passionate love affair is a little volatle.

I've 'broken up" with him twice, insofar as one CAN break up with a person who can't actually commit to you anyway.

The first time I called it off was because I was HEAVILY disliking this 'casual' arrangement. It made me feel used. I mean yeah, yeah... you've got a situation... I understand, but it still sucks if you're me. I never see you... we never talk... the only time we're together is when we're getting our rocks off... so forget it. No more.

This resolute attitude lasted all of 2 weeks, because I shortly discovered that my libido has all the willpower of a lemming charging full speed ahead off a cliff.

Pathetic.

Then I called it quits again. Except this time, I was LIVID. Now that I can look back on the situation I think I may have accidentally spurred it on, but he was being an obnoxious little twit and this time, I swear I felt my heart ACHE.

We barely spoke for a month.

Then I happened to bump into him and he confronted me and oh, those old feelings. Dammit.

You have to understand though... this guy is adorable. Charming, sexy blue eyes... really tall... nice shoulders... great voice... *sigh*

Ugh. I'm making myself sick.

But seriously, if you met him, you would understand.

The talk went well, and ever since he's been, dare I even suggest - almost boyfriend-ly. Actually on my radar. Its really nice.

And just in time for him to be on vacation for a week. Lucky me.

I'm missing him alot. Not that I would tell him that, but...

I really have no idea where this is going to go. It has an expiration date I'm sure, which means I probably have no business even allowing myself to enter into any relationship with this guy but... well... I can't help myself.

ALSO...

3. Being a 29 yr old single female blows. Why? Because my dating prospects are roughly this: people under 23 or married men.

Seriously. No middle ground. That's all I get. Married men of varying ages and creepiness and boys who look like they've just started shaving. It's uncanny. And the gigantic gap that exists is just filled wth more taken, married, or otherwise unavailable people.

Makes me feel real good about not marrying the first ( or second... or third... ) person who offered me a ring/impreganted me. This is what I get for waiting for "the ONE" that really should've shown up by now. This is what I get for being picky. For waiting. For tossing out the outdated social standard of getting hitched and raising children before I ever hit 25. For holding out for someone who deserves me.

I waited until there was no one left, apparently.

But I do have my... my... my... guy... for however THAT develops...

I'm interested to see what, if anything, can possibly come out of this.
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Delaney
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Postby Delaney » Tue May 20, 2014 4:59 am

Random Updates:

1. I have started going to the gym again.

A funny thing starts to happen once a person hits 25... everything starts to decline. For example, one morning you may wake up after having spent the previous night downing a vast array of fine (or not-so-fine) alcoholic beverages and find that you are now the proud owner of a headache from hell. Or, you spend the better of your early 20's chain smoking and suddenly around 25, you find an inhaler is something you now have to carry with you EVERYWHERE.

OR... you're at work and somebody asks for a chair, a chair that is very lightweight mind you - and even though you can manage working 12 hrs in wedges - you start to wonder if its NORMAL to be winded just by carrying a plastic chair like 4 feet to the next room.

Likewise, I found that my normal sedentary lifestyle - which up until a few months ago I felt was a perfectly valid existence that should be celebrated, godsblessamerica - isn't exactly doing me any favors. So I roped in one of my buddies at work and convinced him to go with me to keep me accountable.

I lost about 15 lbs.

The side effect of this is that I was getting asked out like crazy. And I won't lie, I was kind of loving it. Because your average insecure chubby redhead doesn't always get to experience positive attention as often as you might think.

Unfortunately, after awhile I couldn't shake the idea that 15 lbs really shouldn't make a person so SUDDENLY date-worthy. I mean, I basically look the same. *I* always thought I was pretty cute, even before going to the gym. Why does 15 lbs. make such a difference in how people treat me? Life shouldn't work that way.

So I decided to get fat.

I've been slacking off for weeks now. Eating pizza, chocolate, you name it... and not giving a f*ck about working out.

But now I feel like crap. Who'da thunk it?

Also, the buddy I had turned out to be kind of a d-bag. I haven't actually confronted him about this... we just stopped hanging out for the most part. I think it may be time for that ship to drift quietly away....

But I decided to start again, and my bestie Mark is going to do it with me so we can encourage each other. We're also using the MyFitnessPal app so that's been fun.

Oh, and I got a ROWING MACHINE! :D Yeah, I'm really excited about that. I actually shelled out the $$ for an exercise machine and I cannot wait to break it in.

2. My passionate love affair is a little volatle.

I've 'broken up" with him twice, insofar as one CAN break up with a person who can't actually commit to you anyway.

The first time I called it off was because I was HEAVILY disliking this 'casual' arrangement. It made me feel used. I mean yeah, yeah... you've got a situation... I understand, but it still sucks if you're me. I never see you... we never talk... the only time we're together is when we're getting our rocks off... so forget it. No more.

This resolute attitude lasted all of 2 weeks, because I shortly discovered that my libido has all the willpower of a lemming charging full speed ahead off a cliff.

Pathetic.

Then I called it quits again. Except this time, I was LIVID. Now that I can look back on the situation I think I may have accidentally spurred it on, but he was being an obnoxious little twit and this time, I swear I felt my heart ACHE.

We barely spoke for a month.

Then I happened to bump into him and he confronted me and oh, those old feelings. Dammit.

You have to understand though... this guy is adorable. Charming, sexy blue eyes... really tall... nice shoulders... great voice... *sigh*

Ugh. I'm making myself sick.

But seriously, if you met him, you would understand.

The talk went well, and ever since he's been, dare I even suggest - almost boyfriend-ly. Actually on my radar. Its really nice.

And just in time for him to be on vacation for a week. Lucky me.

I'm missing him alot. Not that I would tell him that, but...

I really have no idea where this is going to go. It has an expiration date I'm sure, which means I probably have no business even allowing myself to enter into any relationship with this guy but... well... I can't help myself.

ALSO...

3. Being a 29 yr old single female blows. Why? Because my dating prospects are roughly this: people under 23 or married men.

Seriously. No middle ground. That's all I get. Married men of varying ages and creepiness and boys who look like they've just started shaving. It's uncanny. And the gigantic gap that exists is just filled wth more taken, married, or otherwise unavailable people.

Makes me feel real good about not marrying the first ( or second... or third... ) person who offered me a ring/impreganted me. This is what I get for waiting for "the ONE" that really should've shown up by now. This is what I get for being picky. For waiting. For tossing out the outdated social standard of getting hitched and raising children before I ever hit 25. For holding out for someone who deserves me.

I waited until there was no one left, apparently.

But I do have my... my... my... guy... for however THAT develops...

I'm interested to see what, if anything, can possibly come out of this.
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby Delaney » Wed Jun 04, 2014 2:06 am

During certain periods in my life, I have a few go-to books I like to keep close by.

Throughout high school I re-read the Harry Potter series a thousand times. I remember I had just moved from our big, 2 floor, almost cumbersome home into a much smaller, much sknnier Victorian in another town, and my new room in the attic, though I liked it very much, reminded me of Harry squatting in his little "cupboard under the stairs." Also his family were all full of snobs who couldn't find a good thing about him, so I felt we had a lot in common in that arena.

When I went on hiatus from any/all contact with family members a couple years ago, I re-read the Baudelaire adventures. The three orphans are continuously being thrust into strange and ill-fitting environments, and they never find someone who consistently cares for them from one book to the next. I related to their always hopping around to different homes and interm-families... I move alot. Throughout much of the books the 3 children are often left to fend for themselves, even in the company of a guradian. And usually, however well-intentioned their guardians might be - in the end the orphans always end up alone.

But my current escape-ism literature of the moment is The Wonderful World of OZ. For the cyclones and the Scarecrow.

Avoiding my family is going to become astoundingly easy. My mother and sister went on their two week vacation to FL, and when they came back, they announced they were moving there.

At first they were planning on moving in a year.

Now they are working toward moving this summer.

All of this sort of makes distancing myself much easier, but it does mean I have to speed up my own moving plans. I went from thinking I had a little time to possibly having VERY little time.

This was decided so quickly, I felt it was a bit out of character for my mom, especially to just up and leave her job, church and family here. I questioned the impulsivity - is this because of my uncle dying? Are these the rash decisions of a grieving family member or are they the whimsical plans of a person seizing a good opportunity???

My mother told me that although it was fast, she had thought it all out and was sure she wanted to go. She's moving to a retirement community where they have Bible clubs, potlucks, and church 24/7. Mom's idea of heaven-on-earth. I realize though, that this probably is going to be very good for her. She desperately needs some better company than the people around her and she will enjoy having like-minded souls in neighboring condos.

Its weird though. So abrupt.

I think I did convince her not to sell the house though. Her tiny Victorian is not only paid off, but generates income. She put alot of herself into it too. She had always wanted to live in a Victorian house, and this house was her pride and joy. I guess part of me never thought she'd ever have the heart to leave it. Now... home is being uprooted.

CYCLONE!

In the only other area of my life that is of any interest...

I finally got to have my heart-to-heart with my non-boyfriend. I'll be honest, I was optimistic for a satisfying conclusion to the "what are we/ can we be more" question.

The answer was no.

Deeeeeeflated.

It wasn't a bad conversation, we opened up a little. I explained my feelings, and he explained that he cared about me, and he wanted to see more of me and grow closer... but that we would never, ever, become anything more than that. We would not be falling in love, we will never have a future, we will just be this.

He was very sweet about it, but I still wanted to rip him a new one.

But that is just so much misplaced anger. After all, in theory at least, I understand. But I can't say that I REALLY understand the whole thing. I would really like to count myself among those who enjoy casual relationships... be 'cool' enough where that kind of lassiaz-faire lifestyle makes any kind of sense to me up close.

I guess I'm not that cool.

I want to be in love. I love love! I love falling in love, being in love, showing love, recieving love... I love it all.

But I have no one to love. This guy was my best shot, and its never gonna happen. Any daydreaming I've had where our relationship culminated into a loving, long term one is now replaced by Dorothy navigating OZ with a scarecrow, because that's all I realistically have anymore.

He's my relationship scarecrow. It's not the real thing, he's just standing in.

"Hour after hour passed away, and slowly Dorothy got over her fright; but she felt quite lonely, and the wind shrieked so loudly all about her that she nearly became deaf. At first she had wondered if she would be dashed to pieces when the house fell again; but as the hours passed and nothing terrible happened, she stopped worrying and resolved to wait calmly and see what the future would bring."
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby Delaney » Mon Aug 11, 2014 1:43 am

I am not a fan of the summer months.

For one thing everybody leaves. Summer is responsible for a profusion of absences staggered over 3 months. And its a good thing it's staggered too, otherwise I'd be going through some serious withdrawl... which is pathetic because it isn't even as though I'm talking about friends or even people I talk to on a regular basis. Just people I see at work every week. But still. Summertime needs to cut the sh*t...

Then there's all the pressure to have fun.

And the sunshine and warmth becomes oppressive... all heat and stickiness and everybody saying, "It's beautiful out! Take advantage of this weather!"

That only pertains to the part of the population that ENJOYS heat and sunshine. To the rest of us these sunny suggestions are just pressure to go out and do things you'd rather not do AND do it uncomfortably.

And to throw in a little more of my PERSONAL summer experiences...

Well, in case you were wondering whatever happened to my family insanity, my mother and sister and neice are currently in Florida right now, sharing a studio apartment, jobless, plan-less, and hanging their very livlihood on the chroniclly unemployed ex-husband-in-law, a tractor trailer truck driver who has proved himself over the years to be more unstable than a weeble-wobble. The house my mother invested so much in (as well as where I spent my teenage years) is going to be rented out eventually, and since the move was so abrupt since the idea's first inception in April, I have been forced out.

Now that is not to say that I didn't want to leave. I did, and had actually secured a room to rent before any of this was going on. But this summer I also had to deal with a slight scare at my work, where rumours were flying of unexpected changes, possible layoffs and the slashing of hours. So until everything got settled, I asked my mother if I could at least stay until I knew if I even had a job or not - to which she shook her head, and said, "No, I'm renting it out."

I think she was angry because I wouldn't go with her. Also, we still had not been getting along, and my family are not exactly giving people.

In any event, I am fortunate that the job prospect worked out okay. Not perfect, but all is well. I am still in transition - essentially living in 3 places - one of which is over and hour and a half from where I work. But its worth it. I'm finally out. My family is embarking on their own special crazy, and I already feel like I can... breathe.

While all this was happening, I am happy to report that I have finally met someone <3 She is LOVELY... sweet, thoughtful, athletic, motivated...

... and a total lovebug. Like me :)

Finally... someone who lets me love them!

My Scarecrow has been weirdly quiet about it... quiet as in snubbing me a little. Which, I have to say I personally do not understand considering HE is the one who told me no commitment, and HE is the one who only paid any attention to me when he thought there was going to be sex involved before dismissing me from his Jeep to the parking lot, and nary a word of friendly conversation in between. In fact, the very act of words coming from my mouth seemed to profoundly annoy him. He would always tell me to 'stop thinking and hurry up.' Or if I would tell him I wasn't 'in the mood' he would tell me to just lie there. My only appeal was being available whe he wanted me.

Chivalrous, I know.

Then the rest of the time I had to overhear him flirting with other girls right near me or watch him massage girls' shoulders while listening to him tell everybody within earshot just how AWESOME he is.

Also he got an earring. I think he's got some kind of mid-life crisis thing going on. I mean, it looks fine... I GUESS... its just...

There IS a guy at work who rocks an earring, but it looks pretty badass. When my Scarecrow showed up with it one day... it just looked like he was trying too hard.

Think 40-year-old frat boy behavior.

And now he seems to be doing this little 'poor me' routine.

And I'm trying to just ignore it, but a big part of me wants to take him aside and straighten him out. He's not SAD. He made it clear he had no feelings for me. So what we've got here is a bruised ego and toy-in-the-sandbox syndrome. Suddenly someone else is playing with the toy he didn't see any value in and now THAT'STHEBESTTOYEVERANDIWASN'TFINISHEDWITHITANDIT'SMYTOY!MINE!

Passive-agressive tantrums ensue.

But I'm happy. My girlfriend is attentive and loves it when I talk. She calls me her butterfly... because I told her that I'm ditzy and she said 'No, you're a butterfly. You flit and float and land gently from one flower to the next...'

We talk about what we want out of life and the challenges we've overcome and the ones we have yet to overcome... the unending ethical to-do list that wakes us at night and monoploizes our thoughts. Are we idealistic? Sure. But we really want... goodness. Lots of it. And we've discussed how we can bring that to our lives and others'.

These are traits and conversations I've been wanting to have with somebody!! I have been MISSING this...

And she's there for me, truly in my corner anytime I need her. And its a good thing, because although I've only written a blurb about the challenges this summer, it was all really quite distressing. Especially at the end.

Last week I knew my mom was leaving to FL soon and I've been so conflicted. On the one hand I'm just glad to be away... on the other hand, this is hands down the dumbest thing she's ever done. I'm convinced this is a grief stricken reaction to my Uncle dying recently, but she wouldn't listen to me. I said, go to FL, but wait until you have a plan. Wait a year. Or at least until you have a JOB. This is what all the books tell you not to do after suffering a major loss: don't sell your house, don't quit your job, don't make any rash life decisions until you've taken the time to grieve.

But what do I know.

And we were still arguing all the time, and I was going to take her out to say goodbye but... I couldn't. I just knew this was something I was SUPPOSED to do, but a feeling in my heart just kept me from seeing her again after I moved out. Something wasn't right.

So she moved. And I went back to the house to pick up the remnants of my things... the last time I would probably ever go in that house again.

The attic, where my bedroom was, was completely upturned. My mother had left some books, a few clothes...

And one more notable thing.

My pictures.

Of me.

Baby stuff, school pictures... even the frames. She left them all to be trashed.

We do passive-agression really WELL in this family.

Good one, mom.

And then I remembered the feeling, and I knew that this was why I couldn't bring myself to see her again. Because of little jabs and comments or absolutely any cheap shot that would make me feel small... there was no shortage of that around her, and it would hurt worse now...

But I was still lucky, because my girlfriend insisted on helping me, so I had a shoulder to cry on... and she sat there in the car and told me all the things she loved about me and all the ways she found me special and unique, and reminded me that family is NOT the most important thing in life. LOVE is. And where there's love, THAT'S your family.

It's nice to feel lovable again.

But that's why we talk about how important it is to have a kind word ready, an ear to listen... because you never know when somebody is currently love-starved, or just feeling like crap day in and day out and putting their game face on until the smoke clears. Before I started dating my girlfriend, it was the little things that got me through. Like a friend complimenting my skirt or someone thanking me for doing something a little extra, or in one slightly silly example, overhearing someone say they love redheads and despite the comment not being directed at me at all... I took it personally anyway. Because it had been a really bad month... and it helped a little.

So I'm optimistic about the rest of the year. Summer is almost over THANK GODS and it's cardigan season and I have a job, a home, and someone to love.

What more could a girl ask for?
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby Delaney » Sat Oct 18, 2014 9:07 pm

So after a brief reprieve... I am totally dejected.

Every day, those Americans fortunate enough to have employment in the current climate go in to their jobs, put up with a number of crap and usually a little bit of non-crap to balance things out and make the work day livable... and they go home and reap the benefits. The balance struck is the most important thing to maintain however.

Otherwise the dark cloud of work hovers and rains on you even when you aren't there.

The dark cloud has found me. It has been looking, it has been frustrated. Now its determined as hell, and its not going to take it anymore.

Let's break it down for you.

August: The people in my role are all in a frenzy because we get told we are going to lose our current schedules and positions and we have a month to rearrange our lives. Surprise! There were tears, panic attacks, meltdowns... you name it.

Still stuck through.

Sept: More schedule changes, some admittedly positive, date changed for our changing positions so have to rearrange everything again. Also I was living 1hr 1/2 from work at this point which often turned to 2 hrs depending on traffic, so super frustrating just to get to my job, not to mention several added meetings and trainings and more meetings and trainings.... lalalala...

Oh. And an infection I was fighting. Goodtimes.

Still stuck through.

Oct: Uniforms.

Now I have always hated uniforms, but we got shafted. Other people get nice, matching colors. I get the most bottom-of-the-barrel, sloppy, ill-fitting, nigh impossible to coordinate, uncomfortable, hot but yet not warm enough either, disgusting and demeaning combination. Literally, the colors don't match. And we have to wear them. EVERY DAY.

If that isn't enough, my ex-fiance, Francisco now works in the same dept. as me so he gets to check me out with his weepy stalker eyes. Little bastard tried to talk to me a couple times online and in the parking lot too.

So my black cloud has arrived, and is apparently staying.

Oh, and I got in trouble for doing something good. No good deed goes unpunished, have I mentioned that?

Honestly, at this point, a bird shitting on my head would be a more subtle sign from the cosmos. I mean this is on top of everything. The place has been so busy its been daunting even to go in. And even though sometimes I don't have neough time to even pee, the people who oversee our positions but DO NOT see us work think we don't do enough, so they pile MORE on. Exposure risks, people yelling or being obnoxious, trying to get team members to, I don't know, DO something in their job description is like getting blood out of a stone, and all the while the ever-present - "Watch out for so-and-so... they want you fired!"

And now I can't even look like a human being?

::dark cloud::

It is the second day of my wearing this abyssmal excuse for an ensemble, and I'm already scoping out opportunities to catch Ebola.

It just seems like the right next step.

Because a hospital gown would look better, for one.

But then so would a towel...

An asbestos suit...

But I have a few things to console me. My beautiful girlfriend, whom I exchanged committment rings with the other day...., like pre-pre engagement rings... yeah I know... but we couldn't help ourselves :-D

I am no longer far away from everything and so that has made travel alot easier.

I love my new roommates. One works at the same place I do and she and her fiance John are like the nicest people in the world. Seriously. NICEST. EVER. Nice to a fault. I have officially been enlisted by the household to be the designated badass. For example, John does recordings for people on the side, and some dude came over and was being a total a$$hole... so it is now my job to call him out for the dbag he is and kick him out if necessary so John doesn't have to lose business, but the law can be handed down.

Yeah, I'm the heavy.

THAT'S how nice these people are. Diplomats look like badasses next to them.

And John... getting to know John has been nice. We have bonded, and he is very easy to talk to. He makes these original - albeit often unorthodox - music videos and even the stupid ones are really funny. And tonight, before work I was feeling like absolute sh!# about... well everything work related, but the last straw is the damn uniform... and he told me the story of having to wear a mask and hair net at his last job. So whenever I start to look longingly at a random scalpel or begin to fantasize about jumping off the roof, I am supposed to imagine him in a hair net.

So we'll be revisiting this I'm sure...
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Delaney
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Postby Delaney » Mon Nov 10, 2014 3:33 am

Alot has transpired since I last wrote. Most notably, November is reportedly in Taurus, which may explain my not-so-enthusiastic attitude. Actually, I've been downright crabby.

But I can give you at least one reason why I'm just a tad BIT uncomfortable lately...

The ghost of sh*theads past, the ex-fiance... now works with me.

Not all the time, but he's moved positions... so now we overlap on a weekly sometimes daily basis.

And now he's picked up hours. When I work. Where I work. He can see my schedule every day. He stops and looks at me and then turns away. Then I'll catch him looking again.

So far he hasn't approached me... I'm hoping it stays that way.

But it is not okay.

And some people are like, "Don't worry about it."

Sure. I won't then. I'll just keep going along during the night working near someone who once slammed me up against a wall, threatened to punch me, and then threatened me with a big knife when I started moving out.

Easy breezy.
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby Delaney » Sat Nov 15, 2014 6:14 am

My horoscope tells me that in the coming months, I can look forward to many surprises. That sounded optimistic at first but it didn’t take long for me to remember that not all surprises are good. Still, there IS a chance, that everything is just simply going to be okay.

The biggest surprise so far? Francisco. I did (or my gf did, more accurately) speak to someone at work the night he kept hanging around. I was really reluctant to do that because I just thought, ‘Oh here we go. Drama at work. Fabulous. People will talk-because they always do-and who knows if management can even keep him away from me…” But Security was called so I could feel safe again, and he was apparently told to stay away from me.
What I just cannot fathom is why he went to all this trouble… I mean, he always had a few boundary issues. He has cornered my mother at work in the past just to bad-mouth me or, in a few cases, pass on “I’m sorry” kind of messages. He just doesn’t seem to know when to go away. And he never did take responsibility for the way things ended.

But its been over a YEAR since we broke it off. The guy has a new girlfriend! Just be happy and stay away already! Why seek me out still??? I JUST GOT OVER YOU PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE AND QUIT FOLLOWING MEEEEEEE….

Ugh.

But one thing I DO know… is no one will ever get the chance to shove me against a wall and brandish a knife at me again. I’ve been working out, and I’m trying to find some kind of self-defense class to take. NO ONE will even get the CHANCE… because threats and intimidation get old real quick, and I refuse to become my mother.

2. I go to visit my boys next weekend. This is going to be one of those “this could be great/This could be dismal” kind of situations, because Zach is now 10, and according to his adoptive mom he’s got a lot of “adult questions.”

The time has come to explain.

I always knew with an open adoption that someday I’m going to have to face my boys and explain why I placed them with a family, where their Dads went/are, and somehow, the whole story in a way that won’t demonize their fathers and reassure them of how much I love them. The last thing I want for these kids is to have abandonment issues by birthmom. Now Zach is curious, questioning, and next Saturday will be the big talk. The funny thing is, I’ve rehearsed this talk in my head a thousand times, and I still don’t know where to begin.
How do you explain to a 10 year old the choices you had to make about his life and who would raise him? How is he supposed to understand that I was too afraid to be a single mom, and even more afraid to marry his father? How do you explain in a sensitive manner that the little baby you carried was far too important to risk raising in any environment short of perfect, with parents who wanted children because they were prepared, stable, and just wanted a child they could love and keep safe?

And also that your birthmom was a little bit of a basket-case and thought it prudent not to raise innocent little beings when she can’t even figure out life for herself.

Anyways, so that’s been weighing on my mind.

Francisco’s presence inspired nightmares to come back, so sleep has been an issue as of late… which has not helped to keep Grendel in his labyrinth.

Oh right. Grendel. I should explain.

The part of me that twists and growls and wants to chew faces off grew to a magnitude that deserved its own name. That name is Grendel (trust me – it’s quite apropos). Grendel is cranky. Grendel hates everything. Grendel wants to eat you for breakfast.

Various ways of pacifying Grendel include LOTS of sleep, vigorous exercise everyday, various bad habits, and a lot of deep breathing.

Grendel feels like an entity of it’s own. In my heart, I can know that I want the best for people. I think the best of people. I work hard to look for the good, to be polite, accommodating….

So now that Grendel is making a major comeback, every day I feel like some kind of imposter… like, what if I’m not that nice after all? Why is everything getting to me and why are my nerves so exposed and shot that EVERYTHING seems to rouse Grendel? What if there is no free will after all and I am ultimately doomed to become like the rest of my family, which for me means either snotty and entitled or violent and perpetually cranky.

I feel like Harry Potter with the Sorting Hat… “…not Slytherin… NOT Slytherin…”

My ever-supportive girlfriend says she thinks I am a nice person by default, and Grendel is just on the defense because I feel attacked. Maybe… but at some point a person’s emotional work, being nice isn’t the same as being ethical – that takes a lot of study and thought and weighing moral quandaries against each other and after all THAT….

You have to face the demon you uncover in yourself.

Then you have to decide what to do with it.

I’ve come to the conclusion that Grendel needs to be managed, not just tamed or talked down. Grendel should be utilized when appropriate, when righteous indignation dictates, when action needs to be taken… but not willy nilly crankiness. That’s just a waste of a possible resource.

I guess I came to this conclusion due to the truth in the quote at the end of this page by Terry Pratchett: We’re all human, we’re all good and bad, all fantastic and horrible, all capable of great deeds and great wrongs.

The other day, someone at work, when I was faced with Francisco peeking at me the whole freakin' time, told me that I’m “stronger than this.”

And I thought about that and went, hey, yeah, she’s right. Because with every shitty situation throughout my life I tried to make the best of it. I tried to take care of myself, of others, and avoid hurting anyone else.

So I’m not gonna let Grendel win. These problems, stresses… they are not going to undue all my hard work to be a nice, good, ethically minded person.
Grendel is not gonna take over… Grendel works for ME.
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby Delaney » Wed Dec 10, 2014 6:28 am

::RANT::

Remember how in my last post I mentioned that my horoscope said to expect surprises?

And you can't really EXPECT surprises.

And I was hoping that "surprise" could mean something good.

Like birthday cake.

So I've been just kind of going along, taking one thing at a time, maybe things will look up, it's my birthday soon YAY!, exercise, don a horrible outfit for the job... and hey, at least I still had my favorites at work to look forward to. I mean, I don't get to really help people anymore, I do paperwork, which doesn't exactly give me the life-enriching, purposeful warm fuzzies. I pretty much shuffle papers and watch everybody ELSE do that while I struggle to remember phone extentions.

So you know, who you work with... or around even, becomes kind of important. To me anyways. I come in and look for where my top ten are... Okay, that one's THERE, and that one walks around alot so that's okay I'll probably see that one at some point, oh good! That one's with me!
And so on and so forth.

There's been alot of unhappy thngs going on here. It's gotten to the point where everytime I open up a work email I feel like I'm being accosted with d*ck move after d*ck move after d*ck move... and in the past few months, seems like people are going in droves. Good people. People in my top ten.

And then, just when I was getting comfortable... it happened again today.

My gf was the messenger... she says in this oh-so-casual, nonchalant way... "Oh did you hear? So-and-so's leaving in a few weeks."

That's not birthday cake.

And my head started screaming: WHAT!? WHO!? FOR WHAT!? NO! HOW ARE YOU SO COMPLACENT ABOUT THIS WHY ARE YOU NOT ALSO ON THE BRINK OF A TANTRUM!!!!????

So I responded: "Really? But WHY?

And she's all blah blah Academy blah blah blah... because REASONS.

"But... ANOTHER top ten-er?"

"Top ten? You have a top ten?"

Oops.

"Do you even talk to him?"

Nope. This person is weirdly in the same Mr. Nobody category... Mr. Nobody of yesteryear. And much like that guy, I have NO IDEA why I cannot talk to him. Actually, I tried a couple times, but then I always end up stuttering or saying something stupid and ultimately running away. I seriously have no idea why... maybe because he looks like a G.I. Joe? I can't pin it down but it always seemed safer to to just enjoy the quiet presence from afar. For example, there's this Hellbox; and the Hellbox is home to a bunch of really crappy walki-talki things that all staff are required to take from said Hellbox upon each shift. And this thing is EVIL. There's a bunch of buttons to press and numbers and beeping things and password rejections and well...

So there I am at Hellbox, and G.I. Joe guy is suddenly behind me, waiting patiently, and it starts. Just like that. Then my hands are shaking and the little password-y thing won't work and HE'S RIGHT BEHIND ME watching me sweat and can EVERYBODY feel the heat all of a sudden or is it just me..?

So I just gave up and ran away. I'm still hoping it looked like a purposeful walk.

I don't get it. Totally irrational bodily reaction.

Meanwhile my gf is still looking at me like I grew two extra boobs.

"I'm sick of losing people."

She said she understood. She's good like that.

So now my day plans have changed. Probably all I'll get accomplished is the nap. Along with copious amounts of wine.

(Oh shush. I already warned you Caption Rational isn't steering the plane for this one.)

::END RANT::
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby Delaney » Wed Dec 31, 2014 5:27 am

OMG. So much drama.

Sapphic drama.

My ex girlfriend is breaking up with me in the morning. Well, later in the morning.

Confused? Well, you kinda had to be there.

We've been having problems. For a few months actually, steadily getting worse as time went on.

It always starts the same way.

There's the first sighting - the 'oh, that one's cute... availability...?'

Then there's the inevitable charm I always fall for and latch on to.

A swooning period.

And then the inevitable: We don't like each other very much, do we?

Several issues have shown up several times, and while there are some important details and... behaviors.... at play, I boiled it down to the conclusion that we were not meant to be, no matter how much I wanted it differently.

So we had breakfast. We talked. I laid it out there, because I was going to combust if I didn't.

I had decided on the more neutral, diplomatic, let's take some space... see what happens....

And that's what we discussed. At length. And in vivd detail.

And yet.

I don't think she really understood what that meant. So basically I've been pushing away and she's still pushing forward. Until my bestie just told me, all smiles, "She's going to break up with you today. Probably at breakfast."

Interesting.

Well, its definitely for the best. Other issues notwithstanding, I do have to take my lumps on this one... it would be unfair to pretend that I was the best girlfriend in the world. I really wasn't. I didn't actually do anything wrong, never cheated, never picked fights or anything... but I did ignore her. The upbeat, enthusiastic intense personality that captivated me at first became too exhausting for my somewhat withdrawn personality. I'd try to be there for her but would quickly become overstimulated. So I backed off alot. She once told someone it only seems like I want her around when she can do something for me. That's actually only half true - I started to only hang out with her only when we had something to DO or somewhere to GO, because the one-on-one was too much. Too loud, too bright, too much energy that I couldn't regenerate for anyone. I couldn't just be. I couldn't just... exist.

When I'm at home with Nikki and John. I can just exist. I could not come out of my room for DAYS and no one would bother me, except possibly the occasional text to make sure I'm still alive. Funnily enough I've spent more of my time with them than I think I ever had in the history of "Del's Housing Habits.' There's just something very comfortable... natural... about the house and everyone existing in it. I kind of never want to leave.

But when I'm with my soon-to-be-ex-ex I don't exist anymore. Her larger than life personality envelopes mine and I become something that only exists for someone else. I couldn't take it anymore.

It s really only fair she gets to hammer the final nail in the coffin. I feel like if she could only find somebody even a little bit more like her... you know, someone who wouldn't win a world record for "alone time" and brooding moodiness, she'd be so much happier. I'm not even sure she knows that. Maybe she's figuring it out now.

And I think the timing is right. Certain things have been unfolding whilst all this was going on.

The New Year is almost here, and the Universe has been communicating.

1. I enrolled in school for a 3-month program ( a length of time that complements my erractic focus greatly), and at its conclusion, I hope to be able to expand my career horizons. I realized that I lack the education I need to do what I love and to progress in any way, so I bit the bullet and now I have January classes to look forward to. All I have to do is kick my ass a little for 3 months and take a test.

THEN... I can contribute much more than I currently am at liberty to.

2. Around Christmas time John and I were having a midnight adventure together, driving around town. John is currently unemployed so what he wanted for Christmas was money, so I gave him some. In return, I mentioned I would like to learn how to play bass guitar. I had always had a little interest in it, but never at the forefront of mind. It just popped into my head at that moment. So I said, "You know what? Give me some bass lessons and that can be my present.

It was a kind of flippant request.

The next day I went to see John in the basement and his eyes lit up and he said, "Del... you will not believe what happened!" And he points to a bass guitar and amp.

"I went to a buddies' house, and he just said he didn't want it! So he GAVE it to me... for FREE. How weird is that?? You JUST said yesterday..."

Gee, thanks for the subtle encouragement Universe. Yes I WILL accept your free guitar and lessons.

John looked at me and I swear his eyes were just... ALIVE.

"It's happening Del. Its really HAPPENING."

The winds are changing.

3. My writing is getting a little more non-blog play due to my girl Nikki and I tag writing. Its fun and a stress relief. And I cherish my time with her, so I can honestly say I see the bright spots in life when she's involved in any part of my life.

4. I have come to a conclusion. The drama with my ex-ex and the internal drama regarding Mr GI Joe have caused me to be especially introspective.
Because at some point you have to look at 3 failed engagements (was it four?), the individuals one allows in their life, and perhaps more importantly, why some individuals are seemingly ignored. How many times has this happened to me? How many times have I watched people come and go and I'm DYING to say... things that remain unsaid. And then they go and and whatever I felt dies with a memory. Meanwhile I distract myself with people that I am wholly unsuitable for.

I don't want to do it anymore.

I'm sick of this. I don't understand the reasons behind this weird complex I have but I'm going to find out, and its going to stop. Becase I think I give attention sometimes to people who I know don't care about it... and I think I miss opportunities for getting to know really great people because... because...

Well, that's what I'm going to find out. Because this sh*t is becoming too devastating. And thorougly unnessesary, but its like my words are in jail and I have to break them out every time.

I pretty much have one last opportunity to... I don't know... say something worthwhile. Then everything dies again.

Compared to a few years ago I've come a long way. But if I have learned anything from my current wistful predictament, its that I need to get better still.

I'm sick of losing people.
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby Delaney » Wed Jan 28, 2015 7:01 am

Today will be the first day of my new classes. Thank gods... I am in need of a distraction. A change of scenery should help with that.

I have to psych myself up for this. Because I'm not really sure what the class entails, I don't know where to go for the classroom, I'm afraid I'm gonna be stuck in a room for 4 hours with a bunch of 18 yr old whippersnappers, and my last experience with going back to school was less than savory.

But what the hell.

Since my gf and I broke up I've felt disoriented. Too many changes all at once, both career, relationships, and otherwise.

Oh yeah, and you know how I once said that thing about the willpower?

You know.

How I have none?

Sleeping with Scarecrow again. Almost immediately after breaking up with my girl.

But before you judge... in my defense, I had gone 4 months without a man... AND I had been piggybacking someone else's emotional drama for 4 months... AND I have been quite inconsolable about all the people I'm missing at the job... AND...

He was there.

All broad- shouldered. Surely I can't be held entirely responsible.

And since the breakup I've been a little obsessive, trying to figure out why its so difficult to find compatible people in my love life.

And the one person I would actually consider getting serious with would be Marky, but he is unavailable for other reasons. Mainly because we've been down that road before and nothing ever changes.

On the other hand, I'm back at the dating drawing-board again and THAT never changes. Then I always end up thinking about Mark.

Or Nikki. Yes, lots about Nikki. But she's all engaged or whatever...

Ugh. Straight people... they'll f*ck you up every time.

Really I'm too tired to be thinking about any of this. In dire need of non-lovey distractions. So I will go home, crash for a few hours, and brave the great unknown... distractions galore...
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby Delaney » Tue Feb 17, 2015 3:32 am

TWO THINGS:

1. I hate autocorrect. I used to know how to spell. Now I start to type the first 3 letters of a word and forget everything.

2. I can't deal.

I have so many thoughts and noises in my head I'm just gonna try to keep it simple here.

My top ten has dwindled at work. #1 left so there's hardly any point in showing up anymore.

There is so much drama in this department right now I can hardly stand it. New people attitudes, old attitudes, just plain BAD attitudes....

My moral center, so carefully diliberated upon, is crumbling. I just don't have it in me. I can't smile, I can't be nice... I'm short with everyone, even people I love. I take it home too. It doesn't just stay at work. The other day, I snapped at Mark for no reason whatsoever. I also snapped at one of my favorite co-workers. I've been steadily -what can only be described as - lashing out. Just... at life. Everything. Whatever. I flirt, I kid, I get numbers from people I have NO intention of ever speaking to again... I talk to people I don't want to talk to and ignore people I do. I have "exhibited self-destructive behaviors" to quote musings from the past and although that doesn't seem new, it certainly has been worse. Like a compulsion. I can see it happeneing and I CAN'T STOP IT.

In class we spoke about burnout. I've diagnosed myself with it. Don't suppose I could get a voucher for it though.

I can't really talk about it to Nikki. With all the things we have in common, our relation to human beings is not one of them. She says if you don't make any friends at work then you can't be bothered about anything that happens to them.

She's right.

But I can love people I don't even speak to, soooo... I don't think I come equipped with this ability to separate.

And Nikki has other things. Her fiance, her mom loves her and supports her in many ways... maybe if I were her, I'd feel the same way.

But in my adult life, almost every holiday, weekend, night... has been spent at work... thrown in with random co-workers, luck-of-the-draw. Co-workers become your family in some places. Work becomes a second home. Then it gets all ripped apart.

Nikki has a patience for paperwork or "tasks" that I cannot relate to. But then, my background is working with people. Not papers, PEOPLE.

Somehow verifying insurance demographics just doesn't light the fire under my ass like it does for others.

And I find it very difficult to ignore the absences and the tension. I can put myself in a box... but I shouldn't need to here.

I should go on Prozac. Tell my doc, "I want to be clear in the head and dead in the nethers."

If I take a high dose I stop caring about anything at all. You could tell me my mother died and I'd be like, "Yeah. Also it's trash day."

I don't really like myself that way, I get so complascent. I had to get off of it one time because I noticed I wasn't listening to my client's needs anymore. I couldn't empathise.

Paperwork doesn't need empathy though.
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby Delaney » Wed Mar 18, 2015 11:15 am

Well, its been quite the busy couple months.

So I quit my job, which was a little sad considering I really liked alot of people there. I tried to stick it out for awhile but then I had to say to myself, Del let's be real. You don't have a ton of expenses, you hate the nature of your job here, and ever since they took your 1# away you've basically lost all motivation to go in. Add that to the extra demands on everybody in my role and it JUST isn't worth it.

I'm still not done being angry about 1# going away. I was absolutely SEETHING for the last few weeks. I just could not believe that I could be living in a world where THAT guy doesn't get to keep his job when there are at least a handful of names I could've rattled off the top of my head who didn't deserve theirs.

So the top 2 bit the dust and I finally sat down, threw together an updated resume and literally took the first job offered to me

HUGE pay cut. HUGE.

BUT... its the kind of job I love - a group home /foster home kind of place for kids with behavioral issues - so I should, you know... blend.

Also I won't have to fake so much. I mean, you don't manage a series of life experiences like mine without becoming adept at turning on the charm for strangers, but during my last few days I realized I may have gotten TOO good at it. Some of the men around there started to make what I can only interpret as last ditch efforts to get laid. The most RANDOMEST of people too. My last day, after being swept into a storage closet, I realized, I just CANNOT get out of this place without somebody sticking their tongue down my throat. Geeeezz....
I didn't even suspect it would happen either. I had only had maybe two conversations with guy. He was some religious type too, spent some time explaining that I was "living in sin" when I was dating my ex- gf.

Then I say bye now, leaving... BOOM. Tongue down throat.

Ye-ah I got my hands too dirty here. Definitely time to go.

2. I'm feeling the hate.

Lately, according to my once -held- dear- in- my- heart John, I can do absolutely nothing right. Lately, anything I do, whether be using the toilet, ordering food, having someone over... all worthy of criticism and brand new (what I call) "John Rules" that pop out of nowhere and only apply to me.Everybody else gets a nice, comfortable pass to feel safe and unaccosted in their home. You know, the one I pay to share. And I barely even share. I mostly hole up in my room. I try to be as unobtrusive as possible. Hell, I don't even like putting my food in their fridge. So I've been trying to just not exist for these people but nothing seems to be working. I mean, how can I be less in your way than NOT THERE?

Apparently I manage it. Just by being alive.

And the worst part is that I have no idea why the shift happened. I swear it came out of nowhere. Once upon a time, John and I were quite friendly, we'd hang out, he was very considerate and sweet, then.... I have no idea what happened.

I was going to confront him about it, because he was pissing me off so much I thought it was time to sort things out. But every scenario I ran in my head ended with us fighting, so it might be just time to call a spade a spade.

Besides I'm too stressed out to deal right now. Too many feelings flying around all willy nilly with no home and no place to spend the night quietly.

I've decided since changing jobs to get rid of some of the assholes in my life. Scarecrow for one. I wasn't going to, he had been so nice lately, but then we made tentative plans and he blew me off without a word - a common occurrence - and I remembered something:

Oh yeah. I don't LIKE him. I often find him offensive, insensitive and and arrogant. Sooooo let's just forget it.

Other assholes were easier. I could just stop talking to them.

So this weekend I start my new job officially. Apparently some people have had heart attacks while on the job, and staff getting things thrown at them is a regular occurrence.

Sounds like an adventure :D

As for my home life, its probably time for a new Plan A. I already have a plan B, but I didn't expect to need a Plan A so soon.

I never should've unpacked. Hell, I DECORATED.

I know better.

Just when you think everything's going to be okay is exactly when it all falls apart.

Stupidstupidstupid...

I mean seriously, top 2 Del's rules of living : Never fully unpack and always be ready to flee.

I want to try and stick it out until my classes end. If I moved out nowish I'd be ok, I'd have somewhere to go, but the drive would be relentlessly awful to get to school and my new job. Like 3 hours.

It's sad too. I really really liked my pink walls.... I really like John, for christs sake , but there's nothing I can do about that, and it never pays to overthink it.

Employ Occam's Razor - the simplest explanation is usually the correct one.

I feel the hate (its like love, but not at all) = I am getting hated on.

Solution? Prepare to flee. Get things packed, network, turn on the charm annnnd... slip out quietly and leave last rent on the table.

Like a ninja.

In the meantime?

PLAY DEAD.
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>
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Postby CZ75 » Tue Mar 24, 2015 7:27 am

You NEED to turn your story into a book.
"We're gonna rob them blind, Stacy. We're taking everything, right down the the light fixtures and the dust under the chairs. We're gonna do them like the Grinch did Hooville."
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Postby Delaney » Wed Mar 25, 2015 2:20 pm

I should actually work on that this summer. It has occurred to me that this blog could be a useful template.

Although honestly, I rarely re-read what I write in this thing. Its like watching the car crash over, and over, and over... I have to turn away.

On THAT note, who wants to hear the story of failure?

No really, it'll make you feel better about yourself. Or you could just make a mental note and when you're having a really shitty day, read Del's tale of personal embarrassment and subsequent horror.

So, one side effect of being in the middle of all this transition, is my sense of control in like, ANYTHING has completely fallen apart. Especially socially. At my old job you never would've known it ifyou saw me do what I do. I would go into different rooms, with all different kinds of people in all different moods and degrees of pain-in-the-ass-ery, but I had my script, I knew it, and I could usually fudge something if I got thrown a curve ball.

My new job started.... and then stopped. They are dragging their heels getting my CORI done and getting approval to have me finger-printed, so I have no real outlet, and my social practice has gone in the shitter.

Also, John hates me. So I want to kill myself a little.

So I've been stuck in a now uncomfortable home with my only reprieve being school.

And I like school this time. I like the information. I even like studying. Except for one part.

A very major part of my course is practical skills, which means heavy memorization is required and then, the tests are students reciting these lists and subsequently acting them out - in front of people. Lots of people. Under bright florescent lights. With papers in their hands following along and noting every f*ck-up you do as you are doing it.

Just a WEE bit out of my comfort zone.

I had successfully ninja-ed out of it until Monday, where my instructor TOTALLY realized my artful dodging and impressed upon the whole class (ME) that EVERYBODY had to test today, and we were all going to take a number.

I calmly took my number and shuffled to my group, all the while going back and forth in my head about which exit would be best should I just decide to bolt. I had practiced at home with Nikki and I did well, so I knew I was prepared and stayed because of that.

And I was up. Trauma Assessment. And guess who got no 1?

And miraculously, I did it. I got flustered a few times and the TA said I had forgotten to verbalize some things but he also said I was "On a roll!"

I would've felt more triumphant but I was still reeling from the low-grade panic attack all day. Finally felt like I could breathe. Okay, the worst is over, Del. You can be happy and relax now.

So I did. I watched everyone else go half paying attention, and then suddenly my TA says, "Okay, Del. We can knock one more of them out. Get up there."

:shock:

What.

The ever-loving.

F*ck.

Now I want you do keep in mind here, this is the SAME ASSESSMENT. With the SAME PEOPLE and the SAME TA. He even gave me an easier patient. 81 year old Agnes fell down. She conscious.

Which means I have to talk to her.

And that's a whole different skill set for me.

And I try to go through it, thinking samethingsamethingsamething... but I have to TALK to this imaginary person. And its throwing me off so bad I'm secretly wishing I could IMAGINARY knock her out so I can do my damn assessment.

But that might indicate a breach of healthcare ethics.

I kept trying -painfully- to push through but imaginary Agnes (STILL MY TA) kept TALKING to me and finally....

Blank. I completely froze. I had to stop, and in front of everybody who had just seen me perform the first time reasonably, I failed the same damn assessment I had just done.

Oh, and to make matters even better, John was just starting to behave like himself again, when he kind of triggered me and made me so angry I ran downstairs to verbally wail at him, in complete assurance that it was going to be in a huge screaming fight of rage... and all he said was, "I'm sorry. I won't do it again."

Aw, sh*t.

Then he turned away and refused to look at me, and a thought occurred.

Oh dear gods... did I hurt his feelings?? I didn't think THAT could happen! Not in ANY of my scenarios did his feelings get hurt as a result. NONE. And there were like, ten possibilities in my head. I was fixated on his hate. Hate doesn't feel bad, it feels arrogant and controlling and...

Ugh. So now we DEFINITELY don't talk, and the place is even worse.

I'm batting a million over here.

I feel like my brain has all these keys to social situations - like one of those giant janitor key rings, just completely loaded up. And my challenge is always to find the right one, and not forget where it went. And now these are all unfamiliar keys and I don't have the recall I once felt I did.
<i>It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. - Terry Pratchett</i>

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